Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Monday, November 30, 2009

Knowledge You *Must* Have!!

Death By Dildo!

Random Gossip

Weirdness Follows A Holiday Like Night Follows Day

Overheard in the breakroom:

"We went to Roscoe's for chicken and waffles! It was SOOOO good!"

"You can get chicken and waffles here."

"Not like in L.A.! Their waffles are better."

"A waffle's a waffle!"

"No! California has better-tasting waffles!"


"I dunno... I think they use gay wheat."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Space Filler

Posting Just To Be Posting.

The best part about eating Thanksgiving dinner out at a restaurant with the parents is of course, spending the holiday with your parents.

A close runner-up is letting someone else do the cooking and washing up!

From a personal perspective, the lack of available leftovers is a very good thing! For a place I usually consider a breakfast outlet, Cracker Barrel put on a pretty damn good feed. One plate of turkey & dressing, some sweet 'taters, cranberry dressing and a heap of mustard greens with pepper sauce. One piece of pumpkin pie, and that's all she wrote. I did splurge on a big ol' biscuit with butter and strawberry jam. Man, it was good. First bread-like product I've had in weeks!

Hope y'all are doing well. I'm going back to bed.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Even I Have my Limits...

Wanted: Sandblaster & Hot-Bluing Tank!

I recently visited Collector's Firearms to check out a revolver that they'd added to their stock. It was a S&W Model 1917 in .45 ACP, at a very reasonable price. The Smith & Wesson Model 1917 revolver has long been on my acquisition list, but for various reasons, mostly financial, I've never been in a position to acquire one.

Back in the day, you could pick up Brazilian-contract M1917s for a song. Of course, back in the day, I was poor as a churchmouse, and even a song was beyond my budget...

I'd run across one at a gun show every so often, mostly with a $650-750 price tag, and pristine examples were easily on the high side of $1200.

Collector's had one, and for only $430. Of course, the reason it was only $430 was that somewhere in the recent past, it had been chrome-plated.

I'm not a fan of bright & shiny firearms, but I really wanted to own this model, even if it was just a shooter-grade version. So, off I went to check it out.

The pictures below don't really do justice to the Bubba-fied abomination this revolver has become... Holding it in your hand, it looks like the unholy offspring of a revolver and the bumper off a '51 Mercury. The sights are almost unusable in the bright sunlight due to the reflection & glare!

Looks like I'll have to wait a bit longer to acquire a Smith 1917. No way I was bringing this shiny monstrosity home!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

How Pumpkin Pies Are Made

I Really Didn't Need To See This...

It wouldn't surprise me to learn that either Og, Graumagus or Elisson dreamed this up...

WAIT!!! Don't forget the whipped cream!

Monday, November 23, 2009

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Use A Bigger Hammer!

OK, take two on the angel wings project...

Since actual pictures of angel wings are a bit scarce, I hunted around to find a reasonable alternative, and settled on some swan wings.

They look OK, but there was a problem with the source image that actually worked out in my favor. Are there any ornithologists out there who can spot the error?

Anyway, here's the second version, followed by the first. As usual, click the pics to embiggify, and please let me know which one looks more "angelic" and/or which version blows your skirt up the highest.


Nekkid versions might be sent to those who ask politely...
Nekkid versions *will* be sent to those who mail $$$!

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Creative Process

Phurther Phriday PhotoShop Phoolishness

Sometimes, you just want to pound your head against a wall...

There's this terrible disconnect between the image you see in your skull, and the results you're able to turn out with your current skill level, no matter what the medium is.

As it stands, I'm a pretty miserable hack when it comes to image manipulation. It's frustrating beyond belief when you have a clear image of what you want to accomplish, but you just don't have the technical chops to make it happen.

I suspect this is why so many artists, writers and other creative types are hopeless argumentative drunks and addicts...

I'm slowly improving, but it's kind of like losing weight. The results never happen as quickly or as painlessly as you'd like them to.

When I'm looking for my next PhotoShop project, I like to start out with as large a picture as possible. The more detail you begin with, the less fudging and cloning you need to do later on in the process.

So, I'm cruising through some wallpaper forums on the web, and come across this nice pic of a nekkid gal posing by a mountain lake. Hell, could be a fjord, for all I know...

It's a spectacular picture, 2.3 MB, and 3000 x 2000 pixels. By contrast, the pics below are about 400 x 400 pixels. And, of course, she's nekkid, which is always a plus!

Since a lot of you read at work, here's a sanitized version:

I'm thinking to myself, "What could make this picture better?", and slowly an idea forms. This gal needs some angel wings! I'll turn her into some Nordic angel/valkyrie hybrid up in a fjord!

Of course, you first need some wings...

It's not easy, finding a picture of angel wings in a large enough resolution to fit your background, but I eventually came across this pic:

Next, remove anything that doesn't look like an angel wing.

Then, flip the image, copy/paste and thereby double your wings.

Now, there's a long drawn-out process of resizing, sampling, cloning, blurring, and judicious use of the fuzzy select and magic lasso.

Eventually, you wind up with this:

Somewhere towards the end, I realized that I couldn't really put a nekkid angel on my blog, 'cause I don't have that "Look Under The Fold" widget installed. So, time to put some clothes on the angel! Finally, I end up with this:

You wanna know what's *really* annoying? The damn bikini came out a lot better than the angel wings, which was the main idea of the project... As Dax Montana says: "JUST DAMN!"

Total time spent? Maybe 4 hours, not counting the web searching.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Random Thoughts

Presented In Lieu Of Actual Content!

'Tis the season for cold winds and chapped lips. If you don't have a horse's rectum handy**, I highly recommend Carmex. It's a whole lot better than Chapstick.

I saw on the marquee on a local theater that 'A Chorus Line' is hitting the stage soon. It's got to be pretty surreal trying to audition for that particular production. I mean, you're trying out for a musical that's about trying out for a musical. Do you suppose the director makes the auditioners stand alone onstage and grill them about why Daddy ignored them or that time Uncle Roger felt them up? Do they make the plain women sing "Dance Ten, Looks Three"? Would it help your chances if you said you were gay, or never saw 'The Red Shoes'? You just gotta wonder how much life imitates art while it's imitating life...

Saw 'Pirate Radio' at the flicks the other night. I liked the movie well enough, but I'm still a bit stunned over the cost of a ticket, plus the cost of concessions these days. For what I paid for popcorn and a Diet Coke, I could have had a full meal at one of the local Movie Grill theaters...

This morning, there was something scrabbling around up in the drop ceiling in the breakroom. I was tempted to climb up on a chair and peek up there, but it would probably turn out to be one or more Deputy Directors from the previous administration looking for crumbs to eat. That would be a lot creepier than some mangy old rat...

It's Day 62 of Project LOLA, and things are going well. I forgot to put my pants in the dryer last night, so I had to locate my Emergency Pants. These are a pair of khakis from a few years back that were uncomfortably tight, but I could wear 'em if I had to, provided I didn't move real quick or sit down too hard.

So, I start to squeeze on the pants, but there was no squeezing necessary! In fact, there's an inch or so of wiggle room in the waistband! I plan on celebrating with a Slurpee this weekend when I drive out to San Marcos. They might actually have a sugar-free version, but since I only get to a 7-11 once or twice a year for a Slurpee fix, I'm not gonna freak out if they don't. What really troubles me is the close proximity of a Wienerschnitzel restaurant to my sister's place. Ever had their Pastrami Dog on a pretzel bun? That's some good grub, mister!

I already looked it up on the 'web, they're 650 calories apiece. I think I can budget one of those and a Slurpee...

** A cowboy rode into town all dusty and dehydrated, desperately wanting a cold beer. He got off his horse at the saloon, walked around behind the horse, lifted its tail and kissed it right on the bunghole. An old man outside the saloon asked him, "Why did you kiss your horse on the ass?" The cowboy said, "Chapped lips." The old man asked "Does that help?" The cowboy replied,"No, but it keeps me from licking my lips!"

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Desperados Waiting For A Train

More Phoul Photoshoppery

There's actually a song to go along with this one...

(Click To Embiggen)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Movie Night

At $9 For A Ticket, I Ought To Get A Handjob, Too...

Goin' out to the show after work... Haven't quite decided what to see yet.

The hard part is holding myself to a small bag of popcorn. I'm used to getting the 55 gallon mega-tub, or whatever the largest size is.

No butter, though. Not that it's really butter. I went to the flicks with Rockhauler one time, and the girl behind the concessions counter asked if he'd like butter on his popcorn.

Rockhauler replied "I"d love some butter on my popcorn!"

As soon as she put the bucket under the spout, Rockhauler started pitching a fit. "NONONONONOO!!!! Don't put that nasty stuff on my popcorn!!!"

Girl looks around, completely confused... "But.. but... you said you wanted butter!"

"Yes," replied Rockhauler, "But that's not butter! It's hydrogenated palm oil with fake butter flavoring!"

She was not amused, but I was. And, really, that's all that matters...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Secret Of The Beans

It Takes A Brave Man To Cook A Chinchilla...

Eric the SWG cooked up some absolutely bodacious beans at his place a few weeks back, and everyone was raving about how good they were.

Eric was a bit reticent about saying exactly what ingredients he added to make 'em so good, but fortunately, someone snapped a covert picture just as the essential ingredients were being added...

(click pic for maximum beanosity)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Acute Douchebaggery Alert!

This Guy Is *SO* Out Of His League...

OK, this was bad.

He obviously didn't learn his lesson...

Listen, you clueless hack! YOU DO NOT BOW DOWN TO ANYONE!

You're the elected head of the strongest nation on God's green earth, and leader of the free world. People show deference to your office, not vice versa!

Friday, November 13, 2009

The TimTam Slam

Temptation From Down Under

Way back when, I was a regular viewer of BBC America on cable TV. Lots of BritComs to watch, and I got pretty addicted to Ground Force, AbFab and Monarch Of The Glen. Mostly due to certain cast members...

There was a chat show called 'So Graham Norton', the titular host of which is gay as a tree full of parrots. It was a really funny & risque show, the sort of thing you'd never see in the USA.

Norton's interviewing Natalie Imbruglia one day, and she shows him something called a "TimTam Slam", which she promises is "orgasmic".

Basically, what you do is bite the corners off of a TimTam, (a chocolate-coated sandwich creme cookie) then use it as a straw to slurp up hot tea or coffee. When you feel the tea hit your tongue, you quickly pop the now-soaked cookie in your mouth before it collapses.

Watch the clip here:

It looked really tasty, but where in the world would you find an Australian cookie in Texas? So, I forgot about the TimTam Slam, and life continued.

OK, fast forward many years later, and I'm walking through a Walgreen's drug store. There before me on a display sits a big stack of TimTam cookies, offered as a holiday treat by Pepperidge Farm.

What to do, what to do... Damn this diet!

Yeah, I bought a package of TimTams. Just couldn't resist the urge. They're currently tucked way in the back of a file drawer at the office. I think I'll save them for a holiday soirée, and share them out with friends. That way I won't eat the entire f#&$^%ng package myself...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

East TN Man Found Asleep With Rifle, Moonshine

Why Does This Not Surprise Me?

East TN man found asleep in ditch with rifle, moonshine

ATHENS, Tenn. — When Ricky Butler went to sleep on a rural, East Tennessee roadside, he didn't have to worry about comfort but apparently he was feeling insecure.

McMinn County deputies found the 31-year-old Decatur man sleeping on his back in a roadside ditch, with a loaded rifle on his chest and an almost empty jar of moonshine in the bib of his overalls.

Butler told deputies who woke him up Sunday that he didn't know where he was. He also told them the jar had been full.

Deputies said Butler also had a machete and hand-rolled cigarettes believed to be marijuana.

Well, they DO know how to throw a party in McMinn County, I'll have to admit...

Hey, Eric! The guy said he had a FULL jar of 'shine! Know anything about that??

Also, unfiltered Camels look a lot like joints if they get squooshed in a pocket...

World's Worst Job?

One Day I'll Get My Comeuppance...

Elisson was enjoying his retirement, but he didn't think that the part-time job as a mohel on a kosher ranch was going to work out...

(Click Pic To Embiggify!)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

It's Zombielicious!!

He'll Lose His Fear Of Zombies Or Die Trying!

As promised, here's my latest effort at Photoshoppery:

"A Lazy Sunday Stroll Through The Mall"

(click pic to enlarge the zombie horde!)

If you'd like the full-size version (1346 x 928 pixels, 341KB), suitable for framing, desktop wallpaper, or wrapping fish, drop me an email! Addy's on the sidebar.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Coming Attractions

Hey, It's Either This, Or Another Awful Pun...

A good salesman always tries to build up excitement before a new product hits the market...

Now, I'm not selling anything here, but the principle is the same!

I've got a few final touches to go, but here's a preview of the next Photoshop:

I see you shiver with antici...........pation!

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Typographical Humor

I'm Almost Ashamed I Posted This Awful Pun...

I shot the Serif.

But I did not shoot the W T

Friday, November 06, 2009

Math Whiz Needed!

Higher Math Was Never My Strong Suit.
Mostly Because While They Were Teaching It, I Was Out Behind The Gym Getting Higher...

OK, anyone out there good at functions and/or Excel macros?

Here's the dealio...

Let's say, for argument's sake, that you weigh 1000 lbs. I know, you'd be as big as an elephant seal. Hell, you'd BE an elephant seal, but it's a big round number, and easy to multiply/divide.

Your goal is to reach 175 pounds, necessitating the loss of 825 lbs.

At 1000 lbs., your basal metabolic rate requires a daily intake of around 9400 calories to maintain that weight.

OK, you want to reduce weight, so you won't eat 9400 calories a day. We'll assume that you won't be burning any calories due to exercise at this point.

A pound of fat has an energy value of 3500 calories, more or less. Instead of eating 9400 calories a day, you only eat 5900 calories, giving you that 3500 calorie deficit.

In theory, you'd lose a pound a day on that diet. Assuming you didn't do any extra exercise, you'd expect a pound lost every day due to diet alone, and you'd reach your goal weight in 825 days.


Your basal metabolic rate is going to change on a daily basis! With each pound lost, your body will not need as many calories to maintain the current weight, so you cannot use the initial formula for the whole process.

What you need is a sliding scale that adjusts your BMR and your current weight, and matches that against your daily caloric intake so you'll know (roughly) how far away the endpoint is.

I have no freakin' clue how to do that sort of calculation...

I know I'm jumping the gun a bit and perhaps being overly optimistic about Project LOLA. For me, there probably will be no "End date", but a lifetime of reduced calorie intake, with more food allowed as I'm able to do more physical activity.

Still, I'd rather be looking ahead than looking behind me, so if you have any sort of clue how to make these calculations, drop me a line!

Muchas Gracias!

Thursday, November 05, 2009

A Word To The Wise...

His Piss Burns Blue & Beads Clear!

Don't F#&% with Yabu!

Yabu *LAUGHS* at Death!!!

(Click To Embiggen!)

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Bare Bears??

Almost As Icky As Those Bald Cats...

Scheiße! Unsere Bären haben kein Haar!

Poor bears! The Spectacled Bears at the Leipzig Zoo have had most of their fur fall out!

A bear just ain't all there when it got no hair!
They're smooth as a pear!
Looks like someone used Nair!
Are they debonair?
Au contraire, mon frere!

OK, I'll stop misquoting George Carlin now...

Range Report

It's Always A Good Day To Go To The Gun Range!

I almost forgot to mention that I went out to the rifle range on Sunday. After a nice lunch, the Cisco Kid and I trekked out Hwy 290 to the Hot Wells range, where we joined every resident of 5 surrounding counties trying to get their deer rifle sighted in.

I knew deer season was upon us, but I'd hoped that most of the hunters would have done their sighting-in a couple of weeks earlier. Boy, was I wrong... I've never seen Hot Wells that crowded. We waited in line to pay the tab, then waited again to get assigned a shooting bench. Hot Wells doesn't have a lot in the way of amenities, so you pretty much have to stand around in the mud schlepping all your gear until they call your number.

I drew one of the few shooting benches that wasn't under the awning. It wasn't a terribly hot day, but out in the full glare of the sun, it got a mite uncomfortable. I wasn't out there long enough to burn, however.

I was woefully unprepared for the trip. Oh, I had rifles and ammo, safety glasses and earplugs, but I forgot the spotting scope, left the ballistic table for the 7.5 Swiss at home, and instead of carrying a reasonable amount of ammo, I brought the whole bloody ammo case of rifle fodder, which weighed 35 pounds or so.

I ended up shooting 20 rounds through the Swiss K31. It grouped as well as always, but something had shifted, and the rounds were impacting high & right of the bullseye. I didn't bring my screwdriver, and didn't even have a dime in my pocket to dial in the scope. Oh, well. Guess I'll have to go back to the range later. Damn the bad luck...

The Hog Rifle was acting really wonky. It's a Czech VZ24, shooting 8mm Mauser. OK, let me rephrase that... My handling of the rifle was wonky. Half a dozen times I got a *click* when I expected a *BANG*, and only three of those were due to the 60 year old surplus ammo. The other three were due to me short-stroking the bolt, and a round never stripped out of the magazine and fed into the chamber. That sort of thing will get you killed going after Buick-sized critters with sharp pointy teeth, talons & tusks. It's not such a calamity here in Texas, but still a bad habit...

I had numerous failures to eject, too. It always pulled the round out of the chamber, but unless you really worked the bolt fast & hard, the round wouldn't get tossed out to the side, and you'd have to reach in the action and fish it out. I was trying not to fling hot brass on the shooter to my right, so I wasn't giving the action the oomph it required to function properly.

I put maybe 30-35 rounds through the 8mm, and was semi-satisfied with the grouping. It's not the whiz-bang target rifle the K31 is, but it's good enough to put one in someone's boiler room from 350 yards with iron sights as long as you don't pooch the shot.

I'll probably have to do a shotgun session next. I didn't get around to blasting away with the coach gun out in Tennessee, and I need to be reminded what a mule-kick that little scattergun has!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

A Gift For Army of Mom!

Agent AoM - Licensed To Rob Cradles!!

Just for you, AoM! Enjoy!

Monday, November 02, 2009

Project Update

I Have No Clue How I'll Make It Through The Holidays...

It's Day 45 of Project LOLA. (Long Overdue Lifestyle Adjustment) I refuse to call it a diet, mostly because diet starts with "DIE", and that's what I feel like doing after throwing out all the leftover Halloween candy that didn't get handed out to the wandering munchkins on Saturday night.

Steve Graham of Tools of Renewal (formerly Hog On Ice) blogged often about making a huge pot of something delicious, then throwing it out after eating one serving. That always seemed a bit wasteful to me, but I'm beginning to understand. There's no use leaving something around that might slip past your temptation shield.

I'd thought about treating myself to JUST ONE of the fun-sized candy bars, but a glance at the nutritional label put the kibosh on that. That JUST ONE Mounds w/ dark chocolate had 75 calories in it. And no one can eat just one... I know, you can always adjust a meal later to allow for it, but if you bend just a little this time, next time you'll just be bending over and letting your bad habits have their way with you.

So, about half a pound of delicious coconut and chocolate candy resides in the bottom of the trash can. Sigh...

It's been a good week, all things considered. I had a slight bobble during the week, and learned that while sushi is delicious and mostly low-cal, once they start putting avocado and cream cheese in the sushi rolls, you might as well be eating a cheeseburger. Also, if they advertise a "Spicy Crab Roll" do a taste test BEFORE applying the wasabi. Usually "spicy" in relation to sushi means "slight tingle on tongue". This batch was apparently made using fire ant venom and napalm. And, of course, I'd slapped a good schmear of wasabi on every single piece. Ah, well. The amount of time spent sweating and wagging my tongue in the air probably burned a few calories...

Yesterday I had a delicious meal of Vietnamese food with the Cisco Kid. It had a name, but I'll just have to call it "#73 on the menu", 'cause I can't remember the Vietnamese words. Chinese broccoli and beef over seared flat rice noodles. Dee-lish. I didn't eat the whole plateful. Not because I didn't want to, but the damned noodles stubbornly resisted the efforts of both chopsticks and a fork. Slippery little bastards... There's a weight-loss idea. Food that actively evades you...