Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Monday, April 30, 2012

Mudbugs On The Menu!!

They're Like Little Baby Lobsters!!

Man, I ate a $h!tload of crustaceans this weekend...

We're deep in crawfish season, and a buddy of mine invited me out to his annual backyard crawfish boil this past Saturday.

I dunno how many people he was expecting, but there was enough food to stuff a battalion of famished wolverines.  He had three gas burners going full blast, and two ginormous boiling pots, gallon jugs of boil mix, and a big shoebox-sized container of dry spice mix that got pitched in the water by the cupful.  The third burner cooked the corn, 'taters and some of the shrimp.

Add to that two BBQ grills cranking out the sausage, and some other stuff being shuttled out from the kitchen, and it was keeping 5 people busy full time.

Three 40 lb sacks of crawfish met their doom.  It was a shame I couldn't hear their agonized shrieking over the roar of the burners!

After the cooking carnage, we ended up with the following:

Two jumbo ice chests completely full of boiled crawfish (120 lbs)
One medium-sized cooler full of boiled corn & taters.
One small cooler full of boiled shrimp
Two pots full of grilled shrimp
10 lbs of boudin
10 lbs of deer sausage
15 lbs of link sausage
10 lbs of hot dogs (for the kids)
10 lbs of dirty rice
Assorted odds & ends & desserts.

Plus, a keg of beer and multiple bottles of bourbon.

Needless to say, I ate like a Cajun king that afternoon.  My tray looked kinda like this:

Of course, you'd have to add a double handful of shrimp, several half-ears of corn, sausage, boudin, etc. to complete the effect.

If you get a chance to go to a boil yourself, don't miss it!!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Worth A Thousand Words?

Friday Firearms Flogging

Saw something interesting the other day, and I'd been wondering how best to blog about it.

The overall theme, I suppose, is the complete futility of trying to ban firearms, especially here in the United States.  We're just too clever a group of "ungovernable" riffraff to let silly things like regulations slow us down.  

Doubt me?  Look how many states have an illegal weed as their #1 cash crop.  Even in the day of (relatively) cheap and widely available high-quality liquor, moonshining is still popular enough that even those of us living in the coastal flats can get some popskull delivered if we really want some.

Back to the firearms, though...   The AR15 is probably the most popular sporting rifle platform available, for calibers other than .22LR.  You can buy 'em off the shelf, or pick out the pieces and assemble your own.

The only part the guvmint regulates is the lower receiver, which looks like this:

Lots of pinholes, nooks & crannies!

Now, making an AR15 lower isn't a walk in the park.  You need one of these:
Next, one of these:

Plus, the skill, real estate, utilities and wherewithal to own & operate them.

You can speed the process along by getting an 80% finished blank. It's not excessively complex, but right at the ragged edge of what an amateur home machinist would be able to do, assuming he could get the forged or cast blanks.

So, if Big Guvmint decides to get all squirrely and clamp down on the available supply of AR lowers,  what are ya gonna do?

Well, you take some of these:

And a bottle of this:

And these:

And one of these:

And if you don't screw up too badly, you end up with this:

Which, when assembled to an upper, looks like this:

An AR15 lower made almost completely out of flat stock.  I imagine I'd use a big chunk of hex bar stock to make the buffer tube holder.  Drill it, tap it, and borrow an arc welder to tack it together.

Example PDF file of plans at this link.

All done inside a garage, and no one the wiser.  Hell, bolt 'em together in a random pattern, call it artwork, and have USPS ship it to wherever you'd rather not go yourself.

Pick yourself up a few lower parts kits.  They're $60-80, and the BATFEIEIO can illegalize them with the stroke of a pen.

See, sometimes it's not really about owning the forbidden item.

Sometimes it's just saying "Go Fuck Yourself" to The Man...

Thursday, April 26, 2012

One Less Bureaucrat

Now Maybe I Can Get Some Work Done...

The Man had me out at a remote facility this morning, so I missed the Grand Hoo-Rah that took place in the office.

Seems that the Asst. Director that I report to was either shitcanned or left of their own volition this morning.  Word of mouth says 'resigned', but the official note from the HMFIC says 'left to pursue other opportunities'.  That usually implies being frogmarched out to the parking garage clutching a cardboard box full of coffee mugs and picture frames.

So, here's the $112,000 question.  How big a cut of the AD's salary do we need to kick back to the aforementioned HMFIC to have him divvy it up between the remaining peons in the group??  After all, if we don't spend it, we'll just have to give it back...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Too Much Is Never Enough

That'll Do, Pig.  That'll Do.

For those of y'all that missed this on Facebook last week:

Bacon.  It's what's for dinner.  And breakfast.  And lunch.  And for dinner again...

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Communications Breakdown

What Kind Of Whine Goes With Mac & Cheese??

Well, this is a steaming pile of technoturds...

The new Blogger interface does NOT play well with the crypto-Mac at home.  Can't upload pictures, and just navigating the buttons is an exercise in frustration.

So, it may be that my infrequent posting might get even more so. 

Of course, this has been duly reflected by my plummeting readership, more's the pity.  My blogroll's got more holes than a round of Emmentaler.

In order to get pics off my camera and uploaded here, I'll have to bring my SD card reader in to the office to slurp out the data.  No big deal, but while The Man's official computer use policy allows for 'infrequent and incidental personal use', hooking up all my toys would (to me) be pushing the limit.

I s'pose it's time to upgrade the Mac.  I can post from the smartphone, but it's kind of a PITA, and I still have the picture problem.

Grrr.  We will be dragged into the future by the scruff of our necks, whether we like it or not!

Friday, April 20, 2012

A Friday WTF??

I Love Payday Fridays!

Well, I knew this was coming. I've been forced into the new Blogger interface. Not too wonky, but I'm going to have to learn where everything is.

Also... got a notice from the Haloscan/JS Kit folks that their commenting platform will be going away in October. I've been using them since forever, so I'm not sure what the hell I need to do now.

Well, it's after 5 pm on a Friday. I'll worry about this stuff later. There's cards to deal, beer to drink and cigars to smoke.

Oh. Hehehehe.... One more thing! Clean out your bag after you get back from a road trip!

Before a meeting today, I reached in to pull out my thumb drive, and came out with a Walther PPK magazine. Fortunately, no one was paying attention. That might have been awkward...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Green Light Blues

Thursday. The Poor Man's Friday.

That damned green light is still staring at me...

We've got an ancient phone system here at the office. Anyone who's gotten used to a Lucent, Nortel or Aspect switch will shudder at the sight of these steam-powered desk sets.

We don't have any replacement sets, so you're kind of limited to percussive maintenance. Mine fritzes out every so often, and if unplugging it and letting it reset won't do the trick, you slap it a few times.

The voicemail mostly works. Mine was out for several weeks earlier this year. After my trip to Austin, though, I'm staring at the green LED telling me there's messages in the system. Could be two messages, could be twenty-two. There's no way to tell until you dial in.

A few will be the usual broadcast messages advertising blood drives, bake sales, and whatever else passes for community news around here.

The rest? Probably angry villagers sharpening pitchforks and wrapping torches.

*Sigh*. Nothing for it. Gotta push the button and see.

Cover me! I'm going in!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

This Post Has To Last Five Days!!

You Can Always Re-read My Archives!

OK, friends and neighbors, this will have to hold you until the middle of next week. I've got the Texas Cigar Festival today, then it's my nephew Sammy's 7th birthday (SEVENTH!!! ZOMG!!!!), then I'm up in Austin on a business conference for a few days.

I'll have the not-so-stupid phone with me, so I'll be able to check in, but posting might be slim-to-none.

OK, get out that checkbook and prepare for Buy A Gun Day!!

You did remember Buy A Gun Day, right? You take that cash that you loaned Uncle Sugar last year, and plunk it down on something shooty!

Here's a couple of investment opportunities from Collector's Firearms for the One Percenters out there. I saw these, and I might have jizzed my drawers just a little bit...

First: A Jen-Yu-Wine piece of Texas History!!

A Company Colt Walker - #45. All matching serial #s. Part of comedian Buddy Hackett's collection, and displayed at the 2003 Texas Gun Collectors Showing of the famous "Parade of Walkers". Solid provenance!

Second: For those who enjoy converting money into noise!

Browning 1917 Machine Gun. A water-cooled MG, which comes with four barrels, two .308, one 8mm, and one .30-06. Also comes with ammo cans, belts, belt loader, water can, and hose. With enough ammo, you could tunnel through a mountain!

Class III item, so be prepared for the transfer tax and the ATF proctological exam to get OK'ed for it.

OK, the tariff is a bit high on the first two. Here's a bargain!

Just $295 for a sweet Remington 870 Wingmaster, in the manly and effective gauge of 12!! Rock-solid dependable, and good for decades of service out in the marshes and fields.

Plus, if the fit hits the shan, all you need is a hacksaw, a small file and some emery paper to modify it for urban hunting!

Friday, April 13, 2012

The Nose Knows

You Know Who You Are!!

A bit of an olfactory assault today in the elevator. Not quite as bad as a nasty fart, but still pretty pungent.

Ladies, a bit of advice:

As you approach "a certain age", do not despair. Though the cumulative effects of time/gravity/life might have left their marks, it's not all bad. There's folks out there that appreciate the experience and wisdom that you've earned. And that white skunk stripe bisecting your glorious black fall of hair? Drop dead sexy!!


There comes a time when you really need to reconsider your choice of perfume.

On a 20 year old hardbody out clubbing on a Saturday night, that deep musky-spicy scent is just the thing. On a woman closer to 50 than 40 in a business suit at 3:00 in the afternoon? It's a bit much. Remember, it's a fine line between sultry cougar and mangy coyote!

Perhaps something with a citrus/floral note? A touch of sandalwood and bergamot? You don't need to go with the old lady gardenias, but you really ought to tone it down a bit!


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Timeline For Blogger?

You Will Be Assimilated!!

OK, this concerns me:

Something tells me I'll get hit with the Facebook Timeline "Upgrade" and this new pile of fun on the same day.

Anyone know what this is about, and whether you can bypass the drama??

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Dying With Style

Tons And Tons Of Gunny Fun!

I've never been shy about my desire to bring back duelling as a means of dispute resolution. As I mentioned long ago, people would be a lot more polite if they risked getting a yard of steel through their brisket for mouthing off in public. A fifty-six caliber lead ball works just as well!

Alas, changing public mores and an inability to keep the riffraff off the field of honor has left the traditional "grass before breakfast" in the distant past, and the employment of lawyers as the only acceptable means of redress.

Still, it gave my heart a happy hoppity-skippity to see this beautiful set of duelling pistols appear on the Collector's Firearms website:

Belgian manufacture, exquisite woodworking, damascus steel barrels, and those lovely German silver triggerguards! A bargain at $7,950! Kinda makes you want to call someone's sister a filthy whore in order to give 'em a try!

My only gripe is the rifled barrels. I'd prefer smoothbore, as that slight element of chance adds to the suspense of the duel...

As long as you're on their website, be sure to admire this English coach gun! It's a step above the usual highwayman repellent, with a shapely stock and very nice brass furniture.

Wish I could afford the $3,975 tariff. It would be just the thing to give to the giant eunuch guarding the Baboon Pirate harem. A "cooch" gun, as it were...

Monday, April 09, 2012

Trayvon Comes To Town

Snacking On The Down Low

Saw this at a local convenience store. Someone decided to add a Skittles package to an AIDS testing poster featuring a black man in a hoodie. Didn't see a can of iced tea anywhere.

I don't think hot pink hoodies are going to be the garment of choice for anyone not engaging in risky sex acts with neighborhood watchmen, but you never know..

Saturday, April 07, 2012

The Beat Goes On

7 A.M. Is Too Early For Dump Trucks Outside My Bedroom Window!

They're getting closer to the front door!

This ends week three of Big Damn Fun On My Street. They've got one half of the long slab laid down, and are getting started on the cul de sac.

It's one ugly automotive rodeo. We're all parking wherever we can, and often getting rousted out of bed at the crack of dawn to avoid having the Big Yellow Monster scoop up your vehicle.

Four wheel drive and a disregard for your neighbor's shrubbery is a plus, I have to say...

Friday, April 06, 2012

Scraping Out The Earworm

Never *Ever* Listen To Sunny 99 FM!!

I had a dreadful earworm yesterday. I won't inflict it on you, other than to say it was a song by the Stylistics, an early 70's Philly R&B group. *shudder*

The only way to shake it was to sing obscene ditties.

Y'all might as well join in the fun...

The Schlong Song
(To the tune of "Turkey In The Straw")

Does your schlong hang low?
Does it wiggle to and fro?
Can you tie it in a knot?
Can you tie it in a bow?
Can you throw it o'er your shoulder
Like a continental soldier?
Does your schlong hang low?

Does your schlong stand high?
Does it point up to the sky?
Does it glisten when it's wet?
Is it crusty when it's dry?
Can you violate your neighbor
With a minimum of labor?
Does your schlong stand high?

Repeat ad nauseum et libitum

I Need A Sheep
(To the tune of "Scotland The Brave)

Bring me some whiskey, mother,
I'm feeling frisky, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
I need a lover, mother,
No, not my brother, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!

Gerbils don't make it, mother,
They just can't take it, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
Owls, bats and other critters,
Just tend to give me jitters.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!

I need some lanolin
Softer than flannel-in
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night
I need an ovine lover
No other so-fine lover
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night.

Some think a swine is fine,
And some like a horse of course, but
Those in the know, know that sheep are the best!
Their fleece is soft and white,
They keep you warm at night.
England may rule the seas, but Scotland's depraved.

Monogamy is folly
I think I'll clone dear Dolly
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night
Twins, triplets and quadruplets
Sheep lovers know the scoop--let's
Find us a sheep to clone for pleasure tonight

Snails, bats, and other critters
They just give me the jitters
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night
Bring me my sheets of rubber
Bring me my peanut butter
England may rule the seas, but Scotland's depraved.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

$&%^%##$(% Bums...

No Spare Change Here, Sparky.

And I was in a good mood too...

OK, for the last time:


If you have a problem telling them to fuck off, I assure you, I do not.

That is all.

Monday, April 02, 2012

CVS: The Domestic Drug Dealer

Being Healthy Would Be A Lot Cheaper.

Well, the wallet just took a severe hit. Today was the quarterly re-up on my mail order scrips, as well as a refill of 5 more from the local pill purveyor.

So, $318 for a 90 day supply, and another $110 for the monthly stash. That's just the copay. If I had to pay retail, I'd be dealing crack just to have enough cash to stay healthy and keep the lights on.

I really ought to look into that Flexible Spending Account business. Sure, some of these might go generic in a year or so, but even some of those are $25-35 a pop.

Anybody out there do the FSA? How much do you set aside on a per annum basis?

Sigh. At least you don't have to tip the pharmacist...