Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

AFK Until Monday

No Free Ice Cream For You!

Y'all have a happy Thanksgiving holiday!

I'll be back next week!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Never Mix Fast Food!

You'd Think I'd Know Better By Now...

Man, what a night...

It was pretty damn cold last night, and I wasn't feeling all that great about the cold KFC chicken sitting in the fridge awaiting me for dinner.

So, I called an audible and changed up the play at the line of scrimmage, and instead of heading home, pulled into the local Wendy's drive thru for some chili.

Two of their large chilis with onions would have set me straight, but they were out of the large cups.  Sigh.  OK, two small chilis to go...

Shoulda gotten three.  I was still hungry.  So, the chicken got consumed.  And I learned you shouldn't mix KFC and Wendy's.

4 hours later, the adventure began.  Dreams to make you doubt your sanity...

I was in Kansas City, Missouri.  I know this because I was in a decrepit van wandering down broken & torn up suburban streets until we came to a town square that had a large building labeled "Kansas City, Missouri".

This is kind of odd, 'cause to my recollection, I've never visited Kansas City, Missouri.  I might have passed through on I-35 coming back from Canada, once.

OK, once the locale was established, things got weirder.  I was in an old building watching my cousin Becky and some other person dissect a corpse.  Becky's a nurse, so this made a certain amount of sense, but the corpse kept floating off the table and getting batted around by the ceiling fan.

Later, I was forced to join a work crew building a pipeline out of 3" PVC pipe.  My job was to smear pipe sealant on each joint.  Instead of PVC cement, this appeared to be oatmeal mixed with sand.

The purpose of the pipeline was to feed an enormous quantity of gelatin to a theater, where Monty Python was going to perform a sketch called "Cockneys In Aspic".  I kept getting bitched out by John Cleese for not working hard enough, until I quit and went home.

Sometime after that, I woke up.  I was still kinda hungry.

But not for aspic...

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Turning Dollars Into Noise

It'd Be Cheaper To Buy Dynamite...

Once again, Collector's Firearms dangles a tasty morsel just out of arm's reach.

Oh, who am I kidding.  This thing is two arms, three legs and several torsos beyond my reach...

For the low, low price of $11,499, you too can own a semiauto belt fed M60E4!  Hook up a 250 round belt and send $120 downrange in under a minute!

Sigh...  If I could afford to, I would.

(Click pix to embiggenate!)



Tuesday, November 19, 2013

This Crazy Town

High Weirdness Delivered Direct!

Oh, the things you'll see...

First up, the chicken has returned.  The neighbor's Leghorn hen has made my yard a favored locale for scratching and pecking.  As the chicken is basically quiet and doesn't seem to leave piles of chicken shit everywhere, I'm inclined to just let it roam.  Hell, it's eating bugs, after all.

It was poking about the side yard as I was warming up the truck this morning.  It doesn't seem to respond to calls of "Hey, Bird!" or "Here, chickchickchick!"  It's not much of a conversationalist at all, and only discusses dollar bills and male deer if pressed.


For a brief instant this morning, I thought FERRARI MAN!! had returned...

As I was heading into the local QuiKeeMart, I saw a guy pull in in a Porsche Panamera.  After seeing the brutal beatdown the guys on Top Gear gave the four door Porsche, I wondered who might still have the balls to drive one.

Well, this guy was making a statement.  About what, I have no clue...   He had on a flaming red Ferrari ball cap, almost concealed under his hoodie.  And what a hoodie it was...

Ever seen a double-breasted hoodie made out of pinstriped wool?  Damndest article of clothing I've seen in ages.  Looked like an expensive men's business suit, only with an integral hood built into the collar out of the same suit material.

He slunk into the store and made a beeline for the bathroom, staying in there long enough to either drop a deuce or shoot up some smack.  Upon exit, he bought nothing, but dashed out and drive away.

Go figure...  Douchebags on parade!


On the last stretch of road before hitting downtown, I passed an ancient GMC work van completely covered in black & white zebra stripes.  It even had the old hairband "Zebra" logo painted on the side.  I expected it to be driven by some burnt out roadie or 80's metalhead holdover, but the pilot was an ancient Hispanic guy.   Guess he bought the tour van after their reunion tour flamed out.  Zebra was based out of New Orleans, so it's not a huge stretch....


Friday, November 15, 2013

Ein Pickelshei├če

Vinegar + Cucumber = 1/2 Hour On The Can

When the hell did pickles become a laxative???

I used to be able to plow through a bottle of Claussen Dill halves, or a jar of midget sours and suffer no more ill effects than a temporary spike in my body's saline level.

Recently, I got some of those refrigerated single-serve jumbo dills, and without fail, within a couple of hours I'm clinging on to the rim of the shitter trying not to take flight!!

I've got no clue whether or not sweet pickles will have the same effect.  I stick with dills & sours to minimize the calorie hit.

Sigh.  Maybe I need to start pickling broccoli & cauliflower.   Those tend to back things up quite firmly...

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Alas, No Moore

Another Hole In The Blogroll...

Word came down the pike last night that blogger and dachshund wrangler extraordinaire Sam Moore aka "Yabu" had shuffled off this mortal coil.

I first met Sam and his lovely wife Barbie at one of several BlownStar meets here in Texas, and later out in Tennessee.  We had a mutual admiration society in each other's firearms.  His term of approval for a nice boomstick was "That's a badass ride!"

Sam could tell a story!  His topics ranged from adolescent hijinks to offshore sailing to rocketry in ill-advised locales.  My favorite was his "Elvis made my hotdog!" tale.  Ask me at a blogmeet, and I'll repeat it.

Sam's phrase when it was time to leave was "I'm gonna break for cover!"  Well, he broke for cover one last time, heading for the great Stretchengeti in the sky.

Gonna miss you, Sam!  You were one of a kind!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Chips Ahoy

Let The Fritos Fall Where They May...

Anybody out there involved in the salty snack food business?

I've got a daily stop in the morning at a convenience store to pick up a supply of diet fizzy drinks, ice and the occasional over-sugared pastry-like substance.

Over the years, you get to know the convenience store routine pretty well.  What days the tankers deliver gas, when the grocer's supply truck blocks half the parking lot, when the Coke trucks and beer trucks do the same thing...

And, of course, the Monday & Thursday visit from the Frito-Lay guy.

He's got a panel van packed full of cardboard boxes, each of which contain some variety of bagged chip or other salty snack.  He carries in a dozen or more boxes, rotates the stock, fills the racks and then trundles off to his next stop on the line.  

Now, judging from the time he takes to do one store's stock of chips, plus the account reconciliation with the store staff, the packing of the boxes, etc., he can't be doing more than one or two stores an hour.  Put that into an eight hour day, and there's a top end on how many stores he can be servicing.  Even with a 6 day workweek, he can't be moving all that much product.

My question is, how are they making money?

Let's face it, those bags are mostly air, even the big ones. They take up a lot of space, limiting the number of stops before you have to go back to the warehouse and re-up.  That big gas-guzzling panel van can only move so many bags of chips per day, and with a cost averaging a buck and a quarter per bag, I can't see how they pay the jobber's salary, much less the truck operating costs, the packaging, the factory upkeep, the multitude of office staff, advertising, depreciation, and all the other overhead costs involved with a national brand.

I'm guessing their production & raw material cost must be next to nothing.  If the net contents of each bag are just a few pennies, then perhaps I can see how Frito-Lay, Tom's, Lance, Wise, Utz and the like make their coin.

Anybody know for certain?

Friday, November 08, 2013

Poultry In Motion

Taking Free-Ranging A Bit Too Far...

I had an unexpected visitor in the back yard this morning.  On the way out to the truck I heard something scruffling around in the grass.  I turned, expecting to see one of the many wandering dogs or cats that run loose despite our leash laws, but saw instead a big ol' white chicken.

Once again, the hillbillies next door had let one of the critters get loose.  I wandered over and found the leader of the clan, and asked him to come get the bird.

"Well", sez he.  "I thought we had her locked up in the pigpen, but that damn bird's an escape artist!"

Pigpen?  Did he just say PIGPEN???

I'm a tolerant guy, but this is getting to be a bit much.  Chickens, goats, bunnies, I can deal with.

First time I catch some wandering swine, we're gonna have a pig roast...

Answers To Questions

Setting The Record Straight...

There were a few questions & comments left on some previous posts.  I thought I'd take the opportunity to reply.  Ever since Haloscan cratered, I've been leery of trying to carry on a conversation in the existing comment system.

So...

The pic with the long-armed dude, tranny and elephant:   From a sketch called "Find The Fish" from Monty Python's brilliant (and highly underrated) film 'The Meaning Of Life'.

Mambo's in Houston does indeed have squid.  I've had it fried, but I'd like to try it grilled.

Basa?  Not preferable to local catfish.  Preferable to eating gar or tilapia, though.  And I ATE THE RED SNAPPER, DAMMIT!!

No, I didn't create the Baboon Tsunami cartoon.  Wish I had.  "Monkey Sea, Monkey Doom" is a stroke of genius... 

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Clock Strikes Ten?

Can't Blame This One On Odd Food...

Mondo bizarre dream last night...

Y'know those mashups you see on YouTube where they mix up two different bands into one song, and playback the result?

Sometimes it works, other times it sounds like crap.

And sometimes, you dream about it...

I was onstage with the members of Styx and Cheap Trick, and we were playing 'Surrender'.  I was on drums, which was even more bizarre since A) I don't play drums, and B) WTF did the Dream Police do with Bun E. Carlos??

Actually, it sounded pretty good. The song kept morphing into 'Grand Illusion', but I'd just hit the drums harder to "reset" the song.

Just before I woke up, I was telling a friend of mine that the next act on the bill was KISS & The Kinks.  Kinda glad I missed that show...

Friday, November 01, 2013

Find The Fish

"It Was A Most Elusive Little Fish..."

Don't ask these guys to help you find a fish...


I had an odd urge to consume something with fins & scales yesterday.

Houston's a pretty good town for getting some seafood.  With the Gulf nearby, there's no lack of shrimp, oysters, redfish and other tasty local goodies.

There's a local chain called Mambo's that does a pretty fair job of serving up the pescado

Since it's also less than a mile from the house, I dropped by after work.

They don't have a huge breadth to their menu.  Appetizers are few, mostly ceviche and fried things.

For the fish, you can choose from red snapper, catfish, tilapia and basa. Oh, and gar, which I wouldn't eat on a bet.  There's also lobster, oysters, and shrimp.

Damn! There's octopus!  Can't forget the octopus!

I got a shrimp cocktail to start.  I much prefer a Gringo shrimp cocktail.  The typical SC in a Mexican-style place is a mug full of salad shrimp, chopped onions, peppers and avocado doused with ketchup and hot sauce.   It's OK, but I prefer jumbo shrimp & horseradish spiked cocktail sauce...

The dinner special was a whole red snapper for 16 bucks, so instead of my usual combo platter (which is all fried, and not that good for me), I splurged and got the snapper split down the center and grilled.

Damn, that was one tasty fish.  A lot of bones, though.  Sections around the head and fins were slow going to keep from inhaling the pinbones.  I gave up with the fork and just used my fingers.  To hell with being polite, there was fish to consume!

While the fish was grilling, I used my phone to figure out just WTF "Basa" and "tilapia" were.  Basa is just a fat Vietnamese farm-raised catfish.  It's called Basa so the U.S. catfish growers keep a monopoly on the catfish name.

I always thought tilapia was some kind of South American fish.  I had it confused with the Arowana.  Turns out, though it's called perch or bream sometimes, it's really an African Cichlid.  So, when you're dining on tilapia, you're pretty much eating a fish identical to the Oscars or Jack Dempseys your tropical fish-loving friends have raised.

Looks like it's basa from here on out...