Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

"I'll name it Gullible Consumer!"

OK, I got a good rant built up now...

Every Xmas, those of us who listen to the radio as we commute into work (or laze around the house) get pummeled with the holiday edition of the "Buy This NOW!!!" ads. The 'Cable-Lock' foundation repair ads, carpet cleaning ads and the "Donate a Car for Kids" adverts fade into the Holiday Bear-O-Grams, the "Give her a diamond, that'll shut her up!" ads, and the horrible Fruitcake of the Month Club ads. OK, I'm joking about the last one.

The one that really sets my teeth on edge, though, is the International Star Registry. This crew of shysters have got the biggest set of brass donkey balls you've ever seen. For 20 years, they've been selling precisely DICKUS SQUATTUS!!! Yet, every year like clockwork, people pony up the dollars and keep these yobbos in business.

Here's what they claim, and to their credit, they do exactly what they promise to do. They may be shitheels, but they're not frauds. Copied from their website: (and no, no links for these fuckers!)

Do you need a unique idea for the perfect Christmas gift? Name a star for that special someone. Naming a star is the ideal Christmas gift! Giving a star name is easy and fun. When you name a star it shows the recipient how truly unique and special they are to you. Make this Christmas Shine!
They claim that they'll "register your star in book form in the U.S. Copyright office." Big fuckin' deal! You can smear shit on a piece of sandpaper, sign it, and register it in book form in the U.S. Copyright office. It means NOTHING!! The international scientific community doesn't recognize the International Star Registry's naming convention, and neither should you!!

For the low low price of $54 simoleons, here's what you get...

  • A beautiful 12" X 16" full color parchment certificate personalized with the star name, date and coordinates. (Their cost, probably 12 cents)

  • A Personalized 12" X 16" sky chart containing the star name, star date, the constellation and the location circled in red where the star is in the sky. (Their cost, probably 15 cents, plus $1 for the red Sharpie)

  • A booklet on astronomy written by a professional astronomer with additional sky charts. (Their cost, probably 50 cents. 'Booklet' is the key here... probably 16 pages with a construction paper cover)
  • A letter of congratulations/memorial for the recipient. (their cost, probably 2 cents)
  • So, add a couple of bucks for shipping, and for a total cost to them of $3.79, you pay $52, get to give a worthless gift, your recipient gets to know what a tool you are, and they make a cool 93% profit.

    I dunno, I hate to be judgemental, but the recipients of this POS gift who will actually think it's a "way cool" gift probably have a plethora of wall art in their shacks including Day-Glo unicorns, velvet Elvii, and those crying kids with the cue-ball sized eyes.

    I dunno what pisses me off more. The fact that they sell this crap, the fact that people are dumb enough to buy it, or the fact that I didn't think of it first!!!

    To quote this guy... JUST DAMN!!!!