Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

M. Night Shyamalan Sucks

Warning.... I'm about to go on a rant here. Excessive spoilers below, 'cause I think his movies are such a POS that I have to ruin the "surprises" for everyone else just so they don't have to suffer as well. If you want to remain in the clueless category, just scroll down real quick until you get to the SECOND set of SUCKS pics at the end of this post.


M. Night Shyamalan, how do I despise your movies? Let me count the ways... Let's see, there's '6th Sense', 'Unbreakable', 'Signs', and now a ruinous turd of gigantomous proportions, 'The Village'.

I remember the buzz when '6th Sense' was released. Everyone was talking about the 'awesome' twist at the end. No one would say what it was, saying "No, go see it! You'll flip out!" Had just one person spilled the beans, I could've saved 2 hours of my life and $7.50 to boot. I remember watching the movie, and as soon as it got to the dinner scene with Bruce Willis and his wife, and she kept talking but not making eye contact, I thought, "Well, OK, he's dead." So, towards the end when the "big surprise" was revealed, I was pissed off. Shit, I knew he was dead for 90 minutes. I tell people this, and they give me this look of disbelief. "Oh, sure, Cap! This movie is making major coin on word of mouth on the "big surprise" ending, and YOU figure it out in the first 15 minutes? Yeah, right!"

Yeah, right! Did none of you watch 'Ghost' in the 90's? Same deal.
The only thing I took out of that POS flick was the beginnings of desire to see Haley Joel Osment's big blue eyes pecked out by poxed ravens. Right after he's gang-raped by horrible poisonous toads. But I digress...

The next on the "M. Night Owes Me For 8 Hours Of My Life" list is 'Unbreakable'. Now, I don't actively hate this one, but it's not all that good. The pacing is glacial, the characters are weak, and the ending is laughable. Mr. Glass, my pasty white ass.

Now, we enter the realm of the "Just Plain Dumb" with 'Signs'. Nice premise, and the trailers were great. However, we ended up getting some kind of puerile morality tale with some Shake & Bake theology mixed in. And while the aliens were suitably creepy, the story didn't hold water. C'mon, intersteller travelers stymied by a closet door? Aliens strong enough to leap up on a roof can't manage to pry off a nailed board? Oh, and the water thing... let's see, they're deathly allergic to water, so they're running around in areas of the Earth where the humidity is high enough to make the air 75% water. Oh, yeah, there's a winner. Heh. I put in my blogger profile an answer to the question "You've got to make contact with the alien leader. How will you tell when the conversation is finished?" When the tentacled googly-eyed sonofabitch is being scraped off the sidewalk after I put a load of buckshot into him. That's what 'Signs' lacked. Spiny poison-spewing aliens meet farmers with Browning Auto-5's.

The Winnah and new Champeen in the "GodAwful Movies M. Night Made" category goes to 'The Village'. I watched it tonight, and that's what's got my dander up. Ok, here's the story.

A bunch of 1890's Shaker-types are trapped in a village in a sizable clearing in the deep woods. They can't leave because big boo-scarey hoobajoobs control everything past the woodline. Once we're at this premise, my first thought is "OK, they have a blacksmith, make some billhooks, halberds and some ring mail, light some torches, fire up the underbrush and kill anything boo-scarey that comes out of the smoke." That's just me, though. Nemo me impune lacessit, and all that.

But noooooo.... Gotta live in peace and harmony according to The Pact. They stay out, we stay in, and everyone's happy.
Naturally, real life soon intrudes into Utopia in the form of a psychotic "special needs" person. Try as hard as you will, entropy catches up to you! Knife-Fu ensues, and suddenly someone needs to go brave the outer world for some doctorin' supplies. So, the Village Elders, being the compassionate Utopian souls they are, send a blind girl to feel her way the many perilous miles to town.

Long story short, boo-scarey hoobajoobs are actually the compassionate Utopian Village Elders wearing boo-scarey hoobajoob barbaloot suits, trying to scare villagers into remaining in virtual slavery for all time. Utopian Village Elders are 70's commune-dwelling nutjobs with a shitload of cash who buy a nature preserve and pay to have it walled in to maintain their little social experiment. Blind girl gets doctorin' supplies without seeing EEeeeevil KKKapitalist world outside, and returns to purity of Communist life.

God, this movie pissed me off on so many levels. Even if Shyamalamadingdong was trying to send a message about the comparative evils of organized society or religion, Dude, just come right out and say it. Don't make me sit through a bad movie to preach at me. I let you do it during 'Signs'. No more!

Oh, and the boo-scarey hoobajoobs look like the Skeksis from Jim Henson's 'The Dark Crystal' who have overdosed on Red Dye #5.