Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, June 27, 2008

Radio Daze

Paul Harvey, You Mercenary SOB...

#%&*@$*$@ Radio Douchebags...

About the only thing worse than listening to FM radio in Houston is listening to AM radio in Houston...

It's not just the crappy programming, though that's a big part of the Maleficient Suckularity.

No, it's the damn ads. On a 45 minute drive home, I get maybe 22 minutes of programming, and also 23 minutes of ads, station promos, DJ bumpers, and if I'm lucky, a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System.

The ads, though... Grrrrr...... I'm gonna find the jagoff that did the music for John Moore Plumbing and ram that clarinet up his wazoo. Also, the musical geniuses behind the Joseph A. Bank ads, the Amazing Siding ads, the IQ Auto Buyers ads... They shall all drown in lakes of blood!!!

They're not the worst, though. The top two spots are reserved for a couple of serious douchebags.

The runner up is some guy that's authored a book, probably published it either through the vanity press or a self-funded deal, and is spending Jeebus knows how much money on radio ads to shill it to the unsuspecting public. The ads are ear-bleedingly bad. I can only imagine that the actual book is much, much worse.

The guy's protagonist is named Matthew Wolverine, which stretches credibility to the breaking point. I've met people named Fox, Bear, Wolfe, Bass, Deere and even Roach, but 'Wolverine' just isn't a name found in phonebooks.

I suppose this protagonist partners up with Mark Badger, Luke Bobcat and John Marmot to defeat the treacherous Judas Weasel.

To get an idea of how awful this book appears to be, check out the guy's website and the entry on The hyperbole is enough to reach out and strangle you. Here's just a taste:
Texas Secedes is a gripping, action packed novel in which the reader will most assuredly identify with and become personally involved with many of the characters. It is a beautiful story about love, religion, standing for something, taking action and difficult decisions. In many instances, action is fast and furious as dangerous and difficult situations are dealt with.

This work of fiction is so relevant to conditions existing in Texas in the early 21st century, that the reader may find himself wondering if it doesn’t contain some kernels of reality and truth.

We predict that you will find the rapid fire dialogue an easy read and that you will find yourself so caught up in this most intriguing story that you will have difficulty putting it down before you finish reading it.

I just heard the latest version of his radio ads this week... Now he's promoting himself as a public speaker, and even name-checks all the major radio hosts to beg an appearance invite... What a Douche Supreme...

The Winnah and still Champeen of the radio ad douchebags is some dude named... Y'know what? I'm not going to help him advertise his product by even saying his name.

He's pushing what appears to be a MLM scheme utilizing some nifty plan that promises millions in income for the enrollees.

Whether his program is for real or not, that's not what bugs me about the ads. They are unprofessional to a degree that it evokes the Red Curtain of Blood just in the opening seconds of the ad. I suppose they're supposed to let you feel that the advertiser is a laid-back carefree beach bum that's stumbled onto a million dollar idea, but to have to sit through a supposedly unscripted 15 seconds of this douchebag laughing and joking with his buddies just gives me the red-ass. I turn off the radio whenever they come on, and won't turn it back on until my blood pressure returns to normal.

They recently updated the ads with an announcer that tries to insert some professionalism, but it doesn't work. Ad version #3 is just as bad as #1. If you're dropping your cash on this douchebag, you deserve to lose it.

So, any radio douchebags in your listening area?