Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Cat Cuisine?

Or, How To Piss Off Cat Owners Worldwide!

Just for the record, I own two cats and would never consider eating them. Nibbling on their toes and ears occasionally? OK, maybe, but never in the stewpot!

Now, *YOUR* cat, on the other hand... er... paw, is fair game.

Steve Graham of Hog On Ice has a contest on how to best cook a cat. Specifically, the 44 pound cat that was recently found wandering through New Jersey.

This is "Princess Chunk":

Steve is hosting the contest over on his food blog, Manly Grub. You'll probably have to register to enter, but you ought to do that anyway!

OK, a cat this big is the equivalent of Japanese Wagyu beef. The most exertion this cat has had in the last few years is pulling the mice from its fur where they'd been trapped by the gravitational pull.

The meat's gonna be extremely well-marbled, though it'll be hard to tell since cats are a white meat.

Marbled... that reminds me. My friend Zibig's cat Marblecakes was at least 25 pounds. She would have worked well in this recipe!

Anyway, a cat this plump you don't want to cook indoors. This calls for slow grilling over charcoal, where the lard can moisten the meat as it drips off and drops onto the coals, releasing delicious carcinogens to waft up and delicately flavor the meat!

As much as I'd like to cook this 44 lb. piggykitty in one piece, it's harder than you think to spatchcock a cat. So, best to just slice up the kitty into several pieces. If you're unsure how to cut up a cat for grilling, you can refer to this manual on dressing out rabbits. It's just about the same process.

Charcoaled Calico Cat

44 lb calico cat, cut into pieces
(For spicier flavor, substitute Siamese or Abyssinian)
2 c Fresh lemon juice
2 c Chopped onion
4 c Vegetable oil
4 tbs Salt
1 tbs Celery seed
1 tbs Onion salt
1 tbs Thyme
2 tbs Rosemary
2 tbs Oregano
8 Cloves of garlic, crushed
Optional - cayenne or crushed red pepper flakes to taste

In plastic bag or large shallow bowl, combine all ingredients except cat meat. Add meat and marinate 6-8 hours. Prepare barbeque for cooking. Place cat pieces on rack 6 inches above hot coals. Grill 10-15 minutes, basting occasionally. Turn, continue basting, and grill 10-15 minutes longer until juice runs clear when pierced to bone with fork. Serves 8 people or one pack of dogs.