Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Pneumatic Hydration

My Pants Really Ought To Fit Better After This...

I've grown somewhat accustomed to drinking Walgreen's house brand of flavored Vitamin water. They come in liter bottles, and usually sell at a 5 bottles for $4 deal. I most often get three of the lemon-lime and two of the mixed berry flavor.

They use Splenda for sweetening, so I get a tasty beverage for no calories and no caffeine. There's not a whole lot of vitamins in them. After all, you're kind of limited in how many additives you can add to plain water before it starts to look like sewer sludge. Still, it's better for my blood sugar levels than fruit juice or sugary sodas.

The problem is that I think they're being discontinued. They no longer stock them in the drink cooler, and they're getting scarce on the regular shelves.

So, when faced with no delicious lemony water yesterday, I settled for sugar-free sparkling water, in a tasty cherry flavor.

I'm not a fan of sparkling water, 'cause it takes forever to get the bottle open. If you twist the cap right off, the water fizzes up and you get soaked in overflowing foam. If you're standing over a sink, that's OK, but you lose 1/3 of the bottle.

So, you crank open the cap a smidgen, let it fizz up, then retighten before it spews out. This process can go on for quite a while before you reduce the carbonation enough to get the cap completely off. This is annoying at best, and intolerable when you're thirsty.

The other downside is the carbonation. All those sparkly bubbles don't just vanish into the ether with each swallow. Oh, no.

You belch some of the CO2 out, but a sizable amount remains in your GI tract, with predictable results in a short period of time.

I'm not sure how much CO2 they can pump into each bottle, but I'm of the opinion that if I was to belt on a floor-length rubber plenum skirt, I could do a pretty fair hovercraft imitation.

Y'know, benzene contamination be damned, this is the real reason Perrier fell out of favor. Too many supermodels farting and flying off the runway...