Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Only In The Movies...

"Suspension Of Disbelief Set To 110%, Captain!"

I'm sure y'all have seen one of those "Only In The Movies" lists that show up in emails and web humor sites. It's got items like:

*Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

*If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

*You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

There's an additional "Only In The Movies" moment that bears mentioning.

Whenever there's a love interest, it usually follows the same pattern.

a) Meet cute.
b) Flirt and tease.
c) Have disagreement to build tension.
d) disagreement leads to screaming fight.
e) At height of fight, a long lingering look, then the clinch!
f) followed by much face-sucking and tongue jousting.
g) and then, the obligatory sex scene.

The sex scene is usually a montage of the two lovers schtupping all through the house, and one shot ALWAYS seems to include a bathroom or bedroom COMPLETELY STUFFED with lit candles.

All those candles burning is the "Only In The Movies" moment.

I suppose it's romantic, breathing in the fumes of 15 dozen tiny fires while you try to avoid singing your ass hairs on the candles burning on every flat surface in the room. Nothing clashes with a vanilla-cinnamon candle scent like burnt ass hair.

Let's not even comment on the clash of scents all those candles will undoubtedly produce. Probably smells like a fire caused after a tanker full of bath oil crashes into a potpourri factory.

Then, there's the time factor involved. All those candles don't light at the flick of a switch. I mean, what guy is going to sit there with a raging stiffie while a nekkid woman lights 200 candles? If you want me to wait while you pull on a skintight leather Batgirl outfit, well, I'm willing to negotiate. Otherwise, lighting more than 3 candles is wasted on me, sweetheart.

Let's suppose you do manage to get all those candles lit. Do you really think it's going to be the idyllic love scene as portrayed by Hollywood? Oh, please...

The reality is, while you're in the tub trying not to slosh all the water out and knock over the little tealight candles, in comes Barney the Dog to see what all the ruckus is. Naturally, that big whappy Lab tail knocks over a bunch of candles, spewing hot wax all over the dog, who freaks out & knocks over more candles trying to escape, catching his tail alight in the process.

Now, instead of making love in a candlelit boudoir, you and your lover are wet, naked, and chasing a flaming Labrador through the house as it sets the curtains on fire.

Yup, definitely a "Only In The Movies" moment...