Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, August 08, 2008

Things You Never Knew You Needed...

I Bet You Could Use It To Noodle Catfish. He'll Be Pissed, Though.

Want to take a wild guess what this is?

I saw it in the latest mailout catalog from Gander Mountain. It's hunting season, and there's new toys out on the market.

Nope, it's not a tent peg. Nor is it a picket stake for horses, or a quick shore anchor for your boat.

Ladies and Gents, the item pictured is called the Butt Out® big game field dressing tool from Hunter’s Specialties.

Let me quote their sales pitch:
Cutting around and removing the anal canal on deer is a necessary step in field dressing that is difficult and potentially dangerous, often resulting in contaminated meat.

With Hunter’s Specialties Butt Out® big game field dressing tool, hunters can quickly and easily remove the anal alimentary canal on deer and deer-sized game.

Did you read that right? Deer and deer-sized game.

Y'know what else is deer-sized? PEOPLE!!!

I'm not too sure I like the idea of this device being out on the open market. Sooner or later someone's going to use it on another person with malice aforethought. You've heard of the Colombian Necktie, where they slice your throat and pull your tongue down through the hole?

Well, now you've got the Appalachian Ass Knot, where your colon is pulled out far enough to garrote you with it.

Even worse, what if some whackazoid like that Canadian Greyhound Bus murderer gets ahold of this thing? Instead of cutting off your head and eating your lips and nose, he might just pull out your bunghole and slice it up like calamari rings!!

Sigh. It used to be that the mark of an experienced outdoorsman was one who could eviscerate his downed prey without tainting the meat. Now any jagoff with a butt plug and a bread knife can clean a deer. Ah, well. The times, they are a changin'...

If you have the intestinal fortitude to watch (pun intended), you can view a video of the Butt Out® in action here.