Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Natural Laxative!

The Organic, Holistic Path To Natural Bowel Cleansing!

So, a high-fiber diet got you a bit constipooted?

There you sit, brokenheated... Came to shit and only farted?

One too many slices of extra-cheese pizza and a heaping bowl of Grapenuts, and now your colon feels like the Hoover Dam?

Relax!! At HamFisted Plumbing, Dental Supply and Homeopathic Health Spa, we have the solution you need!

For just $49.99, you can try our patented "SmallBore" method for fast relief from temporarily blocked bowels! We'll ship you a specially trained rodent to bore through the blockage, and set you on the Road To Recovery!

No embarrassing doctor visits! No expensive Emergency Room trips! No more messy enemas! Just quiet, painless colon-boring in the comfort and safety of your own home!

No experience with colon-boring rodents up your balloon knot? No worries!

First, remove the hamster from the sterile enclosure and cup it gently in your palm. (Illustrated below)

Slather a heaping handful of the enclosed 'BaconLube' over the hamster and your bunghole. Be sure to get a pinky's worth up the poopchute just to help "grease the skids"!

Next, insert the hamster gently up your bunghole, and allow its natural homing instinct to guide itself through your blockage, boring a large passage through the bolus, and breaking up the compacted fecal material!

Natural peristaltic action should bring both the hamster and the dislodged fecal material out the usual exit portal.

Should the hamster encounter foreign objects impervious to its teeth, or expire prematurely due to the toxic quality of your bowels, please contact us immediately for overnight delivery of our patented "Hamsto Gotta Go" removal system. ($1299.95, MC/Visa/Discovery ONLY)

We know you'll enjoy this revolutionary method of bowel cleansing! Call 1-800-HAMSTER for immediate service!

Remember! With HamFisted's patented & award-winning Colon-Boring Rodents:

"It's always exciting while we're boring!"