Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Evil Bastard Academy

Our Motto: Oderint Dum Metuant

While thinking about how much I'd like to stake my student loan holders to an anthill, my mind flashed to other evil things one could do to the unwitting and/or deserving douchebags of the world. F'rinstance...

1) A thin schmear of Colgate toothpaste on someone else's white toilet seat is always good for a laugh. Denture adhesive and Ben-Gay are other alternatives.

2) It only requires 5 or 6 cans of expandable insulation foam to completely fill the interior of a car. It dries pretty much rock hard.

3) 3-4 raw shrimp in a mesh bag can be stapled in a discreet location prior to a long weekend. It's best to do this to someone deserving who works on a floor or building far from yours.

4) Saran wrap over a toilet bowl, stretched tight to avoid wrinkles and increase transparency is always fun.

5) I've always wondered how loud the screams would be if I dumped out someone's Astroglide (or similar intimate lubricant) and replaced it with Purell hand sanitizer.

6) Mom told me the tale of several unknown hooligans in her high school class who locked a mule inside a classroom with several buckets of green apples. Apparently, mules can squirt shit up to the ceiling. Mules are kind of thin on the ground in downtown Houston, but there's a couple of Councilmen I'd like to try that on.

7) If you jack up a car and place bricks under the axles, measuring carefully and using boards for shims, you can leave the tires about 1/2 inch off the ground. This usually goes unnoticed, and leads to much consternation when the engine starts fine, but the car goes nowhere.

8) A couple of big baking potatoes and a wooden mallet are a huge improvement on the old 'banana in the tailpipe' gag.

9) You can buy huge bags of rock salt (meant for water softening or ice melting) for very little money. Put in a fertilizer spreader set to max volume, this makes for a nice way to write a message on someone's lawn.

10) They sell lead foil to make cork wrappers if you bottle your own wine. You can also use a few sheets of that same lead foil to cut out an outline of a handgun, and tuck it inside the lining of someone's briefcase before they leave for the airport. TSA hijinks will ensue...

Feel free to add your own favorites in the comments!