Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Beneath The Epidermis

Only Ten Things???

Dropped by Yabu's place this afternoon, and saw he's got a post up asking you to list 10 things that get under your skin.

OK, I'm hip to the scheme...

10) Driving recklessly/too fast for road or traffic conditions

Look, kill yourself if you must. I'd prefer if you didn't take me with you 'cause you're late for work.

9) Ad servers that can't manage to work properly

Drives me nuts to have to wait for a web page to load, and see " loading..." down at the bottom. Load that shit last, AFTER your content!! I drop by your page for you, not your ads.

8) That red Mercedes SLK350 in Memorial Park

Fuck you and your sense of entitlement! Cut me off again, and you'll see what 6500 lbs of American-made 4x4 will do to your bodywork...

7) Cell phones

You have no idea how sorely tempted I am to jam that thing up your ass sideways when you take a call while we're speaking face-to-face. That's what voicemail is for. Also, quit texting during the movie, you OCD schmuck.

6) Ignoring the leash law

One of these days I'm gonna drop a big ol' steamer on your front porch and see how you like unauthorized pooping outside your house. I could care less that your dog's the size of a giant rat, that turd still stinks when it adheres to my shoe!

5) Unwrapping/inspecting every item in your bag at the drive-thru window

Look, asshole, if you're that picky, you should have hauled your ginormous posterior out of that '86 LeBaron and waddled inside. I'm waiting 20 minutes for a cup of coffee 'cause you're fussing over the pickles on your 99 cents sammich. Prick...

4) Baristas and most every coffee snob out there

It's just coffee, asshole. Shut up and pour. 20 years ago, folks like you were dipping cones at Baskin-Robbins, & squirting out Orange Julii at the mall, and you weren't all uppity about it.

3) The Occupy crowd

Look, it's your right to protest, and I'm cool with that. OTOH, you've been out there for a long time, and nothing's changed. A handful of y'all protesting Capitalism with signs and chants is a lot like someone trying to knock down a brick building with their forehead. Sure, there's an infinitesimal chance you'll get lucky, but the smart money would bet on the bricks...

2) Pawn Shops

Y'all have been watching 'Pawn Stars' a few too many times. I know for a fact that you loaned out 15 cents on the dollar for that guitar/rifle/whatever. I am NOT gonna pay retail for it! Also, if it's still on your shelf a year later, you should have taken my offer. Have fun dusting it.

1) Politicians (all of you, but mainly the local yokels)

You are NOT doing me a personal favor by running for office. There's 100 others just like you who'd do it, and for all I know, they're 10 times better. Also, you got elected. That doesn't mean you suddenly joined the ranks of God's Select. In 6 years, your ass is term-limited out, and you're back to the bleachers with the rest of the peons. Stay humble, you officious twit...