Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, February 04, 2005

How To Disgust The Germ-Freaks

OK, so I'm sitting at my desk last night, eating cold leftover spaghetti for dinner and watching The Manchurian Candidate (the real one, not the Denzel suck-fest) on the iMac when I hear this "slurpslurpslurp" sound behind me. I look around, and Betsy The Cat has got one hind paw stuck straight up in the air, and is busily licking herself in a very kitty-p()rn manner. Ew. She's apparently got some distance-judging problems, 'cause she's overdoing the tongue thing and licking the bedsheets underneath her in addition to her naughty bits, making the slurping/scraping sound and depositing untold amounts of cat saliva and catcrotch germs onto the head of my bed. Well, the price of owning a cat, I think to myself. You take the good with the bad. Besides, I sleep on the other side of the bed. No harm, no foul.

I take a sip out of my insulated mug of iced tea. I used the very last of the current batch of tea pouring it, but got just the right mix of sweetener and lime. Ahhhh.. one righteous glass of tea. Makes me wish I had a big pool to fall backwards into. I set the mug back on the nightstand and turn back to the movie.

A couple of minutes later, I keep hearing the slurping sounds, but I ignore it this time. It continues, though, and sounds really close behind me. What is that cat up to? I turn around, and Betsy's stretched out across the gap between the bed and nightstand, with her rear paws on the mattress and her fore paws on either side of my tea mug. She's got her face buried in the mug, and has somehow managed to slurp up a good inch of the tea level in the mug.

With that filthy tongue! Dammit!!! That's the last of the tea! I give her the Glare of Death, which she ignores, as usual. She goes to stick her face back in the mug, so I lean over and lift her back feet off the bed, causing her great consternation. She gets the message, and scampers off to hide under the daybed.

Man, now I'm bummed. I still have 45 minutes of movie left, half a bowl of spaghetti, and now the cat's gone and polluted my drink. Can't get a refill without brewing more tea, and it'll be hot and melt all the ice, throwing off the dilution ratio. Grrrrr.....

Well, just one thing to do. Reach in the desk drawer and get a straw. All the cat germs should be floating on top. I'll just get my share of the tea from the bottom of the mug!!

OK, quit shrieking! I've seen you dog people let your mutt lick your face! This isn't nearly as bad! Well, I hope not, anyway. I better take one or two of these worming pills, just in case!