Booze Reviews - #10, #11, #12 & #13

Y'know, it just occurred to me it's been a while since I've done any Booze Reviews. So, for this inexcusable lack of consistency, and in spite of it being a Monday night, we'll tackle not one, not two, not three but FOUR little critters that followed me home the other night.

I was standing in line at the Licka Sto' on New Year's Eve, and the impulse buy shelf by the cash register performed its function admirably. There was a little white box with four 50ml bottles of rum inside for only $2.99. Now, I was on my way to a New Year's party where there would be plenty of alcohol, but you just never know when you might need a backup supply for that little push over the edge into true drunken stupidity.

Now, if I'd done my research before making the purchase, instead of before sampling these critters, I'd have thrown it back on the shelf immediately. See, these little bottles of rum were of the Beachcomber brand. Never heard of that one? Neither had I. I should have known trouble was ahead when the biggest selling point on the label was 'Made with IMPORTED rum!' Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Not too many rum distilleries left in the lower 48.

As it happens, these paragons of rummitude are mixed and marketed by Barton Brands of Chicago. The same fine folks who bring you this fine family of liquors:


Any warning alarms going off? There oughta be! This crew of gin peddlers also supply the world with Montezuma tequila, Canadian LTD whiskey (The #5 selling brand of American-bottled Canadian whiskey!) and a whole host of other 2nd-to-the-bottom-shelf brands of hooch. Their website is a paean to the wholesaler, with all kinds of information about pallet weights and profitability, but precious little regarding quality or taste.

So, now to the reviews. We have a selection of flavored rums, shown here:


All are 55 proof, which is why I have no qualms about doing 4 at one go. Let's take 'em in order...

Beachcomber Spiced Rum
Tastes like watered-down white rum that's been marinating in a box of Nilla wafers. There's a horrible soapy taste here that I can't identify. The overall experience of drinking this is like having someone take a swig of plain rum while sucking on a cinnamon candy, swish it around a bit, then spit it into your mouth. Ewwww. All things being equal, I'd prefer the Fleishmann's Brandy.

3 pulltabs and an Altoids to scour out my mouth.


Beachcomber Coconut Rum
The aroma is pure suntan oil. The taste is not disagreeable, but it's a little too sugary, and not enough coconut. Coco Ribe or Malibu coconut rums would kick this wimpy rum's ass and rub its nose in the sand. It's not bad, but whoever made this was following a recipe, not making a tasty beverage.

5 pulltabs. Might go well with a lemon-lime or fruit punch drink.


Beachcomber Pineapple Rum
There's a strong pineapple smell here, but it's layered with overtones of lemon and butterscotch, or, more properly, aldehyde & citral and diacetyl aromas. This rum likely never saw a real pineapple, but came instead straight out of a test tube. There's a repeat of that weird soapy taste, and a bitter aftertaste. Fortunately, there's enough sugar to mostly drown out the bad things. Mostly.

4 pulltabs. Stick with good rum and fresh pineapple.


Beachcomber Apple Rum
Barely detectable apple aroma. This does not bode well...

Oh, yuck. This is awful. It's like straining out the liquids from a long-forgotten cup of Dutch Apple yogurt, mixing in a packet of Sweet & Low, then letting it sit on a shelf for a few weeks before consuming. There's a bitter chemical aftertaste, and the overall effect is to put me off rums & apples for a very long time. Run away from this.

Two pulltabs and a pox on the ones that spawned this evil brew.


OK, I'm off to get a real drink. Remember, kiddies, a bargain that seems too good to be true will be the one that gets your stomach pumped at 3 a.m. Remember that!!

Oh, I'm SO gonna regret this in the morning...