Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

100 Things About Me

100 Things About Me

1. I can play guitar, but not real well. I haven't really played in over 8 years. The neck on my beloved old Silvertone archtop needs reattaching, and I keep running into repair shops who harp on the fact that the repair cost is 3 times the value of the guitar. How can you let someone with that attitude work on your axe? It's not about the dollar value, ya idjits!

2. I started to develop arthritis in college, but hopefully I have 15-20 years to go before my knuckles look like walnuts.

3. I would love to hunt Cape Buffalo with a handgun, grizzly bear with a bow & arrow, and wild boar with a pigsticker. If you're gonna hunt, then might as well let the animal have a shot at you, too.

4. I once drank 2/3 of a 1.75L bottle of whiskey on New Years, yacked it up outside, then went in and polished off the bottle before midnight. Second worst hangover ever.

5. I think Mozart's Overture to The Marriage Of Figaro is the sum total of all that is grand and wonderful about classical music, distilled down into 4 minutes of sheer perfection.

6. Despite my appreciation of fine art, antiques & musicals as well as having a military-grade internal Gaydar, I'm straight. Yes, I'm sure! Thanks for asking!

7. I would love to see U2 kick REM's ass at a truckstop. Bonus points for making Michael Stipe cry.

8. My friends have called me generous and caring, but I have the capability of being a severe asshole.

9. I don't actively practice any religion, but I do like the concept of karma.

10. Every evaluation from my entire scholastic & work career can be summed up in 3 words... Bright, Talented, Lazy.

11. I own every Louis L'amour book in print. Ditto for the novels of Clive Cussler, Bernard Cornwell, David Lindsey, Randy Wayne White, and I'm only lacking a few hard-to-find John D. MacDonalds!

12. I am completely mesmerized by precision craftsmanship. I can stare at the clockwork of a Breguet or Audemars Piguet for hours.

13. I probably consume my own volume in Diet Rite soda on a monthly basis. Ditto for iced tea. UPDATE: Coke Zero is moving into the #1 spot.

14. Any spider with a legspan larger than a dime absolutely creeps me out. Never try to hand me a tarantula, I will kill it immediately, then kill you.

15. I am an Eagle Scout. I would like to get back into Scouting, but am having issues with some of their current policies.

16. I'm generally law-abiding. That being said, if I could make off with a Federal Reserve truck full of used $100 bills without getting caught or killing anyone, I'd probably do it.

17. I can't listen to John Philip Sousa's 'Stars And Stripes Forever' without getting goosebumps.

18. My capacity for tasteless humor knows no bounds. See "asshole" statement above.

19. It would greatly amuse me to see formal dueling used to settle disputes once again. People would be a lot more polite if they risked getting a yard of steel through their brisket for mouthing off.

20. Right now is always a good time for a nap.

21. I am probably the world's worst swimmer. How I passed Lifesaving merit badge as a kid is a mystery.

22. I have an extremely wide range of interests, so much so that I never stick with one long enough to be great at it. I'm not quite a dilettante, but I personify the phrase "Jack of All Trades, Master of None".

23. I hate the climate in the sub-tropical swamp that is Houston. I'd rather freeze than sweat. Since I don't want to leave Texas, I guess I ought to move to Amarillo.

24. I have only been outside of the U.S. a few times, either in Canada or in Mexican border towns.

25. I'd like to own a trio of long-haired miniature dachshunds and a pair of Siamese cats. The dogs would be named Andouille, Kielbasa and Chorizo. The cats would be called Shiwan Khan and Yeng Ko.

26. I've started writing dozens of novels. Only two are worth completing, in my opinion.

27. If I sing around you, I'm either drunk, or truly comfortable in your presence.

28. On both the Stanford-Binet and the Wechsler, I missed "The Big G" by 4 points. This bothers me, though perhaps it shouldn't.

29. I'm not a fan of abortion as a method of birth control, but I do not believe that egg fertilization = human life. "If it were done when 't is done, then 't were well It were done quickly." Get it done early in the 1st trimester, or don't do it at all.

30. I've been hung up over various women many times, but the Love Bug has only seriously bitten twice.

31. I drive a Cadillac Fleetwood sedan, chocolate brown with tan leather interior. I call it the PimpSled. UPDATE:Caddy's gone... Now I drive a Ford F150 4x4 pickup.

32. I currently use a G4 flat panel iMac (the iLamp). I hope to upgrade to a G5 iMac this year. UPDATE: G5 acquired, but is on the fritz. Currently using a borrowed eMac.

33. I have a constant battle with entropy. My place can be perfectly clean, but it steadily devolves into squalor until guests are due to visit. The jungle is then hacked back and stuffed into closets, and the cycle repeats.

34. I would rather go to a museum than a ball game.

35. I have field-dressed a deer in less than 7 minutes. I was racing against a setting sun, and did not have a flashlight.

36. My younger sister and I were both adopted as infants.

37. I'm not a treehugger, but it would give me great pleasure to torpedo whaling ships and use a sledgehammer on people who club seal pups.

38. I own x pistols and x+1 rifles. Not nearly enough, and Hell No, I'm not stating the exact amount!

39. I think nothing tastes better than ice cold well water out of a metal dipper.

40. I've spent more money on books in the last decade than I have on vacations or dating women.

41. I spent months designing a wargame about the Waterloo battle, but never got past initial playtesting.

42. I have a real pottymouth at times. I probably let an F-bomb slip out in public more often than I realize.

43. I fully support legalization of marijuana. The health dangers have never been proven. The people with a vested interest in seeing it remain illegal (cops, politicians, the alcohol and paper trade) are doing the most to hold legalization back.

44. I'm down to one grandparent, and I fear Grandma Annabel has just about reached the end of her tether. ***UPDATE*** 2/21/05 - I'm now fresh out of grandparents.

45. My first computer bought with my own cash was an Atari 1040 ST in 1988.

46. "The Blues Brothers" and "Trading Places" are my all-time favorite comedy movies.

47. I love elaborate pranks, or those that send a message. Doing a great one without causing damage, injury or getting caught is one of my favorite things.

48. Call me cruel and heartless, but I think that $$$ used for developing for the long term outward expansion of the human race is infinitely better spent than using $$$ to stem the tide of impending Malthusian disaster.

49. I once played Capture The Flag on an empty cruise ship.

50. I used to get up at 6 am just to see Valerie Allain on the "French In Action" PBS language show. "Ah, Mireille, mon choux! Voulez vouz coucher avec moi ce soir?" See, I learned a lot!

51. I like sushi, but I can't bring myself to eat the big red salmon eggs.

52. I sometimes wish I had stuck with metalworking instead of going back to college. I bet I would have made a hell of a machinist. I miss making intricate things with my hands.

53. My personal library has over 3000 books. Unfortunately, most reside in boxes instead of shelves.

54. I like thin crust pizza with sausage, mushrooms and onions.

55. My house is a mess, but my weapons are spotless. At least I have my priorities straight.

56. I believe creating art without skilled technique is akin to cooking while blindfolded and without a recipe. Sure, you'll get lucky once in a while, but most of what you produce will be useless crap.

57. I think I would have been better off in life if I had joined one of the Armed Services right out of high school.

58. I'm partial to Maker's Mark bourbon, Glenmorangie scotch, Barbancourt rum, Gordon's gin and Centenario tequila. I appreciate beer & wine, and have consumed a lot of each, but liquor is my tipple of choice.

59. I'd love to live on a boat, but my indifference to regular maintenance would sink me pretty quick.

60. Given 2000 acres, I'd raise buffalo, longhorn cattle, goats, and a shitload of marijuana.

61. I'm tired of the PC vs. Mac argument. Use the platform you prefer, and shut up about it.

62. I was contacted by my biological brother through the adoption agency 10 years ago, but chose not to respond. I have a family already.

63. Something I was involved in was a factor in having a University President resign. I'll look into the statute of limitations, and blog about it later if I'm in the clear.

64. I have had numerous run-ins with Johnny Law, yet have managed to avoid the shiny silver bracelets each time.

65. The idea of involuntary indoctrination of children bothers me so much, I question the wisdom of ever becoming a parent.

66. I have learned that is possible to have sex on a motor scooter.

67. I don't get in touch with my friends as often as I should.

68. I'd like to distill, bottle and market a Texas whiskey. That stuff ought to sell like crazy overseas.

69. I have no moral objections to cloning or gene modifications. I see humanity more in biological terms than in spiritual terms. Grow me some gills, & I'll gladly be Homo Aquaticus.

70. Briefs. I go commando every so often just to give the boys a day out, though.

71. My first car was a hand-me-down. Dad gave me the old Family Truckster, a 1977 Dodge Aspen station wagon, along with a Chilton manual and a set of tools. It lasted 4 years before the engine blew.

72. I cannot stand ice cream with bits or chunks of stuff in it. Putting almonds or other nuts in ice cream should be punishable by death. Just plain ol' ice cream, please.

73. I have no real objection to gay marriage, but I think it would be accepted quicker if they pushed for "civil unions" instead of wanting the fairytale wedding. No pun intended.

74. I have blue eyes, and they're probably my best feature. I have people stop me in public to compliment me on them, which weirds me out more than a little.

75. In spite of the above statement, if they ever develop practical mirrorshade contact lenses, I'll be first in line to buy 'em.

76. I haven't had a hot cup of coffee since 1996. I was cutting back on caffeine, and I never saw the point of drinking unleaded coffee. UPDATE: Broke my fast. Had a cup at a meeting where I caught a tickle in my throat and couldn't stop coughing. It was the only liquid available...

77. I have never set foot in a Hooter's. If you must ogle women, go to a strip club and pay for the privilege, not a low-rent, soft-core chicken-wing shack.

78. My favorite chain restaurant is Texas Land & Cattle Steakhouse. UPDATE: Carino's Italian is gaining ground quickly due to their awesome wedge salad.

79. I have this persistent yet firmly repressed desire to pierce my cat's ears and put in little gold earrings. She'd look so great! I'd probably do it if she wouldn't tear them out while scratching with her back feet. Hey, no whining! People do this to babies all the time!

80. Yes, the above obsession came from reading C.J. Cherryh's 'Pride of Chanur' series...

81. "Casablanca" is my favorite movie, but the Lord Of The Rings trilogy is a very close second.

82. If I still smoked cigarettes, I'd be smoking Camel Filters, and lighting them with my brass Zippo. (Not to be confused with the Grey-Plumed Parrotheaded Zippo)

83. I can throw a tomahawk well enough to split playing cards at 10 paces. Once I get warmed up and in the groove, I rarely miss.

84. I've had my head hair gradually disappearing starting back in my early 20's. I just can't bring myself to go the chrome-dome route, but you won't catch me in a combover, either.

85. My eyesight used to be extraordinary, but the years are taking their toll. This bugs me worse than losing my hair.

86. I'll keep my opinions about your religion to myself unless you try and proselytize. Then, the gloves come off and you will not be happy with me.

87. I have two tattoos I love, and one that I probably shouldn't have gotten.

88. I've eaten fried grasshoppers. They do not taste like chicken.

89. I switched majors 7 times in college, and eventually got a BA in Advertising and a 2nd BA in Sociology. I use neither in my current occupation.

90. I would like to beat the record for driving through all 48 contiguous states. I would use a bus or motor home towing a diesel-tank trailer, and never stop except for red lights. And not many of those!

91. I wish I could draw and paint with some degree of skill.

92. My favorite sculptor is Jean-Antoine Houdon, my favorite painter is Claude Monet. My 2nd favorite painter is Earl Scheib.

93. I think RC Cola tastes better than Coke or Pepsi. Dr Pepper beats all three.

94. My guitar wants to kill yo' mama! (Sorry, running out of steam here...)

95. I'm pretty good at tying cherry stems into a knot using only my tongue.

96. I learned that the signal cannon at one of my old summer camps has a bore exactly the size of C-cell batteries, and a filmcan-sized charge of powder will send a battery halfway across the lake. Do not ask me how I discovered this.

97. I haven't missed an Indy 500 since 1985. One of these years, I'll manage to go see it live.

98. I have visited Hippy Hollow and gone skinnydipping.

99. My favorite color used to be blue, but over the years, I came to prefer dark green.

100. My perfect Xmas list would be: A wad of cash large enough to pay for a custom-designed 10,000 sq. ft. house on 5000 acres of land; a mint condition Lamborghini Espada with Monica Bellucci in the passenger seat; A C-130 and free air-tanker privileges worldwide; a new M14 and a new Thompson SMG with a gunnysack full of 50-round drum mags, A new G5 Mac with the 30" Cinema Display, and maybe world peace.

Nah, screw world peace, I wanna try out the tommygun!