Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Creeping Curmudgeonhood

Saturday Afternoon Gripes

I'm beginning to understand the mechanics of being a grumpy old man...

I've been temperamentally inclined to such an outcome, probably since youth, but I fear I'm on a one-way trip to CurmudgeonVille.

See, it's never just one thing, one horrible injustice that burns in your psyche like a white-hot ember.  No, it's a multitude of little pinpricks, tiny sparks that fester just beneath the surface.

If there's one word that defines much of my attitude, it's this:

Annoyance.

I fear I'm too jaded to get the quick flash of anger I would have 20 years ago.  Now, it's just the slow burn of being BBQ'ed over an endless bed of smoking bullshit.

I yearn to push back against what seems an inevitable tide of crap.  Back in college, I'd round up a few like-minded pals, and we'd go perpetrate a truly pointless and tasteless prank aimed at pantsing the object of our scorn.

I've got too much to lose these days.  Run-ins with Johnny Law aren't the adventure they used to be.  I'm no longer able to take a running dive into the bed of an accelerating pickup to flee the scene of an official's yard newly-decorated with an 8 foot tall chicken wire & papier mâché penis.

Neither am I able to afford minions to do my bidding.  *Sigh*  It's a sad state of affairs...

Fortunately, I have bourbon & cigars, the anodyne to old man's annoyance.  And look!  It's just about 5 pm!

Cheers, y'all!


Monday, August 08, 2016

The Lights Are Still *ON*

Glowing Dim, But Still Lit!

I know, I know.  No content lately.

Here's some funnies to tide you over:

No lie about the mean geese!  Spent some time up in Ontario on business.  Damn things were as pesky & numerous as big city pigeons...



You know why cannibals don't eat older divorced women?

Too bitter...



True...



Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Sandwiches In Poor Taste

Mmmm!  Beef Curtain Sammiches!!

One more ill-advised post that will extend my time in Purgatory...

Some devout mom posted this gem on Twitter:



I couldn't resist thinking about other celebrity sandwiches.

You can find these at Café Kardashian:


Thursday, July 07, 2016

Behind Door #2

Where's Monty Hall When You Need Him?

On an earlier post, I was whinging about the need for a new vehicle.

These were my options:

#1 - Finance a 2-4 year old low mileage vehicle, and live on tapwater and pinto beans for 48-60 months.  In the dark, with no A/C except on the "Free Weekends" plan.

#2 - Buy a 5-9 year old vehicle with 50-100K miles on it, pay 1/2 down, finance the rest, and have a 36-48 month payment that is annoying, but livable.

#3 - Pay cash for a beater, drive it until it explodes.  Rinse, repeat.


The final decision got made last week, Option #2 was the winner.

The new ride?

2007 Ford Freestar minivan.  V-6 engine, 54,000 miles, freezer-grade A/C, and so immaculate you could eat off the engine block.

Not the sexy ride I was hoping for, but it'll do.





Thursday, June 16, 2016

Just Keeping The Lights On

This Ice Cream Tastes Like Ass, But It's Free!

A CLUCKBUCKET ORANGE

There was me, that is Harlan, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, and we sat in the KFC trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening.

The KFC sold Chicken-plus, chicken plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were noshing.

This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence...

Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Seduced By The Hun

Today, Your Driveway!  Tomorrow, The World!!

Man, I forgot how much I hate car shopping...

It's better than it used to be.  Back in the day, you had three tiny lines in the Classified ads that you had to decipher to figure out if it was worth your time to go look at the car.

Now, just about everything's online, which has its own set of issues.

See, you can look at all kinds of vehicles, including those you have no business even considering.

I speak of Ze Churmans and their over-engineered autos.

Ordinarily, I would never waste my time even considering a Merc, Beemer or Audi.  But when it's just a mouse click away, what'll it hurt to take a peek?

I know better.  I've been there, albeit on the lower end of the Krautwagen spectrum.

I owned a VW GTi back in the 90's.  Great car, fun to drive.  When it *did* drive.  It was exceedingly fond of puking up odd bits of its own engine, and costing me an insane amount of cash to get it repaired.

Alternators that would cost $30-40 on a Ford/Chevy/Dodge cost upwards of $400.  $240 for a set of spark plug wires, as opposed to $20.  Even the damn power window switches, which burnt out every 6 months, cost $110 a pop.

That was on a VeeDub, the Hyundai of the Wurst-snapper breed of cars.  Multiply that times 2-3 for replacement parts for a Benz, BMW or Audi.

So, why do I keep looking at Mercedes S-class rides????

I KNOW BETTER, DAMMIT!!!

But they're so... plush.  Roomy.  There's fans in the leather seats that blow cool air up over your balls...

God, I've got to snap out it.  I must not be seduced by the Hun!!

Friday, June 03, 2016

Decisions, Decisions...

Car Buying - A Pain Level Somewhere Between Root Canal & Gangrenous Hemorrhoids.

Well, this is a pickle...

I've really got to get a new ride, and it's been so long since I've been car shopping, I'm in a state of extreme perplexitudinous despair.

The Big Red Ford is now old enough to legally vote.  In addition to the ongoing and chronic failure of the coil-on-plug abominations that have me running on 6 or 7 cylinders, the turn signals and hazards haven't worked in 5 years, the radio hasn't worked in 6 years, and the complete heating-A/C system gave up the ghost last fall.

Gas mileage has dropped from a barely acceptable 14 MPG to less than 10, largely due to the wasted gas passing through the non-firing cylinders.

Add to that the 210,000 mile tally on the odometer, and it's past time to put the BRF out to pasture.

"Well, Cap, just buy a new car!!"

Nossofast, Sparky.   I'm still adding up medical bills from the 5 week hospital/rehab facility stay.  There's also the house flood issue, which has paid out a smidgen of the insurance claim, but not enough to get back to 100%.

I'm still in the 1st year of the new house and the joys of mortgage payments, so my income's already strained.  Not painfully so, but I do need to avoid frivolities.

I'm fresh out of old relatives needing to dump a low-mileage car for pennies on the dollar, and the Texas Lotto jackpot remains annoyingly elusive.

So, here we are, with three options that I can see.

#1 - Finance a 2-4 year old low mileage vehicle, and live on tapwater and pinto beans for 48-60 months.  In the dark, with no A/C except on the "Free Weekends" plan.

#2 - Buy a 5-9 year old vehicle with 50-100K miles on it, pay 1/2 down, finance the rest, and have a 36-48 month payment that is annoying, but livable.

#3 - Pay cash for a beater, drive it until it explodes.  Rinse, repeat.

What say you, denizens of the Intertubes??