Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Creepy Fish Dance!

This Fish Might Just Be A Bit TOO Fresh!

OK, this is vaguely unsettling...

Here's some fresh dogfish, skinned, gutted and beheaded, yet still flopping about and weirding out the lady trying to cook them.

Some folks might say that it's a reaction between the salt, lemon juice and aluminum foil that caused a galvanic reaction with the fish nerves & muscles.

I, however, know the truth. They're ZOMBIE FISH!!!!

And knowing how much he loooves zombies, I absolutely *must* bring some to Eric's next time I visit!!

Via Boing Boing

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Fantastic Foods?

I Blame The Salads For My Hallucinations...

Ya know, you spend too long on a diet, and you start to dream of the weirdest stuff!

I don't care how thin you slice it, Spam does NOT make good sushi!!

I may have to try this one day. And here I thought those sausage/pancake thingamabobs on a stick were a good idea!

(As usual, click the pics for embiggification!)

Monday, June 28, 2010

How Do You Get Grape Jelly Out Of Cat Fur?

Lessons Learned From A Week Of Kids

After a week spent at Casa Capitan, my niece & nephew have been bundled off back to their home, and I'm slowly backing away from the Cliffs of Insanity.

Those of you who are parents will already know most of these tidbits, but I thought I'd share them anyway.

1) You would probably get less drama & tears applying a belt-sander to the skin of a 3 year old girl than you would a splash of hydrogen peroxide and a band-aid.

2) Every bump & fall, no matter how slight, will result in a torrent of tears, piercing shrieks and immediate skeletal collapse until the child in question is picked up, at which point the skeleton magically reappears, and every limb starts windmilling at a high rate of speed until it impacts somewhere on your body. Usually your nose or crotch...

3) Children can live for 3 days on 2 chicken nuggets, half a tube of Go-gurt, and a sandwich baggie of dry Cheerios.

4) Unbreakable patio furniture isn't.

5) Car windows must have tiny hand & noseprints on every square inch of inside & outside. Windows and seat fabric within reach of the car seat will have ground-in Cheerios and smeared goo of some kind.

6) There's a reason cats are skittish and like to hide under furniture. Small children are that reason.

7) You can't get past the 3rd page of "Green Eggs & Ham" without one or both children getting distracted and running off.

8) OTOH, badly-drawn animation and dimwitted kiddie shows on Disney & Nickelodeon will hold them captivated for hours.

9) It is impossible to put a child in bed without first making 3 trips to the potty, 2 drinks of water, and then locating a missing "blankie", whose importance is likened to the Shroud of Turin, even though the child left it wadded up behind the piano.

10) Little kids are absolutely adorable, and they grow up way too fast...

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Inside The Humidor

I Need A Better Cuban Connection...

The homebuilt humidor is working out well. I spent a few days getting it seasoned properly, then moved in my stash of sticks and a gel humidifier.

The aroma is wonderful, a faint tang of cedar, paired with a rich aged tobacco overlay. Gadzooks, it makes me want to haul out one of my remaining Montecristos and fire it up...

(Click pic for tasty closeup!)

Humidor construction pics here.

Friday, June 25, 2010

More Office Hijinks

Some Days, I Actually Get Real Work Done!

One of my co-workers posted the following sign in the breakroom:

I had no idea what the mug looked like, or what had happened to it, but I just couldn't resist f#(%ing with him...

(Click Pic To Embiggify)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

If You Have To Ask, You Can't Afford It!

No Blue Light Specials For The Holy Grail...

This bit of history caught my eye this afternoon:

(Click pic for full size)

It's a Colt Texas Paterson with the ├╝ber-rare 9" barrel. There were 1000 or so of the Texas Patersons produced by Colt, many sold to the Republic of Texas and carried by the early Rangers.

What caught my eye was the "Price Upon Request" notation. This is a seriously high-dollar revolver. By comparison, a 4" barreled Texas Paterson is being sold at Collector's Firearms for the bargain price of $139,500. Plus tax. (Another $11508.75)

Half a mil? Maybe. Probably somewhere between $250k & $350k, though.

I will NOT be going in this weekend to put it on layaway, in case you're wondering...

UPDATE: I went by Collector's today to check out a rifle, and inquired about the Texas Paterson. They had it listed with a ticket price of $289,000, but sold it for $200,000 cash.

Proxima Canis Mortuus Est!

Sic Transit Gloria Muttface

My neigbors planted Muttface in their front yard this afternoon...

Muttface was Susie's dog, and a more homely pit/boxer mongrel has never existed. I'm sure that Susie is inconsolable tonight. Susie is my neighbor's daughter, who's a person with Down's Syndrome. She was a happy child, but her personality has darkened over the years. As she's watched her siblings grow up and move out, it seems that she's less & less content with her life at home. Unfortunately, she's just not at a level where she can function on her own, and even a group home would likely be a struggle for her.

Muttface & Susie were a common sight walking up and down the street and around the cul-de-sac. On days where Susie was feeling under the weather, Muttface roamed around on her own, and even when she annoyed me by frequently crapping in my yard, she rarely failed to run over and joyfully slobber on me whenever I pulled in the driveway and got out of my truck. I enjoyed rubbing her volleyball-sized head and telling her what a perfectly ugly dog she was. Despite her pit bull ancestry, I've rarely met a more mild-mannered dog. She was as sweet as she was homely.

I didn't think Muttface was that old or in bad health, but sometimes these things just happen. I won't miss the piles of puppy poo, but I'll miss Muttface.

Who knows? Maybe a dogwood will sprout over her grave!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Unnecessary Encouragement

Project LOLA: The Continuing Saga...

I didn't really want this sort of reminder of why I'm on this quest to reduce my waistline, but drama appears in your life when you least expect it.

They just carted one of my co-workers out of the building in the ambulance. No one's quite sure of the reason, but they're saying the symptoms were consistent with a stroke.

I really hope it's not life-threatening. "Vivian", as I'll call her, has had some ongoing health issues, but she's only 45, with a teenage son set to graduate high school next year.

Vivian would be considered morbidly obese, probably close to 300 lbs. She's got that odd body configuration that you hardly ever see in men, but every so often in obese women where the bulk of the weight is carried in the torso and gut, and the arms and legs are relatively normal. She's one of my lunch buddies, so I know she's been fighting high blood pressure and borderline diabetes like I am, but where I somehow found the gumption to put down the fried foods and sweets, Vivian stayed with her usual Cajun/Creole diet.

I'm really worried for her. She was one of the few people in the office I was sharing details about LOLA with, and I had hopes she was going to give it a try once her kid went to college and she didn't have to cook buckets of food to keep him fed.

I know there's a few folks out there who have said that what I'm doing with Project LOLA is inspiring. Let me share this with you, in case you're needing a shove to get you moving in the right direction...

There was a point last summer, right before I began dancing with LOLA, that I had serious doubts about whether or not there was much of a future left ahead for me. I had to make a decision about whether or not the quality of my life was good enough to try to turn things around. Did I have the gumption to fight the flab, or was I just going to roll over and keep slowly digging my grave with a spoon & fork? After all, why put yourself through months & years of deprivation and misery if you've gone past the Point Of No Return?

Just this morning I tested my blood sugar, and got a 93. When my doctor first flagged me with the possibility of diabetes, my blood was testing over 130, and has slowly been dropping. This was the first time I've tested under 100 since I started using the blood glucose monitor 3 years ago. (Normal for most folks is 70-100).

My sister & her kids bought me a nice shirt at Cabela's last week. It's a 5XL, and hangs off me like a tent. When I started Project LOLA last September, I was in a 6XL, and it was getting snug around the waist. My belts are at their tightest notch, and Dad commented over the weekend that my pants were so baggy in the back, I either needed to get smaller ones, or at least iron a nice crease in the new pleats on my backside!

To borrow a phrase from the Christian faith, you're never past the point of salvation. You can always turn it around. I may or may not reach my goal weight, but my quality of life is improving, and I feel better about myself knowing I haven't given up the fight.

And I sure as hell don't want a stroke in 3 years when I turn 45...

Monday, June 21, 2010

Fish Fondling? Eww...

I Think This Is Illegal In Most States.

Ya know, I've done a lot of morally questionable things in my lifetime.

I've never, ever contemplated jerking off a fish, though!

(Click pic to embiggenate, not that you'd want to...)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

A Day Which Will Live In Infamy...

Another Scofflaw Off The Books

After 3+ years of dodging cops (and getting ticketed twice and 3 warnings) my ride is finally legal.

There was a electrical problem affecting my hazards & turn signals. You'd replace the relay, and within 30 minutes, you'd turn on the flasher, hear a 'TICK TICK TICK BBBBZZZZT!!' and that would be all she wrote.

After having half a dozen $80 relays fritz out, I had the steering column and all the clickety things housed within replaced with a "preowned" column. This also fixed the blown-out bearing in the column that caused the steering wheel to wobble, and the possibility of having the steering wheel remove itself from the column while in motion has been corrected.

I'm completely destitute for another 2 weeks, but the truck has its proper pedigree, at least until the registration comes due in November.

I might get around to paying it sometime next summer...

Friday, June 18, 2010

Shhh! It's A Secret!!

Suburban Swinging: The Real Story

My niece & nephew Gracie & Sammy are coming for a visit next week.

There's a surprise waiting for them in the back yard!

I hope no one falls off & bonks their head. I did that more than once when I was their age...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Kids Today...

They Don't Make Delinquents Like They Used To.

My neighbor across the street got his house wrapped. No doubt the culprits were a bunch of horny high school admirers of his teenage daughter, or perhaps a giggle of bitchy little teen girls who don't like her.

Either way, they're rank amateurs. Not the first clue as to how to properly wrap a house. Looks like they used a 4-pack at most. Bah... That's what I'd use on just the shrubbery.

We'd roll in (no pun intended) in 3-4 cars, each person armed with an 8-pack of quality TP. The cheap stuff just doesn't do the job. The cars would coast to a stop, everyone would hop out and commence to flinging rolls. The strongest arms would boost 'em high up into the trees, and repeat until there wasn't a speck of green visible.

No laughing, no noise, just throw, throw, throw until you were out of paper. Usually the girls would go after the cars with white shoe polish on the windows while the guys were wrapping. 5 minutes, tops, and the place looked like ass-paper spiders had cocooned the joint...

Hmmmph. What do they teach kids in schools these days??

I weep for the future...

Dieting Made Easy

Who Puts This Crap In Their Mouth??

It's easy to lose your appetite. Just take a whiff of this stuff.

Eat it? Not just no... HELL, NO!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Random Monica Moment

Cheesecake? More Like Tiramisu!

Haven't posted a pic of Monica Bellucci in a while, so here ya go.

Not quite sure what she's covered with. Espresso grounds, maybe?

Anybody got a garden hose I can use for just a second?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

No Free Rides, Monkey!

Project LOLA: The Continuing Saga

I probably shouldn't still be awake and farting around on the computer as the clock nears 1 AM, but it's either this, or I'd be poking my nose in the fridge for a snack, or outside burning a cigar.

I've had three cigars in the past 4 days, topping my usual one per week by a significant factor. Right now I want another one.

Better that than a cheeseburger, nicht wahr?

Ummm... maybe not.

I used to get this feeling way back when I was smoking cigarettes. I remember the urge quite well. You'd get that itchy antsy-in-the-pantsiness that would only be relieved when you went outside and kickstarted a Camel Filter. Old addictions die hard, and I still get the infrequent urges to smoke a cigarette, even though the last pack I bought was in 1995.

I'd hate to be trading one addiction for another. It's a food addiction that led to Project LOLA, to be sure. It's debatable as to whether the actual addiction mechanism is to the pleasure received by stuffing my piehole, or some biochemical reaction in how my body reacts to food, or even some dark insidious psychosexual jerkoff by my lizard brainstem. Whatever the cause, I'm wired in such a way that the long-term effects are given short shrift in favor of short-term gratification.

Swapping food for tobacco seems just a different path on the road to ruin. All things in moderation, as they say, and right now, I'm teetering on the edge. The cigar on Poker Night last Friday? All well & good. Another the following evening? Not the wisest course, but preferable to a plate of Fettucini Alfredo.

Yet another cigar this afternoon? Understandable in light of the need to decompress after receiving the whopping truck repair bill, but now the nicotine level in my blood has reached the TSR level, and it's calling for more.

Gotdam monkey wants to climb on my back and go for another ride. I might need some monkey repellent. I hope they have a sugar-free version...

Monday, June 14, 2010


Here We Go Again...

Truck's in the shop again. Naturally, this occurs just after the checks have gone out for rent, insurance, prescription drug refills and gas card payment, and before this Friday's paycheck.

Looks like I'll be getting reacquainted with riding METRO...

UPDATE: D'OH!!!! Looking at just shy of $1200 to get everything back in order. Major ball o' suckage, but this'll fix the intermittent electrical eff-ups that have been burning out the turn signal relays and keeping me from having the truck pass inspection. Oh, it should be done by tomorrow afternoon, they're also doing the TX State inspection (which it hasn't had since 2006) and also let me pay 2/3 of the bill on Friday when I get paid.

So, obligatory plug - Take your car to Scott's Auto Repair! This is the same crew that got me in & out in a flash last fall when the truck gimped itself on the freeway entrance ramp as I was leaving for the Hysterics at Eric's.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Bearded Clam Surprise?

Can I Get Some Of Those To Go??

I went out for Chinese food with Zibig & the Cisco Kid today. I happily gorged on sushi, which is not Chinese, but I'm not too picky on authenticity.

The Cisco Kid tried the steamed mussels, and when he pried out the meat, we just weren't expecting the following surprise:

(Click pic for complete juicy closeup)

Despite the sudden flurry of double entendres, no one at the table attempted to lasciviously lick the mollusk...

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Cigars & Skeeters

Bloodsucking Bastard Insects!

Another fine Texan evening. Good cigar, balmy breeze, bunches of bats flitting about & scooping up insects in the fading light. It was marred only by a cloud of mosquitoes that attacked just after the sun set.

Talked with my friends Zibig & Rockhauler on the phone while burning the stogie, which was a blessing. One of my dotty neighbors was regaling me with tales of Branson, Missouri, and due to her being deaf as a post, it was mostly a one-way conversation. Fortunately, the phone call sent her scurrying home, and I could continue puffing my cigar without blowing smoke in her direction.

I can heartily recommend Kinky Friedman's brand of cigars. So far I've tried the KinkyCristo, the Texas Jewboy and the Big Richard. I've got the Utopian and the Willie in my humidor, but I've yet to find the Governor or the Kinkster in the local shops. For fans of a long, skinny Lonsdale-type cigar, they also have one called the Kinky Lady, but I prefer my cigars in the 50-54 ring gauge range.

So far the Big Richard is the best of the bunch. I burned one last night on Poker Night up at the Cisco Kid's house, and was quite impressed with the easy draw & solid construction. I doubt I'll smoke the Big Richard very often. It's a bit pricy to be a frequent choice.

Drop me a line if you have trouble finding the Kinkster's stogies in your neck of the woods. We can work something out, and there's mail order as well.

Friday, June 11, 2010

A Texas Coyote Popper? Sweet!!

The Roadrunner Has A Pair On Order Already!

Y'all might remember that Texas Governor Rick Perry recently perforated a coyote that showed too much interest in his daughter's puppy.

You can now get your own version of Governor Goodhair's coyote gun. Ruger is offering a special edition of the .380 LCP to commemorate Perry's prowess.

No laser sight, but real Texans don't need 'em...

Probably Not A Good Idea

"Professionalism? What's That??"

I was tempted to slip this into the employee training manual, but considering the high number of people who've had their sense of humor surgically removed after being employed by The Man, it's best not to...

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Is This Really Necessary?

Ah, This Modern Age...

OK, this a cockring with an integral accelerometer. It measures your total... ummm... insertions.

One assumes it has an alarm or other means of notifying you if you start boinking so hard & fast that you come close to throwing your back out...

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

RIP Gary Coleman

I Am *So* Going To Hell For This...

Gary's family spared no expense when it came to Gary's memorial service, including having his name engraved on his casket!

Monday, June 07, 2010

WTF Is That???

That Just Ain't Right!

Walking from the Municipal Courts back towards downtown, I passed this thing lying on the sidewalk. I had to pull out the camera and document the find.

Your guess is as good as mine...

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Around The Neighborhood

Might Want To Rethink That Slogan!

There's this truck parked in the business park just outside my subdivision. I see it most afternoons while driving home from work.

Seems to me there's a real problem with their advertising strategy.

After all, if you're making memories with tequila?

You're doing it wrong...

Friday, June 04, 2010

Random Tidbits

Alas, Still Lacking Inspiration For Photoshop Tomphooleries.

Busy Friday for me, so here's a few choice chunks to chew on...

If your back has cleavage, your dress might be too tight.

No matter how thin you slice 'em, they're still Democrats.

You'd think these would be more popular.

If you must have just a single hamburger, practice moderation...

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Advertising FAIL

Explain That Bit About European Nuance Again...

I pulled up behind a truck at a stoplight on the way to work this morning, and was treated to an 8' x 10' logo painted on the back.

Looked like this:

OK, I know the Manneken Pis is a famous statue in Brussells. Still, there's a few things I'd rather not associate with beer consumption, and urine is right at the top of the list!

I could understand if the beer in question was a porter or a stout, but to use piss in relation to a wheat beer? The contents of that glass are almost identical to the last specimen I dropped off at the lab, including the foamy head!

Not quite so cloudy, though. That would indicate excessive protein levels, or a humdinger of an infection...

Tuesday, June 01, 2010


Please, Sir! May I Have Another??

I should have taken pictures, just to preserve the blessed experience...

I ate my first cheeseburger in almost 9 months over the weekend.

It was... Glorious...

A college buddy threw a pool party at her place, and her husband fired up the grill for dinner.

No, cheeseburgers aren't really on my meal plan, but when in Rome, eat romaine, or whatever's being served.

I can still taste the thing... Thick Angus patty served right off the grill onto a fresh Mrs. Baird's jumbo bun, with mustard, onions, pickles, ripe 'maters and a gooey slice of melted cheddar.

I relished every single bite, even though I was being given the Eyes of Pleading from their dogs. Usually I'm a soft touch, but this time the mutts didn't get a morsel. It was all mine!

It took a major act of will not to eat a second one, and I'm glad I didn't. It would have just cheapened the memory of that first heavenly mouthful...