Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

New Phone Arrived!

Fun & Games On The 3G Network

Amazon got the phone here two days earlier than I expected.

I haven't psyched myself up for this yet.

It's still charging the battery, so I haven't played with it yet.

I feel like I'm staring at a coiled rattler sitting here on my desk...

When did technology get so far ahead of me??

Monday, January 30, 2012

Legal Suppressor Hunting in TX?

Didn't Expect To See That!

In an astonishingly objective article in the Houston Barnacle, the use of sound suppressors aka 'silencers' is discussed in a rational, non-PSH manner.

Of course, it must be said that the Hunting/Outdoor staff of the Barnacle's sportswriters have long offset the pinkos, pantywaists and poseurs of the Features and Op/Ed sections. I'm just surprised it got past the editors and appeared prominently on the website, as opposed to being buried on the last page of the Sports section in print.

Naturally, the comments section is full of Nervous Nellies and non-hunting ignorami, but you can't have everything...

Friday, January 27, 2012

I Can Haz Smartphone??

This Won't End Well...


Against my better judgement, I have finally upgraded my cellphone.

I've never really liked the things, though I will admit they come in handy in emergencies. That's why I was arm-twisted into getting one by my mother 8 years ago. In truth, it was her old Kyocera. She upgraded, and I starting carrying the thing around full time. (Aside from the umpteen thousand times I left it in the truck, thereby missing calls from many of you. Lo siento, compadres...)

Virgin Mobile has been steadily shutting down the services to the old phones, and this one was getting a bit wonky around the edges. Several keys needed repeated pressings to work and the display had dimmed to the point that even the brightest setting was looking dingy.

I'm deathly allergic (in the financial sense, anyway) to the 2 & 3 year contracts, and the $20 every 90 days VM charged made sense to someone who used his phone mostly for the occasional obscene text to friends during long boring meetings, and the annual call to AAA to come tow the truck into the shop.

All those $20 bills added up, though. I've got over $200 just sitting in the pay-as-you-go account, and it might as well feed a new phone.

So, $150 for this thing, and I'll spend $35 a month for unlimited text/data and have 200 minutes of talk time. I expect I'll end each month with about 189 minutes of talk time, so they'll come out ahead...

So, there it is. I'm now going to finally see what this Angry Birds thing is all about.

Wish me luck...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Resistance Is Futile!

More Tales From The Man's Domain

You Will Become One With The Bureaucratic Collective!

Ah, but the assimilation process is long and insidious...

I've been working for The Man for about 7.5 years now. It's the longest I've been with any single employer.

Up to this point, I've avoided drinking the Kool-Ade and joining the ranks of the proles, drones, Gammas, jobsworths, or whatever you choose to call the typical bureaucratic wage-slave.

I can see my resolve fraying around the edges, though. Case in point: I was informed that my phone was malfunctioning, and you couldn't leave messages. If I'm there to pick up the call, (and you'd be surprised how few of The Man's employees bother to catch a ringing phone) all is well & good.

I thought I was just having a slow week. I did report the issue. It just took me a couple of days to get around to it...

There's a function next week that I've been asked to attend. My presence isn't necessary, but it could be useful. I've got a conflicting appointment, a scheduled appointment with the doctor. Five years ago, I'd have already rescheduled the visit to the doc shop to free up my schedule. The 2012 version of me? Emailed my regrets and I'll be seeing the doc as planned.

So, it's not like I'm actively f#%&ing off, but I'm not giving it the same level of diligence that I did a few years back.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just getting older, is all...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Cats & Babies

And Perhaps A Boxer Dog!

Something a bit different. Mostly 'cause I miss my kitties...

Can't blame the cats for their choice of sleeping locations. Most of the time the pink squishy things are quiet, plus they're warm and smell like milk!

Monday, January 23, 2012

First Geese, Now Goats...

"Ghosts? I Thought You Said *Goats*!"

Wanna know what a baby goat sounds like when it's hungry at 3 AM?

OK, go find a dog's squeaky toy. Get one that's REALLY annoying.

Hook up the squeaky toy to a microphone, and pipe it through an amplifier. Set the speaker output right outside your bedroom window.

Stomp on that squeaky toy at random intervals. Double the squeak rate whenever the neighbor is visible to the goat, and it thinks the bottle of milk is forthcoming.

Repeat, ad nauseum et ad aeternam, all weekend long.

I managed to have a civil conversation with the neighbor this morning before work. He swears the daughter will have the goat relocated to the FFA barn ASAP.

On the plus side, I haven't heard their goose squonk in a while. Perhaps they ate him already...

Friday, January 20, 2012

Firelock Friday

I Need A Less Expensive Hobby!

Oh, the endless parade of tempting goodies from the gun retailers...

I'm telling ya, it's like being a kid in a candy store every single day. Always something new to tempt the eye and shred the wallet!!

Latest obsession: The blunderbuss!!

Offered by one of the online sporting goods retailers, for $300 you too can have your very own percussion blunderbuss!

Of course, you'd have to assemble it and finish the stock. Also, it's woefully inaccurate beyond arm's reach.

Still, it's the thought that counts!

I got to thinking about what you could stuff it with. A fistful of lead shot is the traditional load, but coach guards back in the day used whatever was handy, including pottery shards, old horseshoe nails and handfuls of pebbles tamped down with an old rag.

I'd like to go with the stack of dimes, but the bore on this thing is only .58 caliber. That kind of limits you.

Then, inspiration hit like a tiny little arrow!

Flechettes! I bet you could wrap a dozen of these with a bit of Scotch tape and slip it right down the barrel on top of a cork wad!

Hmmm... I've got an IRS refund due pretty soon. This requires some consideration!!

UPDATE: If you want one, they can be found at Sportsman's Guide!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Ninja Poodles?

We Will *Not* Teach Them How To Fly!

I've been kicking around the idea of acquiring a dog or two. As much as I groove on the kitties, and loved Betsy Cat & Pookie Cat, I do like dogs, and haven't owned one for 20 years or so.

Nothing's decided yet. I still have a lot of decisions to make regarding age, breed, source, and so forth. I'm also trying to get my head around owning a breed that I've never really considered an "El Capitan-compliant" pooch.

For the longest time, I've just assumed I'd end up getting a couple of dachshunds or maybe a brace of Scotty dogs. Something small & feisty, anyway.

Lately, though, I've been considering some larger breeds. German Shepherds are kinda cool, as are Border Collies & big goofy Labs.

There is one idea that keeps percolating, though.

I sort of want a poodle.

Now, I know what you're thinking... "WTF would El Cap want with a prissy little poodle?"

He doesn't! I'm talking about a big standard poodle, with a minimum of fancy fur-clipping, and certainly no painted toenails or hair bows!

Also, I want it trained to go for the gonads on command.

See, no one would suspect it! It'd be like those Q-ships in WWII. The German U-Boat would surface alongside some old freighter, and commence to blasting with the deck gun to save a torpedo. Quick as a flash, the paneling falls away, and the freighter's packing a half-dozen 40mm Bofors cannon, and peppers the shit out of the sub!

This would be the same kinda thing! I'd be out walking the dog, and somebody decides to give me grief. So, I slip the leash, yell "NIXON! NIXON!!" and relax & enjoy the show as Porthos the Poodle chews through the goblin's crotch! Fun!

Hmmmm.... Maybe I should get two of 'em!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Decipher The Snark?

It Was A Long Weekend, And I Am Confyoozed...

OK, some of you gunny types help me out here.

I detect a subtle whiff of snark in this post by Collector's Firearms:
Winchester 70 8mm Mauser caliber rifle. Post-64 model, re-barreled to 8mm Mauser caliber. What a great idea! Excellent condition. $495.00

OK, 1963 was the high-water mark for Model 70. After that, the post-64 rifles declined in quality and collector value. So, this one's lacking from the get-go.

Second, it's been apparently re-barreled in 8mm Mauser. I personally like the caliber, but I'm guessing that with the millions upon millions of surplus 8mm Mausers available from WWII stockpiles, the idea of taking a new Winchester and doubling your purchase price to rebarrel it might seem a bit... ill-advised, to say the least. Hence the snark.

Anyone get a different read on the situation?

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Why Grandpa Carries A Gun

Sunday Morning Wisdom

Dad emailed the piece below to me & my BIL. I appreciate the sentiment, but I'd much prefer if he'd go with us to the range and let us buy him a pistol. Dad's not much for up close and personal altercations. He's a Navy man, but did his fighting with guided missiles...

At any rate, the best line is the last one!


My old grandpa said to me 'Son, there comes a time in every man's life when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps and usually it's when he becomes too old to take an ass whoopin.'

I don't carry a gun to kill people. I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don't carry a gun to scare people. I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid. I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I'm evil. I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I hate the government. I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don't carry a gun because I'm angry. I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.

I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone. I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed,and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy. I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man. I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.

I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate. I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don't carry a gun because I love it. I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

Police protection is an oxymoron. Free citizens must protect themselves. Police do not protect you from crime, they usually just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess.

Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take an ass whoopin'. - Author Unknown (but obviously brilliant)

Friday, January 13, 2012

Steppin' Razor

This Probably Won't End Well...

Well, now I've gone & done it.

100 years of upgrades in shaving technology, and I've just taken a huge leap backwards for no good reason.

I have acquired a straight razor.

At this point, I haven't decided if it's going to be used for face-scraping, or just opening the occasional shipping carton.

I was hunting around on eBay for a damascus-bladed knife, and ran across a bunch of people selling damascus razors. The prices were affordable, leaving me to believe they're being sourced from a Pakistani sweatshop.

Still, in spite of living in mud huts and wearing bathrobes and shower shoes, give a Pakistani some old drill pipe, a set of files and a donkey-powered buffing wheel, and he'll turn out pretty respectable copies of whatever knife or gun you need.

So, I lost a few auctions before getting the high bid in, and this showed up in the mail last night:

The seller is advertising it as 512 layer damascus. That might be a bit optimistic. It's the real deal, though, and the quality isn't awful. The blade is better than the handle, which is a trifle wonky and leans to one side.

There's also no lock on a straight razor. With a heavy hand-forged blade, once you start it swinging, you really, really need to get anything made of meat out of its way. Like the honey badger, it just don't give a shit. It does what it wants.

I fully expect to slice the ever-loving $#!t out of one or more fingers this weekend. I ought to put up a Paypal donation button for some Bandaids...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

New Cousin!!

Baby Count - Other Cousins & Sibling: 15
El Capitan - ZERO!!

At about 11 p.m., my cousin Scott posted 'Go Time' on Facebook. I dunno whether that signaled the rush to the hospital, or the "Bombs Away!!" moment, but a new cousin has been dragged kicking & screaming into the world!

Named Sage Gabriel (insert El Cap & Cousin Scott's last name), he's a healthy 9 lb poop-geyser. Mother & son are doing well, Father and big sister are sharing the oxygen mask...

Of course, what was 11 p.m. here was 5 a.m. where Scott is. He & his wife are currently based in London, England, where the Great Corporate Behemoth of Redmond, WA has a tentacle coiled.

I don't have the piles of genealogical records at hand, but I'm pretty certain young master Gabriel is the first of the clan to be born in the UK since before there was a United Kingdom. When the Acts of Union were passed in 1707, most of our forebears were already in & around Charleston, SC and heading towards points west, or dodging bayonets in Northern Ireland after getting tossed out of Scotland for wearing the wrong kilt...

Monday, January 09, 2012

Eric SWG: The Cavalier Years

Fun & Games With Tiny Little Pixels

I know, I said I'd be cutting down on the PhotoChops this year...

Still, when Eric posts his pointy beard for all to see, what's a guy to do??

At first, I thought to put him in a cavalier hat.

Alas, after it was completed, I realized that the line between a cavalier hat and a pimp hat was a fine, fine line indeed. It brought to mind Maurice Chevalier instead of a proper Cavalier. Can't have that!

So, a quick replacement of a musketeer suit, and I think we're on to something!

What do y'all think??

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Light A Candle To Stop Violence

Try Not To Set Your House On Fire!

The Brady Campaign To Disarm Law-Abiding Citizens And Set Them At The Mercy Of Law-Ignoring Thugs has decided that January 8th shall be the day to "Light A Candle To Stop Violence".

Tonight, Millions Thousands Hundreds Dozens Just the few remaining zealots who think disarming citizens is a good idea will gather in the streets, and light candles and wish for gusts of unicorn farts to blow all the violence somewhere else.

Yeah, right...

Weer'd Beard, a Massachusetts gunblogger has a pretty good idea. I'll let him explain it:
I propose a display that will show we have the same goals, but our side is actually interested in results.

So on January 8th I ask everybody to post a picture of a lit candle and you carry gun. Because lit candles don’t do a whole lot but cast a meager amount of light…but a loaded gun in the hands of lawful citizens can do wonders to protect innocent lives from harm.

Also “Gun Violence” is a bogus and made-up term, so on January 8th I ask you all to light a candle to stop VIOLENCE, and show you have the means to do just that.

OK, I'm in. It's not a real candle, to be honest. It's one of those newfangled flickering LED models that won't drip wax on my new bathroom counter. Still, the Brady Bunch hardly qualifies as a real movement, so it's all good.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Secret Agent Man

These Are Not The Droids Guns You're Looking For...

OK, that was weird.

Got a call at the crack of dawn from my brother-in-law. He was browsing on Texas Gun Trader, and was certain he'd found his stolen .45 Auto.

A bit of background... He'd purchased a Springfield Armory .45, and after putting a couple of hundred rounds through it, sent it off for some replacement sights or a trigger job or some other custom work.

Now, for whatever reason, it never got back to him. I thought they sent these things insured, with signature on delivery, or some other way to ensure that the delivery company didn't just leave a boxful of pistol sitting on your front porch. Guess not.

So, the delivery company says they did everything right, the local PD can't do much with no suspect, and it looks like my BIL is out $750.

OK, flash forward to this morning. I get directed asked by my BIL to go meet a local seller who's got the exact same model of pistol. It's a pretty rare variant, and the seller won't tell my BIL the complete serial # over the phone.

I can't blame the seller for keeping mum. Whenever I post a picture of one of my bullet-flingers, I carefully Photochop out the serial # so that some sneaky creep can't report it stolen and cause me grief.

Now, I'm not sure what my BIL intends for me to do should the serial number match his missing gun. I'm not gonna hold the guy at gunpoint and call the law, and I'm certainly not going to try and wahoo the gun and risk a running gun battle in the parking lot of the Sugarland Whole Foods Market. Either way involves entirely too much drama and likely a trip to the pokey. I call BIL, and he says to just confirm the serial number while pretending to be an interested buyer. If it matches, we'll let Johnny Law deal with it later.

Long story short (too late, I suspect...) it's not the missing gun, and I give the seller a BS line about looking for a model with Novak carry sights instead of the target sights it's got on it. We go our separate ways, and that's that.

So, there's my adventure for the weekend.

How was your Saturday??

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Beneath The Epidermis

Only Ten Things???

Dropped by Yabu's place this afternoon, and saw he's got a post up asking you to list 10 things that get under your skin.

OK, I'm hip to the scheme...

10) Driving recklessly/too fast for road or traffic conditions

Look, kill yourself if you must. I'd prefer if you didn't take me with you 'cause you're late for work.

9) Ad servers that can't manage to work properly

Drives me nuts to have to wait for a web page to load, and see " loading..." down at the bottom. Load that shit last, AFTER your content!! I drop by your page for you, not your ads.

8) That red Mercedes SLK350 in Memorial Park

Fuck you and your sense of entitlement! Cut me off again, and you'll see what 6500 lbs of American-made 4x4 will do to your bodywork...

7) Cell phones

You have no idea how sorely tempted I am to jam that thing up your ass sideways when you take a call while we're speaking face-to-face. That's what voicemail is for. Also, quit texting during the movie, you OCD schmuck.

6) Ignoring the leash law

One of these days I'm gonna drop a big ol' steamer on your front porch and see how you like unauthorized pooping outside your house. I could care less that your dog's the size of a giant rat, that turd still stinks when it adheres to my shoe!

5) Unwrapping/inspecting every item in your bag at the drive-thru window

Look, asshole, if you're that picky, you should have hauled your ginormous posterior out of that '86 LeBaron and waddled inside. I'm waiting 20 minutes for a cup of coffee 'cause you're fussing over the pickles on your 99 cents sammich. Prick...

4) Baristas and most every coffee snob out there

It's just coffee, asshole. Shut up and pour. 20 years ago, folks like you were dipping cones at Baskin-Robbins, & squirting out Orange Julii at the mall, and you weren't all uppity about it.

3) The Occupy crowd

Look, it's your right to protest, and I'm cool with that. OTOH, you've been out there for a long time, and nothing's changed. A handful of y'all protesting Capitalism with signs and chants is a lot like someone trying to knock down a brick building with their forehead. Sure, there's an infinitesimal chance you'll get lucky, but the smart money would bet on the bricks...

2) Pawn Shops

Y'all have been watching 'Pawn Stars' a few too many times. I know for a fact that you loaned out 15 cents on the dollar for that guitar/rifle/whatever. I am NOT gonna pay retail for it! Also, if it's still on your shelf a year later, you should have taken my offer. Have fun dusting it.

1) Politicians (all of you, but mainly the local yokels)

You are NOT doing me a personal favor by running for office. There's 100 others just like you who'd do it, and for all I know, they're 10 times better. Also, you got elected. That doesn't mean you suddenly joined the ranks of God's Select. In 6 years, your ass is term-limited out, and you're back to the bleachers with the rest of the peons. Stay humble, you officious twit...

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Still Tickin'

One More Official Holiday This Month!

There's no better way to ring in the New Year than visit to the cardiologist!

Luckily, I passed my 430,000 mile scheduled inspection, and he shooed me off and told me not to come back for six months. BP was 128/88 and everything's sputtering along as it should be.

In other news, I'm going to try and put out more original content this year, and tone down the pix/P'shops/filth/etc. I started this thing to write, and I don't do nearly enough of that.

Hope your Christmas & New Years went well. Denny's still in the horsespittle, so go wish him well. Also, Eli, progenitor of Elisson, caught some bad juju recently so you might drop him a note as well.

More news as it happens, buckaroos!

Monday, January 02, 2012

Random Pix Of Dubious Humor

Moderately Safe For Work!

Well, I'd hoped to have something a bit more impressive for the first post of a new year other than the dregs of my "Funny Pix" folder...

Ah, well. With free ice cream, sometimes you get the Tutti-Frutti instead of the Triple Fudge Ripple.


"I don't know why
You'd eat whoopie pie.
Perhaps you'll die..."

Shop Smart! Shop S-Mart!!
(Ignore this one if you've never seen 'Army Of Darkness'...)

I probably posted this one before. It's an actual sign in my building. I could tell you what department it actually is, but then I'd have to kill you...