Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Dog Pack Kills Alligator

Survival Of The Fittest!

WARNING: Graphic Photograph Below

Dog Pack Kills Alligator In Florida

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the apex predator in its natural eco-system, can still fall victim to implemented team work strategy, made possible by the tight knit social structure and survival of the fittest pack mentality bred into canines over the last thousands of years by natural selection.

See the remarkable photograph attached, courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.

WARNING: Graphic Photograph Below

Buwahahahaaaa!! Got this in an email this afternoon!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Poultry Digits Doused In Mole Sauce

Better Eating Through Applied Chemistry!

I'll always remember my first taste of mole sauce. We'd travel out to Uncle Gene & Aunt Hilda's place, and watch for hours as cousin Johnny would slowly creep around their backyard on his hands & knees, listening to noises underground via the rolled-up Metro section of the Bryan/College Station Eagle. Suddenly, he'd leap to his feet, grab the 4-tine garden pitchfork he'd been dragging behind him with a length of baling wire, and commence to aerating the soil until you'd hear a muted squeal and see a geyser of blood. He'd pull up a perforated mole stuck on that pitchfork, and we knew dinner was but a few minutes away!

OK, I'm *so* making that story up...

Mole sauce has nothing to do with subterranean earthworm-eating mammals. Mole sauces are part of traditional Mexican cuisine. (Not Tex-Mex!) The most common version is called Mole poblano, which is made with dried chile peppers, nuts, spices, Mexican chocolate, salt, and a few other odds & ends. There's dozens of versions of mole sauces.

You've probably been eating a mole sauce for years, and never thought about it. Ever mix up some mashed avocados with chopped onion & 'maters, lime juice, peppers and spices? Yup, Guacamole is just another type of mole sauce.

The first time I had Mole poblano was in a restaurant called Ojeda's up in Dallas. I got two chicken legs & thighs on a bed of rice covered in this rich brown sauce. I had no clue what the hell it was, since I'd ordered the chicken tamales. It smelled too good to send back to the kitchen, though, so I dug in con mucho gusto, and have loved mole sauce ever since.

You can buy bottled or packaged mole sauce, but it's nowhere near as good as fresh made sauce. It's also easy to make, so give this recipe a whirl next time you want an interesting and tasty meal.

Note: Most recipes for mole sauces and chili powders start tossing out types of peppers including ancho, pasilla negro, guajillo, mulato, poblano, chipotle, etc. Also, you'll be told to pull chiles off your ristra, grind 'em in your molcajete and toast 'em on a '76 Monte Carlo hubcap over a burro-poop fire. Ignore all that for now. Start using commercial ingredients, and as you get more comfortable with the recipe, feel free to crank up the autentico level.

You'll need:

1 medium sized mole.

Sorry, scratch that...

You'll need:

2 large white onions, chopped
3 tbsp vegetable oil
1/2 tsp coriander seeds
1/2 tsp anise seed
3 tbsp chili powder***
2 tsp sugar (or piloncillo)
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp ground cloves
2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
2 tbsp smooth peanut butter
3-4 cups chicken broth, divided in half
1 15oz can diced tomatoes, drained
2 tbsp raisins
3 garlic cloves, minced and mashed to a paste
1 tsp salt
1-2 tbsp sesame seeds

10-12 boneless chicken breast filets "chicken fingers"

In a large skillet saute the onion in the oil over moderately high heat until it's golden brown.

In mortar or spice grinder, crush the coriander seeds and anise seeds. Stir into the sauteed onions along with the chili powder, sugar, cinnamon and cloves.

Cook the mixture over medium heat for about a minute, stirring constantly. Stir in the cocoa powder, the peanut butter, 2 cups of the chicken broth, the tomatoes, raisins, garlic paste and salt.

Drop a lid on the skillet, and simmer sauce for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. When it starts to smell so good you want to pour it on the linoleum floor and roll around in it, take the sauce off the heat and let it cool while you cook the chicken.

Rub the chicken fingers with salt and pepper and a bit of vegetable oil. Pan-fry or broil the fingers until both sides are golden brown.

While the chicken is browning, puree the sauce in a blender or food processor, or use one of those blender wands. Add the remaining broth if you need to thin the sauce. If you're feeling fancy, force the sauce through a sieve to get all the stringy bits out.

If you used a blender or food processor to puree the sauce, pour it back into the skillet, add the chicken fingers, cover and simmer for 30 minutes or so.

Serve over rice, and sprinkle with sesame seeds just before serving!

Ole! Viva La Mole!

*** - Note about chili powder!

While fresh-made chili powder is always better, pre-made is certainly acceptable. I prefer Gebhardt's Chili Powder, but there's others that'll work as well.

CHILE powder is one kind of chile pepper ground into a powder. CHILI powder is a mix of chile powders and other ingredients used to flavor chili and as a dry rub for meats.

El Capitan's Swollen Blowin' Colon Chili Powder recipe is as follows:

1/2 cup Ancho chile powder
1/2 cup red New Mexico chile powder
1/2 cup Chipotle chile powder
5 tablespoons toasted and ground cumin seeds
4 tablespoons onion powder
4 tablespoons Mexican oregano
3 tablespoons garlic powder
2 teaspoons ground allspice

Put it all in a jar. Shake well. Don't rub your eyes for 3 weeks.

Monday, January 29, 2007

To Pee Or Not To Pee

I Want An Under-Desk Urinal...

So, what's it like when you neglect to take your diuretic pills since last Thursday, drink a bunch of beer on Saturday, then have two Super Gonzo Gulp Diet Cokes and about a gallon of iced tea on Sunday?

Well, Monday morning you look & feel like this:

Then, you take your meds, and then spend the rest of the day like this:

Only with this kind of hydraulic action happening...

Sigh. I'm pretty sure I've worn a footpath in the carpet between my office and the bathroom...

Carthago Delenda Est!

No Wonder Scipio Sowed Carthage's Fields With Salt...

Carthaginians are complete bastards!

Been playing a little Civilization II for old times sake. These are some cold-blooded mofos I'm fighting. Talk about your scorched earth policies...

OK, let's say I'm a South American country that's invading the USA. By some miracle of arms, I manage to squeak by your navy and achieve limited air superiority in the Gulf of Mexico. I get beat up pretty badly, but still manage to capture a medium-sized port city, one with good rail access and deep water facilities. Population in the 2,000,000 plus area, let's say similar to Tampa/St. Pete or New Orleans.

I airdrop a division of paratroops to secure the city, then float in 3 divisions of armor and artillery, and land a couple of air wings for fighter cover. Bear in mind the city's still full of your citizenry, and your peons are harassing me via guerrilla action constantly.

Would your first reaction be to drop a big mammajamma nuclear missile on the town?

Apparently the Carthaginians think so...

Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy, that's for damn sure... I foresee a major Carthaginian city or two full of crispy critters in the next turn or so. Those boomers parked up the coast aren't there to measure whale fart emissions...

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Gone Shopping Lately?

Damn, I Need Tortillas, Cat Litter and Shampoo...

Here's an interesting view of a typical grocery store... This one's a Fred Meyer (aka Kroger) in Portland, OR.

You can download larger sizes here, just click on the 'other sizes' link at the top left of the picture on the Flickr page. Be advised, the original-sized photo at 2800x1853 pixels is a whopping 6.9 megabytes. Heck, that little version here is only 400x265, and even cranked down to 70% quality is still 56k. Lotsa info there!

Note the optical illusion caused by the shelf in the aisle on the lower right. It's actually curved out into the aisle, but looks like it's collapsing under the weight of all those bottles.

The commenters on the Flickr site seem to be arguing over whether this is a tribute or a ripoff of some artist named Gursky, and also lots of comments on consumer culture.

Personally, I'm a bit disappointed that there's not much difference with my local food stores. You'd think you'd see more regional brands and products. Y'know, Salmon Chex or something.

Friday, January 26, 2007

This Is *SO* Wrong...

I Hit Bottom, And Keep On Digging.

Cowboy Blob's having a Photoshop/caption contest today. I might not win, but I'm a shoo-in for Miss Congeniality...

Look, just Google it. I'm not gonna explain what bukkake is.

Investment Opportunity!

Almost As Good As Hillary's Cattle Futures!

I probably shouldn't be horning in on Shoe's livelihood, but if you're looking for a solid investment with the added bonus of being a piece of American history, check this out:

A gen-u-wine Walker Colt revolver! You don't see these come up for sale too often. This is one of the 1100 Walker Colts made in 1847, of which only 150 or so can be located today. It's marked as #53 of the Texas Ranger "A" company Walkers. These pistols were the result of a collaborative effort by Samuel Colt and Col. S. H. Walker as an improvement over the existing Colt Paterson model revolvers.

Gadzooks, I'd love to know how many Comanches and Mexican soldiers and assorted bandits were blown ass over teakettle by this old warhorse... The Walker Colts can be considered the first "magnum" pistols, and in their day were deemed as powerful as a rifle out to 100 yards, and far superior to a musket out to 200 yards. They were the first 6 shot revolvers in military service, and used .44 caliber round balls over a 60 grain charge of black powder!

They ain't making any more of these, and this one's a prime example of the species that will only increase in value. You can pick it up at Collector's Firearms for the low, low price of...


Thursday, January 25, 2007

My Fine Is: $660.60

Hmmm, Lots Of Deviltry In My Past...

Found this at GuyK's blog. He got it from Rhianna.

The rules are simple. Add up everything you're guilty of, then say how much your fine is. No matter how many times you're guilty of a particular offense, you only have to pay once! Bargain!

You don't have to disclose what categories you're paying for, so be honest!!

UPDATE: OK, for those of you freaking out and pulling me off your Xmas card list for being a total skeezoid reptile, it might behoove me to tell you that out of my somewhat excessive fine listed above, only $120.10 worth got proudly accomplished perpetrated within the last 10 years. I've slowed down somewhat in my old age, so I'm mostly safe to have around the puppies, kittens and the liquor cabinet...

Here's the list:

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Fishheads, Fishheads, Rolypoly Fishheads!

Fishheads, Fishheads, Eat Them Up, Yum!

Y'know, I thought my habit of rolling up a grilled kosher hot dog and a slice of cheese in a flour tortilla was kinda odd, until I saw Elisson's recipe for sardine & cheese tacos. Man, talk about inducing an involuntary gag reflex...

Hell, it might just taste like ambrosia. I'll never know, 'cause I have a real hard time with canned fish.

We were never really a fish family. Mom knew 5 fish recipes, and 3 involved canned tuna. The 4th one required a cookie sheet and frozen fish sticks. The last one she was strongly discouraged by my father to prepare, as her method of broiling fish not only turned the tender filets into boot leather, but it attracted every stray cat in a half-mile radius.

I was never much of a fisherman, either. Our family pastimes involved gunning down cute forest animals and birdies and eating their bloody remains, not dipping a worm-covered hook in murky water for hours on end. Not wanting to be completely helpless around the waterfront, I have since learned to filet and cook a fish. I have also learned it's easier and cheaper to buy your fish at the store than go out fishing!

So, I don't have a family history of cooking the finny little critters. I've learned to like most fish dishes, so long as they involve a fresh fish at the start of the recipe, and a plateful of yummy goodness at the end. Cioppino, fish & chips, sashimi, nova lox, bacalao, grilled halibut, salmon mousse, it's all good.

Canned fish? Au contraire, mon frere...

I can deal with tuna. It ain't great, but it's cheap, and you can doctor it up pretty well. I kinda like smoked oysters, too. I've learned to make salmon croquettes, so canned salmon's not too awful. If I had to eat it by the spoonful out of the can, though? BuWhaallgghh!! Cat food to the max...

Other things that I can't imagine eating without hurling? Anchovies. Sardines. Those cans of "fish steaks" in assorted sauces. Gefilte fish. (shudder) Canned mackerel. Canned squid and octopi. Those jars of pickled herring in cream sauce. (shudder shudder) Pilchards and skipjack, whatever the heck those are...

I tried once. I really did. Bought a can of sardines, took 'em home and planned on eating them on toast or something. Got that lid peeled back and saw those little heads staring at me, and that's all she wrote. The cats ate well that afternoon.

Maybe I ought to try fresh grilled sardines before I attempt the canned variety again. I've been meaning to try out this Portugese restaurant in town, and that's one of their specialities. Until then, though, I'm steering clear of fish in a can...

Good News In Abundance!

OK, It Is Cold & Rainy Outside... That's Not So Good.

Lots of reasons for joy & happiness today...

1) Walrilla is out of the horse-pittal and is back home blogging! Go say hello!

2) Graumagus has fired his blog back up again, no doubt using flint & steel to make the sparks! Go say hello!

3) Sheila Jackson Lee is still making an ass out of herself trying to glom onto the President following his speeches! They say the most dangerous place in the world is to be between her and a camera... Go say whoa!

4) Whataburger is selling their Honey BBQ Chicken Strip sammiches again! Go buy a load!

5) There's a cool new frog exhibit over at the Houston Museum of Natural Science! Hundreds of amphibians for your viewing pleasure! Go lick a toad!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Pass The Eye Bleach, Please...

Too Late, It's Burned Into My Long Term Memory...

For those of you who've never wasted enjoyed entire weekends rolling dice and swigging Mountain Dew with a group of acne-infested virgins brave adventurers in the gripping peril of a role-playing game, I need to pass along a concept.

There's a game called Call of Cthulhu based on the Cthulhu Mythos of H. P. Lovecraft. In this game, the players are dealing with creatures and entities so far removed from everyday rationales and experiences that periodically a check must be made to determine whether the characters are still capable of functioning rationally, or whether they've descended into gibbering madness.
To fail this Sanity, or SAN roll, is to immediately acquire all manner of phobias and mental quirks, and there's always the chance of going so batshit crazy that you kill yourself or your companions.

So, I told you that story to bring you this one.

Some things just can't be unseen. Once experienced, you are forever tainted. Since I suffered this tragic fate, I decided that you might as well too. I'm just cool like that.

Behold, the Pussy Snorkel. Please make a -5 saving throw vs. Aggravated Sexual Buffoonery.

Gadzooks, I can't believe someone would market a device like this. Aside from being tasteless, I just can't believe any guy could pull this thing out and strap it on without the object of his affections either kicking his head in, or else contracting a terminal case of the pee-squirting giggles. Either way, it's gotta put a damper on the event.

I dunno, your mileage may vary. I'm just seriously ooked out by it.

Found via Something Awful, who certainly lived up to their name today.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Things I Need To Quit Doing, Vol. 347

The List Is Endless, Really...

OK, come with me now on a trip through the twists of time, back to the heady days of the late 1980's.

The scene, a crowded dorm room in an East Texas cow college... The scene on the TV in that dorm room, a really skanky p()rn flick being avidly watched by about 14 guys, each making a concerted effort to ignore the fact we're having a Friday night sausage party instead of being out chasing the wimmens.

I can't even remember the P()rn flick's title. It doesn't really matter. The actor, as I later found out, was a veteran hose-slinger named Jamie Gillis. Probably one of the sleaziest-looking dudes making the skin flix at the time. We're hooting and hollering and cheering on the action when the aforementioned Mr. Gillis pulls a funny face and says in this goofy, almost whiny voice "Oh yeah, baby". One of the participants watching the flick says aloud "Man, I think that guy just farted in her face..."

And so a meme was born...

All the rest of that semester, any time a fart was heard, smelt, dealt, or even referenced in Residence Hall 16, usually one of the 14 onlookers would be there to chime in with "Oh yeah, baby..."

Fast forward almost 20 years. Jeebus only knows where the other 13 guys have gone, but I still catch myself muttering "Oh yeah, baby" after letting a good one rip. It's not like I do it out in public, or even in front of anyone, but you'd think that some things would just cease of their own accord...

Stay tuned for Volumes 348-350 of Things I Need To Quit Doing, where we'll explain "Q For Bread", singing ZZ Top's 'Cheap Sunglasses' while chopping firewood, and "Yawm, baby! I'm da Gahbage Mastah!!"

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Teaching Old Baboons New Tricks

Ain't No Soggy Bottom Girl!

Ok, antiquated old fogey that I am, I still have managed to keep an ear to the ground as far as current music syles. Sort of, anyway. F'rinstance, there's this thing called a 'mashup' that's popular with the kiddies these days. They take two dissimilar songs, and mash 'em togther in a semi-pleasing fashion. Sort of, anyway...

In my day, we got the same effect when the C90 cassette tape got old and thin, and you'd get bleedthrough from the other side of the tape. Well, that and singing the theme to Gilligan's Island to the tune of "Stairway to Heaven". Same kind of deal. Sort of, anyway...

So I'm on YouTube the other night, looking for somma dat old-timey bluegrass music some of us old fogies like, and I run across something just a bit different. Some enterprising soul has taken "Man of Constant Sorrow", from the 'O Brother, Where Art Thou' soundtrack, and wedged it together with Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl".

At first, I was appalled, as most old fogies are. Then the long-buried musician in me took another listen, and I'll be got-damned if maybe they're not onto something here...

Check her out...

If that tickled your fancy, imagine a mashup of Green Day and Kelly Clarkson...

Friday, January 19, 2007

Go Ahead, Ask Me About My Day!

Please Sir, Can I Have Another?

Scenes from The Man's new Incentive Program...

Only 5 more months to the new fiscal year, when I *might* just get a new office chair to replace the current torture device I have now.

Friday Random Ten

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery...

I'm gonna be pressed for time today, so I'm up in the wee hours of the dawn to post a few tidbits. Apolly-logies for the no-frills version, but I'm thinking I can get another couple of hours snoozification if I cut a few corners...

Here's a random sampling off the iTunes library:

And of course, the mandatory lyrification of one of the tunes...

Men of Harlech

Henffych well, i wlad fy nghalon,
Llwyddiant i ti Cymru dirion;
Bendith i dy feibion dewrion,
A dy ferched glân;
Peraidd yw dy hynod hanes,
I wresogi serch fy mynwes;
Tra bo 'ngwaed yn llifo'n gynnes,
Caraf wlad y gan.
Anwyl-wlad fy nhadau,
Caraf dy fynyddau;
Creigiau gleision uwch y nant
Ymwelant a'r cymylau,
Dolydd a dyffrynoedd ffrwythlon,
Ffrydiau clir a llynau llawnion,
Adlewyrchant flodau tlysion
Yn ei dyfroedd glân:
Hiraeth sydd i'm llethu,
Am anwylion Cymru,
Ow! na chawn fy mhwrs yn llawn,
A chred a dawn i'm denu,
Adre'n ol i blith fy nheulu,
A chyfeillion i'm croesawu:
Yn olynawl gwnawn foliannu
Cymru, gwlad y gân.

No, I don't speak Welsh either... Here's the lyrics from the movie Zulu, just before the judicious application of Martini-Henry Fu to the massed Zulu hordes:

Men of Harlech stop your dreaming
Can't you see their spear points gleaming
See their warrior's pennants streaming
To this battle field
Men of Harlech stand ye steady
It cannot be ever said ye
For the battle were not ready
Welshman never yield
From the hills rebounding
Let this war cry sounding
Summon all at Cambria's call
The mighty force surrounding
Men of Harlech unto glory
This shall ever be your story
Keep these burning words before ye
Welshmen will not yield

Good flick. I highly recommend it!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

On The Radio

Whoa-Ah-Oh-Oh-Oh, On The Radio!

Yeeeks... what dusty recess of my brain did that bit o' Donna Summer disco crawl out of?

How much does Houston radio suck? Imagine about 10,000 vacuum cleaners connected in series, each one carried by a crack 'ho wearing knee pads and that might come close. I never thought I'd find much to miss about Dallas/Ft. Worth, but they tended to have their $h1t together, radio-wise. Well, they had WBAP and 105.3 FM, and that was good enough.

I tend to listen to radio much more than I watch TV, 'cause it runs at a lower bandwith, in a manner of speaking. I can keep a radio tuned in one ear, and not get too distracted from whatever I'm puttering around with. TV, OTOH, I tend to get sucked into, and nothing else gets done until I quit watching.

That being said, there's very little radio in this town worth listening to. I like Chris Baker on KTRH, but I no longer get to listen to him due to Clear Channel's Great Rescheduling of 2007. Listening over the Interwebs is frowned upon in The Man's offices, and wrapped up in concrete and steel skyscraper, there's very poor antenna reception.

At any rate, I got to thinking about what would be my perfect radio lineup, if I could be an omnipotent Program Director. Unlike Clear Channel's local PD, who might be the impotent Program Director, judging by his dickless decisions recently. I mean, c'mon! Pulling Glenn Beck and Pat Gray? What is ya, Slick? Ignunt?

I think this lineup would work out OK.

6a-8a: WBAP Morning Show

8a-10a: The Mark Davis Show

10a-12p: Car Talk (aka Click & Clack, the Tappet Bros.)

12p-1p: Local news and Paul Harvey commentary

1p-3p: Rick Roberts

3p-7p: The Russ Martin Show

7p-10p: Chris Baker

10p-12a: LoveLine

12a-2a: Glenn Beck

2a-4a: Dr. Demento

4a-6a: King Biscuit Flower Hour

No, no Stern, no Limbaugh, and most certainly no Savage...

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Hump Day Quizzicles

A Glacial Pace Exists In The Office Today...

Found the first one at meow's place. The rest of them I did just for $h1ts and giggles. I'm kind of amused by my score on the last quiz on Bible knowledge, considering the last time I can remember opening one was back in college.

What Kind of Reader Are You?
Your Result: Dedicated Reader

You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.

Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Book Snob
Literate Good Citizen
Fad Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You?
Create Your Own Quiz

Would you survive in the wild?
Your Result: Yesiree!....

You could live in the wild if you wanted to! You know what to eat, do, and stay away from! You could get shelter, food, water fast and easy-and the right treatments to injuries, snake bites etc...You know the outdoors like the back of your hand!!

Most likely you'll survive....
Not to sure...
Wouldn't last 2 minutes!.....
Would you survive in the wild?
Quizzes for MySpace

You are 100% Knowledgable regarding US State Capitals!

Excellent Work! Nicely Done! Thank you for taking this quiz. Be sure to check out the statehood quizzes here at!

Do You Know Your State Capitals?
Make a Quiz

You know the Bible 88%!

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Seismic Rumblings

I Sense A Great Disturbance In The Force...

OK, in retrospect it probably wasn't wise to go eat at an all-you-can-eat Indian dinner buffet last night, and follow it up with a trip to Candelari's for their Penne Perfetto (handmade Italian sausage in a rich tomato cream sauce) and a few slices of their T-Rex deep dish pizza (Candelari's Original Italian Sausage, pepperoni, ground sirloin, bacon, Candelari's Andouille Sausage and canadian bacon) this afternoon.

I could swear that wombats and pangolins were tunneling in my abdomen, and fighting a turf battle along the way.

Can you make a smoothie out of Pepto Bismol, Rolaids and Phillip's Milk of Magnesia?

In A More Perfect World...

More Wishful Thinking On My Part

Lifted from one of those Worth1000 Photoshop contests...

Monday, January 15, 2007

'Bot or Not?

Too Much Time On My Hands...

So, rather than sleep all day on my day off (as I usually do) I get a big glass of iced tea and fire up iChat to see who else might be up and about. iChat's the Mac equivalent of AIM or ICQ, btw.

Within a minute of logging in, some mystery person hits me with a chat message. I've never heard from this person before. I personally think it was an automated chat troller, looking for a blog address to spam, but maybe I'm just paranoid.

See what you think...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Walrilla Gots Flipper Woes!!

Beard Still OK, Wimmen Worldwide Sigh In Relief

Walrus/Gorilla hybrid and Blown-Eyed Blodger extraordinaire Walrilla had to go into the hospital for emergency surgery, according to his wife.

Please stop by his blog and wish him well. Walrilla's truly one of the nicer human beings in Texas, and he's way high up on my blogroll for that reason!

Get well, Meester Wheeskers! We're pulling for ya!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Uphill Blogging

Where, Oh, Where Are You Tonight?

Blogposts are getting a bit thin on the ground, lately. Jeebus knows I'm having difficulties motivating myself to post daily, and it appears I'm far from being the only one.

Many bloggers on my list to the left have dropped their posting frequency by a noticeable amount. Not all, mind you. The blogmachines out there are still cranking 'em out at an impressive clip. Still, there does seem to be a drop off up and down the blogroll. A couple have even posted "Oh, what's the use, I might as well hang it up" messages, so I know I'm not alone in this case of increasing ennui.

So, is it just Seasonal affective Disorder? Maybe those New Years Resolutions are getting in the way of productive blogging?
I know various pundits have announced the Death of the Blog, but I'm not quite ready to go back to Usenet...

Where, oh, where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the whole blogworld,
In hopes of a new post;
You moved to MySpace, and--pffft! you was gone!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Good Things

They're Few & Far Between, But They DO Exist...

Here's a few positive endorsements.

1) The green tomatillo sauce at Santos Taste of Mexico. Makes the green salsa at Ninfa's taste like something you'd find in a used pair of Huggies. I came very close to setting the chips aside and eating the salsa with a spoon. The red salsa's very good as well.

2) The tarama at Empire Turkish Grill. Tarama is known as taramasalata at a Greek restaurant. No matter which side of the Aegean Sea you're on, it's a dip for bread or veggies kind of like hummus, only made with lemon juice, onions, garlic, and olive oil. Oh, and fish eggs caviar. Almost left that part out! Another item I was tempted to eat straight out of the serving dish with a spoon.

3) Half Price Books. You never know what you're going to find on their discount rack, but you're rarely disappointed. Along with a waist-high stack of other treasures, I scored an omnibus edition of all Dashiell Hammett's novels for $1. Can't beat that deal with a Thin Man's Glass Key.

4) John Varley's book 'Red Thunder'. Picked this one up on a whim at Half Price Books, and I'm enjoying it all out of proportion to what I paid. It's the story of some spunky and motivated "yoots" building a rocket to travel to Mars. It's set in Florida, and the author is quite creatively referencing and paying homage to the great Florida novelists. You get a touch of Carl Hiaasen, a bit of Elmore Leonard, a dash of Tim Dorsey, a smidgen of Randy Wayne White and James W. Hall. Best of all though, was a cameo appearance by Miss Agnes. What? You don't know who Miss Agnes is? I feel only pity for you... Best make a trip to the Busted Flush in Slip F-18 at the Bahia Mar marina!

5) Four Day Weekends. The Man is giving us Monday off for MLK Day. I'm gonna fritter away one of my personal days to make it into a nice long weekend, not going back until next Wednesday. It's a long haul after that, though. Not another official holiday until Memorial Day!

6) Having only an hour left until I can blow this Popsicle stand and head home.

PhotoShop Phriday!

Posting Other People's Creativity... Again...

The creative types over at Something Awful are busily tweaking away, making pfunny photos for PhotoShop Phriday.

This week's category: Star Trek! Army of Mom and Rockhauler ought to get a giggle out of this!

Go sneak a peek! Here's my favorites:

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Dysfunctional Chairs???

Lo, The Bureacracy Continues, Unabated By Reason Or Logic!

You just can't make this stuff up. Top-flight comedy writers would have to stretch their brains to be able to generate the stuff that oozes naturally out of a municipal bureacracy.

Witness for yourselves... this is an active policy in one of The Man's departments. I reproduce this document verbatim, bad grammar and awkward phrasing intact, though some department ID's and dates have been changed to avoid this pointing back to me too closely.

I imagine some chucklehead wrangled a promotion out of this gem...

Realm Of The Man
Department Of Sloth & Confusion
Dept. Policy #XX-0X
Effective Date: XX/XX/XX


To establish guidelines for allocation and requisition of chairs in the Sloth & Confusion Department.

The optimum goal in the selection of chairs is to provide comfort and facilitate task-oriented performance. However, in the past most chairs have been selected with appearance as the top priority. The main consideration for the selection of chairs should be the individual's task requirements, workplace surroundings and the adjustability of the chair. The chair is the foundation for a productive and comfortable work environment. The most important aspect for all managers is to appropriate sufficient funding in the budget line item (Furniture & Fixtures - No. XXXX) for any chair purchases.

Existing Chairs
If there is an unassigned chair appropriate for a particular job task (within a division), that chair will be assigned to the individual requesting a chair. If there is an appropriate, available chair within a different division in the department, a memo from Division Manager requesting the chair transfer will be submitted to the original chair assigned Division Manager or Assistant Director for approval. The requesting division manager will also submit a copy of the approved memo to the Departmental Fixed Asset Coordinator (DFAC), to complete the transaction.

All chairs that are broken, dysfunctional or non-utilized must be sent to Surplus & Salvage. The established Administrative Procedure, A.P. No. X-X, Subject - Transfer and Disposal of Surplus Material Equipment (excluding City owned vehicles) and Confiscated Property, shall be followed by all departments. The (DFAC) shall receive a copy of the prepared and approved Beancounter and Bureaucrat Department (B&B 097) Form, request for transfer of City-owned items.

New Chairs
To initiate the purchase of new chairs for any employee in the Sloth & Confusion Department, all appropriate, available chairs must be utilized. The purchase of new chairs will need sufficient funding in budget line item (Furniture & Fixtures - No. XXXX) for any chair allocation approval. To requisition a new chair, the Safety Section of the Risk Management Division must be notified, and a chair evaluation performed for the individual requesting new chair. If a new chair os approved, the current Realm of The Man contract vendor will be contacted (for appointment fitting) to set an appointment for fitting with the individual requesting new chair. If chair cannot be requisitioned under the current contract because of medical requirements (prescription must be submitted and evaluated by the Medical Advisor), time weighted average [not to exceed the equivalent of a single shift forty (40) hour work week] or size issues, (individual over 250 lbs.), a compatible vendor will be located by the Safety Section.

If there are any questions concerning this matter please contact the Risk Management Division's Safety Section.

I think I need a new chair. Mine's just too dysfunctional. It drinks entirely too much, and beats up on the coat rack and the lateral file cabinet. I'm pretty sure it date-raped the receptionist's couch last week before passing out in the Supplies closet.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

CollapsoCat & StareBeast

Dreaming Of Machine-Gunned Fish, No Doubt

Pookie Cat slumbers away, not concerned in the least that she's inches away from a crate of Cold War-vintage Yugoslavian 8mm Mauser ammo.

Meanwhile, Betsy Cat does her best to use her brainpower to force the can of kittytreats to levitate off my desk and move over to her on the bed.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Hosed On eBay

Go On, Take The Money & Run!

Got my second hose-job on eBay. Out of 140+ transactions over 7 years, I guess that's not too bad. First one was way back in '99, a used Global Village 28.8 modem that was DOA out of the box. Seller claimed it worked, and UPS must've dropped it. Yeah, sure, buddy.

This go-round, I was looking for a specific DVD for my friend Rockhauler. Finally found it, and could get it from this vendor just in the nick of time for Xmas. The seller had a 98%+ positive feedback rating, and sales in the thousands. A real ebay "Power Seller"! Yeah, there were 40 or so negative feedbacks in the seller's past, but with 37,000 separate transactions, you gotta figure the ball will drop from time to time.

So, I pays my money, and I sits down to wait.

And I wait.

And I wait.

Finally send the guy an email after Xmas. No reply.

OK, I wait some more. Xmas is a busy time, after all.

Then, I go to leave him another message. Ooops. This time, I learn "This member is no longer a registered eBay user.".

Well, dammit. I took a peek at his feedback. My, how a couple of weeks changes things! Check this out:

Six Hundred negative feedbacks left in the last 30 days. Looks like "Musicdogpd" shafted a whole bunch of us in December. Figure an average of $18 apiece for CDs and DVDs, and he got a year-end bonus of somewhere close to ten grand.

Ah, well. I'm only out $17.58. Could have been a lot worse. Plus, El Mom de Capitan stumbles across the DVD while she was out bopping around town, and sent it to me (along with a UOMe note...), so Rockhauler gets his Xmas present after all!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Technical Difficulties

Mice Got Loose In The Server Room, Probably

This site's been all twitterpated since the early morning. My ISP's web server is having fits, and until it's back up, my sidebar is not gonna load properly.

If it stays hosed until tomorrow 11p.m., I'll pull the regular blogroll and replace it with a text-only version, work conditions permitting. Making any changes to my template behind The Man's firewall is chancy at best. It may have to wait until tomorrow night.

Lo siento, muchachos!

UPDATE: Emergency Blogroll in place. I'm not very frikkin' happy with this state of affairs. I very much liked my graphical blogroll. This version looks like a shorn sheep. A shorn sheep that's been stump-raped.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I'm Completely Ashamed Of Myself

My Taste For Lowbrow Humor Continues...

"I'm completely ashamed of myself..."

Those are the words of one of the actors in Jackass 2 after he chugs about half a cup of horse semen in one of the more gag-inducing scenes in the film. It's also my feeling after watching the damned thing.

I have no idea why I pulled it off the shelf at the video rental store. I watched the first Jackass movie, and you'd think that would be enough juvenile pranks to last a lifetime. Nevetheless, I watched #2. That's not what's so shaming, though.

It's the fact that I spent a good chunk of the movie doubled over in laughter, because you just can't believe the lengths these assholes go to in order to film a prank.

Anyway, the best stunts, IMHO, are the Rocket Ride, the Fake Beard, Making Wee Man Disappear, the Grouchy Grandpa, and the Toro Totter.

A word of warning, if you have a touchy gag reflex, stay way the hell away from this film!!

Douchebags of 2006

When Calling Someone An @$$hole Just Isn't Insulting Enough...

I stumbled upon this page... It's a pretty amusing screed against the more egregious examples of douchebaggery last year.

Here's the best line out of the whole thing, IMHO. I'm still chuckling over this:
#5 - Madonna

"Wow, what a douchebag!" Moment:
Madonna asserting her intention to return to the same village to "adopt" yet another child. I said it once before, but it bears repeating: You know what Madge? Why not just do what your kind has done for centuries -- build a gingerbread house in the woods and let them come to you.

Go take a look!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The Effects Of Drugs On Spiders

Just Say No To Crack, Spider!

This is absolutely fascinating, and it's a must-see!

Via Right Wing News

Breaking News From Hell

If You Lose, The Devil Gets Your Soul...

Damned shame, really... no pun intended.

The Eternal Torch
Lake of Fire, Hell
Dee Munn, Reporter

His Infernal Majesty Satan announced at a press conference this morning that the rumors of a new arrival in the Ancient Burning Plague Pit were true.

"Georgia Johnny", the subject of the Charlie Daniels Band song "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" was admitted to Hell yesterday upon his death from acute cirrhosis of the liver and complications from emphysema.

"It was a typical Hollywood deal." remarked Satan. "He got some points on the front end, some bragging rights, and a gold fiddle I had knocked together in some Bangladesh sweatshop. I deferred immediate compensation for the long-term profit potential."

It was the bragging rights that led to Johnny's downfall, said Baphomet Q. Belial, attorney for Hell's Contract Compliance Division. "Johnny spent a lot of time hanging out in bars bragging about how he'd 'whooped up on Ol' Scratch'." said Belial. "He essentially knocked 20 years off his life with all the free drinks he received, and that 2 pack a day habit didn't help. What damned him for all time was the nonstop bragging. Pride is still very much a mortal sin, and he never expressed remorse for constantly claiming 'I'm the best that's ever been'".

"Georgia Johnny" could not be reached for comment, as he was trapped in a fiery pit with 10,000 demon children scratching out 'Frere Jacques' and 'Eensy Weensy Spider' on out-of-tune violins.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

A Puzzle Or A Mystery?

Or Just A Bunch Of Crooked Scam Artists?

There's an excellent article on the Enron Debacle in the latest issue of The New Yorker. If you were never quite sure just what kind of jiggery-pokery Enron's money managers were doing, this story spells it out in a clear & concise manner.

It's a lengthy read, but well worth it. Go have a look!

Found over at BlogHouston, which you really oughta be reading every day if you live within a 100 mile radius of The Dark Tower.

UPDATE: Bonus quote in the BlogHouston article... I've never heard it put quite this way before, but it's an instant classic. In commenting on executives leaving failing companies and claiming the departure on "pursuing other interests", commenter 'Wanderer' writes:
The other night on Mad Money, Jim Cramer addressed this issue himself. "Whenever I hear that one of these executives has resigned to spend more time with his family," he said, "I grab my wallet and start selling (stock), because these are guys that don't care about their families."

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Blame Canada!

No Poutine For You!!

OK, I've been taken to task by a coupla folks regarding my little tribute to Canuckian music. Not only was it non-American content, some of it was (shudder) 80's nuevo-wavo music.

Guilty as charged. I figured the Canadians were mostly harmless. After all, if we inadvertently call them 'America Lite' or the "We'd like to be even more socialist, but you'd invade and seize our beavers" country, there's not a lot they can do about it except lay on the maple syrup tariff and beat us in ice hockey.

After all, seen their navy recently? Here's a pic:

I understand they have Marine amphibious troops, too.

So, nothing to worry about. Unless they unearth the "missing" Avro Arrow, we're safe from any Canadian invasion.

Well, unless you count Celine Dion as an invasion. I liken her more to a really bad rash.

Peculiar Aristocratic Titles

More Boredom Relievers

This is actually kinda funny, considering I *AM* an ordained minister. OK, so it's with the Universal Life Church, the church that'll ordain an amoeba. Still, I've been tempted to wear a collar and randomly bless people.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
The Right Reverend El Capitan the Facile of Brompton Underfoot
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Courtesy of Leslie, who's got a shiny new look to her blog!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Running Out Of Vacation

I Need More Beer. And More Time.

Hmmph. 4 pm on New Years Day. Gotta go back to work tomorrow, even though the Feddies and the Staties get the day off.

I haven't done shit today. Didn't do shit the last two days, either. Didn't go to Jenni's big bash up in Dallas. Didn't even watch the ball drop in Times Square on TV. Just went out around 10:45 pm last night to gas up the truck and get a six pack of Tecate. Drove around for about two beer's worth of time, then came home, pulled some 6 year old fireworks out of the back of the closet, and had another beer while I launched my remaining bottle rockets over the neighbor's house towards the barrio apartments across the fence. Hey, it was a fair trade. They were launching 9mm rounds into the air. I'd know that *rapraprapraprap* sound anywhere.

Went 1 for 2 with the Roman candles. Even the one that lit didn't have a lot of spark to it. I didn't dare touch some of those big-ass red firecrackers. The fuses on the bottlerockets were bad enough. Incidentally, the stake/tie down pockets at the corner of your pickup bed make a pretty good launcher for rockets. Assuming you've got a bed liner and/or a crappy paint job to soak up the rocket exhaust.

The "whistling chasers" seemed to work OK, as did the spinning flower thingies. I missed having a few mortars and really big rockets.

I s'pose I oughta go put on the pot of black-eyed peas, and get the cornbread in the oven. I dunno that they bring me any luck. More likely they just keep the bad luck from overwhelming me completely. Besides, I don't dare eat more than a spoonful or two. Two bowls of those navy beans yesterday have rendered me unfit for polite company.

Happy New Year to you all, and muchas gracias to all that sent Xmas cards this year.