Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Retiring Mr. Switchy

Sic Transit Gloria Pointi

I've decided to quit carrying an old friend around everywhere. He was just getting to be too much of a liability...

When the Big Brown Truck of Happiness dropped off his replacement yesterday, Mr. Switchy, my Boker switchblade, took up residence in my Box O' Sharp Pointy Things for the foreseeable future.

Mr. Switchy

I've honestly never understood the reason that switchblades were illegal. It's not like they're any more lethal than a paring knife, and usually they're a lot duller.

Still, the penalty for getting caught with one outweighs the convenience of having one handy. Currently possession of an "illegal knife" in Texas is a Class A misdemeanor, and that kicks up to a 3rd degree felony if you're anywhere that sells alcohol.

In addition to the state laws agin' it, The Man takes a pretty dim view on such things. Get caught with a 'weapon' (and the definition can include everything up to and including a severely sharpened #2 pencil...), and you can find yourself on the unemployment line.

Even though I was never in the habit of whipping out Mr. Switchy in public, I could just see some thieving knucklehead digging through my satchel looking for cash, and deciding to drop a dime on me for $h!ts & giggles while they're stealing from me.

So, introducing the new Kershaw Tremor. With the assisted-opening flipper, it's just as fast as Mr. Switchy, but currently legal per the Penal Code.

It's bigger than Mr. Switchy, and weighs a bit more. I'm not sure I care for the "stone-washed finish" on the blade. That's industry-spin for "We don't wanna pay for a mirror polish". I'll probably pull the pocket clip. I never did like the things, though this does let you choose the clip mounting location, for tip-up or tip-down carry.

Since this one's an off-the-shelf knife, I can actually use it for things without fear of damaging this blade or the action. In other words, I can easily go get another one. Mr. Switchy was replaceable, but not "Go to & order another one-replaceable".

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Low-Tech Home Defense

Do Home Invaders Wear Pickelhaubes?

I've always wanted to make one of these. It was state of the art in 1916 for trench raiding.

I think I'd do it a bit differently. A Louisville Slugger makes a good starting point instead of whittling down a tree stump.

Also, I think you need to wire-wrap the nailed end to keep it from splitting.

I'd definitely clip the nail heads at an angle, though. Might as well add some extra injury to insult, after all...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Intense Frustration!

Must... Control... Fist... Of... Death...

Hmmmph. If working for the Post Office is anything like working for The Man, then I am beginning to understand why postal workers snap and start executing their co-workers.

No, I'm not at the breaking point. Will likely never get there. I just begin to understand the mindset.

I've been asked to contact Ms. Lazybones at XXX facility to arrange for some training on one of The Man's policy revisions.

So far, I've called, emailed, interoffice-mailed and if there was still a carrier pigeon service, I'd have used that.

Response so far? None.

This was done at their department's request, mind you. In other words, please send El Capitan over here to help us.

OK, happy to do so. When do you want me?

Crickets chirp. Grass grows. Paint dries...

My schedule is on hold until this gets worked out, since I can't plan on taking a few badly-needed vacation days until I get a response.

Sigh. If I have to drive across town to drag this bint out of her cluelessness by her pointy ears, that's what will happen. Mark my words!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Nazi Runes? Maybe Not...

All Is Revealed Through The Magic Of PhotoChop!!

There was a huge kerfuffle last week over the Army's Scout Snipers appropriating the sigrunen of the Nazi SS Corps for their team logo.

Unlawful? Only in Germany. In poor taste? Yeah, pretty much. Hard to justify using Nazi symbolism, even if you're fighting critters that make Nazis look like peaceful lambs.

But what if it was all a coverup??

Let's say there was a famous rock & roll band that visited the team for morale boosting, but needed to keep the trip incognito?

Could the Army have doctored the photo to conceal the truth??

Maybe so, mi amigos. Maybe so...

(Click Pic for Embiggened Truthiness!)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Random Thoughts On Basketball

Sunday Afternoon Silliness

We're in the doldrums of the sports season.

After football season, but before the bats swing, the horses run and the Indy cars fire up their engines.

Sitting here half-heartedly watching Miami beat up on Orlando, I think I know how to make basketball more watchable.

1) No more free throws. You can't ever build momentum when you stop every 45 seconds to line up for a free throw. In the future, the fouled player gets to throw the ball at the fouler's head.

2) To reduce injuries, all players will wear football pads & helmets.

3) No more out-of-bounds. The entire court will be enclosed like a hockey rink.

4) Anything goes. Just get the ball in the hoop. Disabled and comatose players can be dragged to the edge of the court until the end of the period.

5) One defensive player gets a lacrosse stick, to use as he sees fit.

There. That ought to liven things up...

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Yard Art??

Unexpected Gifts From The City

I have been gifted with some unexpected yard art.

I'm not sure I'm into the whole abstract sculpture concept, but since they're too damn heavy to move, I guess I'm stuck with 'em.

At least until the work crews bury them under the street...

Friday, February 17, 2012

Something New

This Keypad Is Very, Very Tiny!

I just realized I haven't posted since Wednesday, and I'm 15 miles from my computer.

No worries, the smart phone appears up to the task!

Now I just have to figure out how to Photochop Elisson on this thing...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Grasping At Burning Leaves

I'm Sure A Jumbo Paper Clip Would Have Worked Just As Well

I had a problem with cigar butts.

On a really good stick, you want to smoke it down to the nub and get all the toasty goodness out of it, but the odor of seared finger-flesh tends to distract from the experience. So, what to do when you run out of room to hang on?

I dug around in my junk drawer and found an old hemostat that hadn't seen use in conjunction with burning leaves since college, but it was better suited for left-handed cigarettes than 60 ring gauge cigars. I tried a jumbo set of tweezers I picked up at a gun show, but the sharp points poked holes in the wrapper.

These folks make a pretty nifty gadget, but it's kind of spendy, and a bit bulky to carry around in a pocket:

A buddy of mine has a cool little gadget for hanging on to the last little bit of a cigar. It's a little flat disk of metal that pops out two prongs that you can press-fit to the diameter of your cigar, and avoid the tearing & crushing of the wrapper like a hemostat or tweezers.

I searched in vain for a year, then made a point to ask him exactly what the gadget was called.

Surprise, surprise... It's called a pocket knife. Heh. Specifically, a round keychain sort of knife, not really designed to hold cigars, but it does the job admirably.

Enter year two of hunting for one. The company that made 'em had long discontinued the model, so it was a matter of chance that one would turn up on eBay.

I lost on two auctions, and finally got lucky. This one came with a bonus. Instead of the coin reproduction, this one was a souvenir from an old political campaign, with a way-cool logo.

Check it out:

Monday, February 13, 2012


I Am So Easily Amused!

El Capitan is a very happy man!

Wanna know why?

Here's Les Nessman with the news!!

Hehehe! I stumbled upon a copy of the 1st season of 'WKRP in Cincinnati' while poking around at the Movie Trader shop.

Yes, it has the turkey drop episode!

Also, lots and lots of Bailey Quarters...

Mmmmmmmm.... Bailey!!!

More Facebook Stuff

As Always, It's Easier Than Original Content!

Saw a version aimed at journalists, and thought that the guvmint drones needed their own special edition!

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Minor Achievement Of The Week

Minor, But Still Pretty Damn Cool!

Borrowing a meme from the /b/astards...

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Hedgehog Alert!!

All The Nudes That's Stiff As Cement

The Houston Barnacle's website reports that p()rn legend Ron Jeremy is in town filming a horror movie.

Jeremy (aka The Hedgehog) is known best for possessing a gigantimous schvantz, his lack of discretion in where aforesaid schvantz is inserted, and the continuation of his career in p()rn long after his hairline has receded and his gut expanded. To tell the truth, it's kind of an ego boost to fat bald guys everywhere...

Anyway, I could give a damn one way or the other, but I had to pass on a quote in the Comments section. Made me spew some green tea on the ol' keyboard...

"I just saw him filling up his car at the Shell station on Kirby and 610! I figured he was a porn star because as soon as the tank got full and the gas nozzle clicked, he pulled it out and sprayed gasoline all over the hood of his car!"

That's funny, right there!

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

George Lucas Strikes Again...

Two Hours & $10 I'll Never Get Back.

Just got back from seeing 'Red Tails'. Can't say that I'd recommend it. Anything with the Lucasfilms logo just seems doomed to major-league suckage.

Y'know, the more I ponder over the issue, the more I'm convinced that George Lucas (Exec. Producer of this film, and he's had it on his back burner for 25 years) never progressed intellectually or emotionally beyond the stage of an pre-adolescent boy.

It's the only explanation for the simplistic content of his work.

F'rinstance, the special effects in 'Red Tails' were outstanding. The aerial dogfights and battle scenes were some of the best I've seen. Pure fanboy monkeyspank fodder!

Outside of the cockpit? Pure dreck.

The characters were one-dimensional. The dialogue was hackneyed bordering on the puerile. Every possible war movie cliché was represented, and the overall tone seemed to be one of a Saturday morning kids cartoon, where they tack a "learning moment" on the end to avoid being a 30 minute toy commercial.

Seriously, I got the feeling about halfway through that the director's only orders to the actors consisted of what that Bug/Lizard bad guy said in 'Galaxy Quest' - "Explain as you would to a child!"

Two out of five stars. Wait for it on Netflix or Redbox...

Monday, February 06, 2012

Single Action Success!!

And No Extra Parts Left Over!!

Well, the disassembled SAA clone went back together with a bit of fiddling.

Lessons learned:

1) On a 3" barreled SAA, the ejector housing is the very last thing to add! The cylinder base pin is too long to insert otherwise!

2) Don't forget to put the pistol on half-cock to drop the cylinder bolt before stuffing in the cylinder!

3) Heinie wire springs are the cats-ass!

4) Get ALL the grip & frame screws 90% tight before torquing any down!

Anyway, it's all back together:

The cylinder cycles, it cocks, and *stays* cocked:

The hammer drops cleanly when you touch the trigger!

Bonus! A freebie from the parts guys at Cimarron Firearms. I'm not real big on stickering up my pickup truck, but I might make an exception here!

Saturday, February 04, 2012

.45 Colt Jigsaw Puzzle

You Need Small Fingers For This Stuff...

Wanna know what it takes to tie up a revolver completely?

Look at the tiny chip missing from one of the prongs on the cylinder bolt below:

That's all it takes!

Alas, that wasn't the only thing wrong with the wheelgun.

I also had to replace a broken spring on the cylinder hand. I didn't find out about the broken bolt until I got the revolver disassembled. I'm also ordering a wire bolt spring from Brownell's to replace the flat spring. It ought to make things a bit more reliable.

So, until the new parts arrive next week sometime, I've got a pile of pistol just sitting around.

Sure hope I remember how it all goes back together...

Friday, February 03, 2012

Poker Night!

We Need Morally Ambiguous Cocktail Waitresses. Apply Via Email!

It's time to throw some money away!!

Fortunately, there will be booze & cigars to ease the loss!

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Driving By Smell

Holy Toledo! El Cap Posts Some Original Content!!

Here's something a little different...

Did you know that you can blindfold yourself, and navigate your way around Houston by your nose? It's true!

OK, you'd likely end up in a fiery wreck on the freeway, and contribute your unique aroma of roasting flesh to the plethora of Houston smells, but in theory, you could do it!

Here's a list I've compiled from my neck of the woods. I'm fortunate in that I don't often get over to the Ship Channel & the Refinery area or I'd have a few additional unsavory stenches to add to the list! Also, avoid Bacliff if you can. The whole place smells like unwashed ass, crystal meth fumes & despair...

(Click map to biggie-size!)

A) Norteño Pollo Asado Taco Truck - The aroma of grilling onions and chicken greets me every morning. The old bus looks like crap, but the smells coming out are divine!

B) Gorman's Cleaners - A large industrial dry cleaning and service uniform facility. When the wind's right, you get a good hit of steam and hot starch as you drive by.

C) House Of The Unholy - Can't really describe this one, other than to say as you're driving down Memorial Dr. past a bunch of mansions, somewhere in between 610 and Silber you get a huge waft of mold & mildew. My theory is that one of the stodgy old mausoleums has a bloodsucker in residence, a la The Vampire Lestat. I've also seen dead rats along that stretch of Memorial. Creepy...

D) The Bat Bridge - At Waugh Dr. & Allen Parkway, there's a bridge underpass that's home to 300,000 or so Mexican Free-tailed bats. I'm cool with the flappy things, 'cause they eat lots of mosquitos, but their guano just plain stanks!

E) Sunbeam/Rainbo Bread Bakery - God bless Louis-Camille Maillard for explaining the Maillard reaction, or why baking bread turns brown and smells so delicious!! You get the full effect in the morning as they're cranking out the loaves. If you get curious, you can drive down Center St. and watch them trundle carts of loaves from the bakery to the slicing/packaging building next door. In the afternoons, I think they bake pastries and cookies, it's definitely a sweeter aroma!

F) Maximus Coffee Roasting Plant - This used to be the old Maxwell House plant east of downtown. According to the Greater Houston Coffee Association, Houston is home to the only two decaffeination plants in the nation, so if you're fond of decaf, it's likely being made here. It's a great smell from afar, but up close it's a bit overpowering.

G) Taoist Temple - Don't know a lot about this one, other than it's a fantastically ornate temple east of downtown. Some days, you get a hefty hit of sandalwood incense as you drive by!

H) Leeland Bakery - Not sure what they make here, but it's bread-like and smells great!

I) HPD Headquarters - Some people claim that there's a distinct aroma of bacon emanating from the building. Personally, I find that the older I get, (and the less shenanigans I get myself into) the less & less I catch any odor of pork or pork products near any cop shop. In fact, when they're rousting the Occupy Houston slackers & hippies, it's like a breath of fresh air...

J) Tranquility Park - The home of the aforementioned Occupy Houston slackers & hippies, it's really starting to smell like patchouli oil & dirty socks.

So, that's my Tour De Smell of Houston. Feel free to contribute your own in the comments!