Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Monday, June 28, 2010

How Do You Get Grape Jelly Out Of Cat Fur?

Lessons Learned From A Week Of Kids

After a week spent at Casa Capitan, my niece & nephew have been bundled off back to their home, and I'm slowly backing away from the Cliffs of Insanity.

Those of you who are parents will already know most of these tidbits, but I thought I'd share them anyway.

1) You would probably get less drama & tears applying a belt-sander to the skin of a 3 year old girl than you would a splash of hydrogen peroxide and a band-aid.

2) Every bump & fall, no matter how slight, will result in a torrent of tears, piercing shrieks and immediate skeletal collapse until the child in question is picked up, at which point the skeleton magically reappears, and every limb starts windmilling at a high rate of speed until it impacts somewhere on your body. Usually your nose or crotch...

3) Children can live for 3 days on 2 chicken nuggets, half a tube of Go-gurt, and a sandwich baggie of dry Cheerios.

4) Unbreakable patio furniture isn't.

5) Car windows must have tiny hand & noseprints on every square inch of inside & outside. Windows and seat fabric within reach of the car seat will have ground-in Cheerios and smeared goo of some kind.

6) There's a reason cats are skittish and like to hide under furniture. Small children are that reason.

7) You can't get past the 3rd page of "Green Eggs & Ham" without one or both children getting distracted and running off.

8) OTOH, badly-drawn animation and dimwitted kiddie shows on Disney & Nickelodeon will hold them captivated for hours.

9) It is impossible to put a child in bed without first making 3 trips to the potty, 2 drinks of water, and then locating a missing "blankie", whose importance is likened to the Shroud of Turin, even though the child left it wadded up behind the piano.

10) Little kids are absolutely adorable, and they grow up way too fast...