Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Booger Blogging

The Nose Knows...

Acidman started it, Ellison continued it, and now I'll jam my finger into this nostril of blogdom.

After all, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch!

I won't go into too much sticky detail, but here's the worst 5 booger days of my life...

5) Trailrides on hot, dry days.
Many was the time I'd be stuck riding drag behind 25 Boy Scouts on some godforsaken rattlesnake-infested trail. Even with a bandanna over your face, you'd still inhale lots of dust and powdered horse doo. In the evening, you'd shower under the spigot on the windmill catchtank, and blow out enormous crusty dirtwads that had been lurking in your sinuses for days.

4) 1997 - The Year Of The Flu
Had a really bad year with the allergies, culminating in the first case of the flu I'd had since I was in grade school. Rather than blow my nose and inflame it further, I'd end up snerking and sniffing to keep the ooze from flowing, and sooner or later, it backed up and caused a snotjam. I ended up peeling out long strings of boogers, kinda like that oozy glue they use to stick coupon insert pages into magazines. 'Course, mine were an attractive green color!

3) Hay Hauling
On the years at summer camp that I wasn't dealing with livestock, I still got roped into the annual hay-haul, due to my ability to toss square bales up into the hayloft for hours on end. While the pencil-necks got to teach arts & crafts or dabble their footsies in the river, the real men were jogging behind a flatbed trailer as it wandered over a 200 acre field, heaving bales of hay into 12 foot stacks. The dirt, grass dust and diesel exhaust combined with your apparently inexhaustible mucus supply to form almost concrete-like boogers that not only clogged your nostrils, but formed in the corners of your eyes as well.

2) Laying Insulation
Removing old water-damaged insulation batting. Blowing in new stuff. Using surgical masks instead of respirators. You can figure out the rest...

1) The Cleveland Nosebleed
This one barely qualifies as a booger, but it's the most supremely disgusting thing to exit my nose, so it clocks in at #1. I've had nosebleeds quite frequently all my life. I was a roadie for a band back in college, and we toured all over the country. One night in Cleveland, I got this nosebleed that just wouldn't stop. All night long, it kept dripping, in spite of every trick I knew for stopping them. Finally, about 5 am, I woke up the bass player to drive me to the E.R., since we had to be on the road at noon to reach Washington D.C. that evening.

I got the nostril packed with gauze, and we hit the road on schedule. I somehow managed to drive the van most of the way there while running about 2 quarts low on blood and 7 hours short on sleep. I had this annoying tickle in the back of my throat the entire day.

In the wee hours of the morning after the D.C. gig loadout, I felt it was safe to unpack my nose. I drew out about 8 yards of gauze, and attached to the ass-end of the gauze was a blood clot booger!!! that just kept sliming out of my nose! It was all blackish-red, probably 8 inches long, and about as big around as your finger. I actually gagged a bit as the tail end got pulled up out of my throat. I flicked the nasty thing on the trash dumpster behind Ford's Theater, and it stuck firmly. As far as I know, it's still there, unless the numerous rats ate it.

Crapblogging? Boogerblogging? Feh. Piece o' cake. With dingleberry topping.