Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, January 21, 2005

88 Lines About 44 Women - The El Capitan Variations

Way back in the 80's a group called the Nails had a song called '88 Lines About 44 Women'. It was a cool little ditty then, and still is today.

I got to thinking about blogging ideas, and had the thought about putting the assorted and sundry women in my life into the tune. I couldn't quite do it in the same length as the original, I needed to add more info, so if you break mine down against the meter of the original, it's more like 176 lines about 44 women. That doesn't sound nearly as good as a title!

To people thinking I'm just putting names to the notches on the bedpost, that's not the case at all. Most of the women here are just those who've affected my life in some way, good or ill. The timeline ranges from about 1976 to present day. No relatives in the mix, that's just asking for trouble...

Obviously, there's a lot more than can be said about a lot of women here than is stated in 2 lines. Not all relationships are spelled out in their entirety, nor do I wish them to be. For anyone who thinks they recognize themselves, well, you might not be the verse you think you are! So, before you fly off the handle, better check with me first!

Oh, one last thing. I'm a storyteller, not a poet. I'm quite well aware that my rhymes are forced, and my meter is often quite discombobulated. Mentioning these poetical heresies to me is not necessary!

So, on with the show...

88 Lines About 44 Women - The El Capitan Variations

Kimmy asked me early on if I ever wanted to go steady,
I was into bikes and Hot Wheels, for girls I really wasn't ready.

Michele I eyed with growing interest once the girls stopped being icky,
She taught me a lesson when she shunned me, wimmen can be really picky.

Jill was my first real crush, once I was old enough to have it matter,
I moved away just as we got close, my heart forever a little sadder.

Ms. O'Grady, 7th grade, taught us our math problems in a jiffy,
Problem was, she's hot & blonde, all the boys had Perma-Stiffie.

Laurie, 8th grade, Junior High, beauty such as told in Psalms,
Lovestruck teenage boy desires you, glad that hair won't grow on palms!

Cindy was the first girl that I asked for a dance five months ahead,
Airhead girl forgot completely, and went with someone else instead.

Debbie subbed in Cindy's place, riding in back of Dad's new car,
On the doorstep, Dad's horn is honking... Cap just ain't getting far!

Flag Corps Stephanie caught my eye, she had a raging case of cutes,
I took away a lifelong thing for gals in knee-high leather boots.

Riikka came from far Helsinki, gorgeous legs, cute & flighty,
I really wanted to ken a Finn, alas, I was going out with Heidi.

Heidi caught me in my moods ranging from the best to worst,
It ended badly, words of anger... Nonetheless she was The First.

Likewise Jodi, friend to Heidi, thought living here was nice & tidy,
Dressed to kill and sprayed with Polo, I aimed for trio, wound up solo.

Cay was a music virtuoso, destined for much higher places,
Last I saw her she was shitfaced, rubbing her ass on many faces.

Shannon was Mom's "foster daughter", a mom herself only much too soon,
Life's dealt her a busted flush, but she manages a happy tune.

Nameless beer queen at the college, raised my alcoholic knowledge,
Sparkling eyes like Halley's comet, she filled my lap with sudsy vomit.

Amy was my roommate's girlfriend, to their future I was a cynic,
A condom mishap led to problems, Cap had to drive them to the clinic.

Mona took a quiet day to show off her futon and offer chances,
Dumbass Me took way too long to guess she wanted mattress dances.

Michelle the actress, wry and brittle, her exhibitions were top-notch,
Offered to make it with her boyfriend if I'd stick around and watch.

Rebekah wanted to see it all, a girl escaping Momma's cage,
I'm still thankful things stayed zipped, she was 10 months underage.

Meredith, she loved the horses, let me ride & rope and brand,
She took off with my buddy Tim, a choice I still don't understand.

Laura liked the country boys, left San Antone to work with men,
She was like our little sister, I'd pay a fortune to meet again.

Tracy the pedestrian, the Congress Queen, the Hatchet Slut;
Hundreds breathed a sigh of pain the day that long red hair got cut,

Liz the Texas Yellow Rose, lifetime friendship is our plan,
She's getting married in the spring, but I'll still be her "Do Right Man."

Jennifer the forest ranger, Alaskan trekker called "Plays With Chainsaw",
Due to distance, I rarely see her; To fix that there oughta be a law!

Leslie the Sock Girl loved engineering, and had a perfect set of breasts,
She split with my pal & called me often, not nailing her put me to the test.

Jennifer the Frequent Flyer, armed with snarky pun attack,
Her distant journey broke my heart, but she kindly glued it back.

Spyche with her angel's voice and smile that makes you wanna shout,
She was a bouncer, me a roadie, I never had time to ask her out.

Leigh was a lissome lass, a sexy tart ripe for hunting,
All bets were off the day we caught her & the Limey Bastard 'Runting'.

Jenni of the giant smile, the camper, dancer, tech-supporter,
one of my all-time fav'rite people, one better you can't custom-order!

My friend's wife, Sharon, looked severe; a model of the homely bride,
Took me quite a while to learn that true beauty is often kept inside.

Debra was a great co-worker, her solutions hardly ever missed,
I rarely paused to really listen, 8 years later she's still kinda pissed.

Lynn wasn't sure at first about me, my abrupt manner roused some fears,
Turned out we had a lot in common, and we've been friends for many years.

Kim was sweet, a round-heeled gal whose bedroom favors often pleases,
She offered a tango, I turned her down... for fear of nasty crotch diseases.

Connie was a lot of fun, single mom raising quite a kiddo,
I never looked for more than friendship, she switched teams some years ago.

Sherri was a free spirit, her antics left me at a loss,
Wrapped me around her little finger, sloppy form when you're the boss.

Redhead Jackie, dinner partner, deserves a much better rhyme,
Her sunny nature kept a thankless job from seeming like eternal time.

Eleanor was a breeze to work for, she liked her team to all be friends,
I learned an important lesson, beware of jealous lesbians...

Memphis Kim the surly ignunt boss, her peanut brain was all miswired,
The Happy Dance went on for days when we heard that she'd been fired.

Kathy and I were good friends but she hinted I could be bolder,
Alas, my tastes are pretty set, I can go younger, I don't do older.

Starla had the greatest rack, a fine & bounteous sweater-filler,
Her backstabbing and treachery made you want to shoot & kill her.

Aimee was a tireless drone, a pressure steamer always cooking,
A tiny cyclone shuffling papers, made you exhausted just by looking.

CeCe got promoted past her station, her inexperience couldn't cope,
When she tried to cause me grief, Cap applied the Rope-A-Dope.

Jenni Rose, I saw her born, the girl next door who's never naughty,
She's sixteen now, and Hayzoos Khrist! When'd she become such a hottie?

Danielle of the Frozen Wasteland, bright part of Ontario,
Damned work visa had expired, so I had to pack and go.

All shoes have mates, or so they say. I'll find a wife before Judgement Day.
Though your face is veiled in future's mist, I choose YOU to end this list!

88 Lines About 44 Women.