Things That Piss Me Off, Vol. 234
The Special Taser Edition
A lot of people here in Houston are up in arms about our local boys in blue using tasers to excess. I learned long ago that if you don't lip off to Johnny Law, you rarely get tasered or beat down. Also, if it comes time for the Po-leece to put on the shiny silver bracelets, you've probably done something really wrong, and what's more, you KNOW you've effed up. So, if you absolutely must try to wrestle with the cops, shut up and take your tasering like a man.
So, here's some more people deserving of the taser treatment:
People that pull their cars out into the intersection, knowing they can't complete the turn. They then sit there, blocking traffic in both directions until they can pull into traffic. Whatever happened to the "If you can't complete the turn, don't pull out there" rule? These assholes deserve to be tasered, their cars impounded, and their testicles drummed upon with a rubber mallet.
Similarly, WTF is up with people that will hold up traffic trying to turn across the oncoming lane from a gap in the median? Invariably, there's a turn bay in the median up ahead going into the EXACT SAME EFFING parking lot, and if they used that entry, we wouldn't be screeching on our brakes trying to avoid hitting the asswipes when they suddenly brake to make the turn.
People in front of me in line at the video rental store, who ALWAYS have some kind of problem. Either they're arguing late fees, or they're paying with an out-of-state 3rd party check, or they're trying to prove residency with a county jail release form, or their kids have overturned the candy rack. Hollywood Video, can you please install an express line for people that never have late fees, pay in cash, and generally have their shit together? Please??? Also, can we taser the idjits in the other lines?
People that park so close to my door that I have to climb in from the passenger side and scoot over. I'll give you cheesedick mofos fair warning. When my truck tires are taller than your front bumper, it's no work at all to leave a big ass tread mark on your hood. You've been warned.
People that get a big bag of grapes in the produce section in the grocery store, then eat them as they go shopping. By the time they reach the checkout aisle, they're paying for a bunch of stems. They need to be tasered until they puke on the produce scale, and then the store can weigh the urped-up grapes.
Neighbors that let their dogs shit in my yard. Your dog doesn't know any better, so I'll just taser you.
Program directors effing up my radio listening schedule. Yeah, you, Ken Charles! It's bad enough you have that pinko Ken Hoffman on to pollute my morning drive, but then you put Ed Schultz on for the evening drive. Guess I'm switching over to KSEV. Dickhead. Go taser yourself.
People working in the drive-through that can't get the order right. Look, it's a BEEF burrito, dammit! If you give me a bean burrito instead, I'll be too pissed to drive all the way back over there to fix your eff-up, end up eating it anyway, then spend the next 18 hours blowing methane out my bunghole. GET IT RIGHT! This is not rocket science! Next time, I return the incorrect order via a catapult, then taser you in the goolies.
Britney Spears. Put on some panties. Stop hanging around with skanks. Go home, and raise your children. Otherwise, you get tasered.
OK, that's all for now...
A lot of people here in Houston are up in arms about our local boys in blue using tasers to excess. I learned long ago that if you don't lip off to Johnny Law, you rarely get tasered or beat down. Also, if it comes time for the Po-leece to put on the shiny silver bracelets, you've probably done something really wrong, and what's more, you KNOW you've effed up. So, if you absolutely must try to wrestle with the cops, shut up and take your tasering like a man.
So, here's some more people deserving of the taser treatment:
People that pull their cars out into the intersection, knowing they can't complete the turn. They then sit there, blocking traffic in both directions until they can pull into traffic. Whatever happened to the "If you can't complete the turn, don't pull out there" rule? These assholes deserve to be tasered, their cars impounded, and their testicles drummed upon with a rubber mallet.
Similarly, WTF is up with people that will hold up traffic trying to turn across the oncoming lane from a gap in the median? Invariably, there's a turn bay in the median up ahead going into the EXACT SAME EFFING parking lot, and if they used that entry, we wouldn't be screeching on our brakes trying to avoid hitting the asswipes when they suddenly brake to make the turn.
People in front of me in line at the video rental store, who ALWAYS have some kind of problem. Either they're arguing late fees, or they're paying with an out-of-state 3rd party check, or they're trying to prove residency with a county jail release form, or their kids have overturned the candy rack. Hollywood Video, can you please install an express line for people that never have late fees, pay in cash, and generally have their shit together? Please??? Also, can we taser the idjits in the other lines?
People that park so close to my door that I have to climb in from the passenger side and scoot over. I'll give you cheesedick mofos fair warning. When my truck tires are taller than your front bumper, it's no work at all to leave a big ass tread mark on your hood. You've been warned.
People that get a big bag of grapes in the produce section in the grocery store, then eat them as they go shopping. By the time they reach the checkout aisle, they're paying for a bunch of stems. They need to be tasered until they puke on the produce scale, and then the store can weigh the urped-up grapes.
Neighbors that let their dogs shit in my yard. Your dog doesn't know any better, so I'll just taser you.
Program directors effing up my radio listening schedule. Yeah, you, Ken Charles! It's bad enough you have that pinko Ken Hoffman on to pollute my morning drive, but then you put Ed Schultz on for the evening drive. Guess I'm switching over to KSEV. Dickhead. Go taser yourself.
People working in the drive-through that can't get the order right. Look, it's a BEEF burrito, dammit! If you give me a bean burrito instead, I'll be too pissed to drive all the way back over there to fix your eff-up, end up eating it anyway, then spend the next 18 hours blowing methane out my bunghole. GET IT RIGHT! This is not rocket science! Next time, I return the incorrect order via a catapult, then taser you in the goolies.
Britney Spears. Put on some panties. Stop hanging around with skanks. Go home, and raise your children. Otherwise, you get tasered.
OK, that's all for now...
posted by El Capitan | 5:11 PM
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