Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Saturday, January 15, 2005

The Eyes Of Texas Are On YOU, Rob!

Hehehe, somehow Acidman got his knickers in a twist and started ragging on Texas.

Sigh. Silly Rabbit. I never thought I'd have to fisk El Hombre De Acido, but when you pitch a softball like that... gotta take a swing!
Anybody who believes that Texas is a Southern state is either NOT Southern or NOT from Texas. Regardless of the source of their confusion, such people are confused.
I'll give Rob half-credit on this one. Texas is Southwest more than South.

Drive across Texas. The state is too goddam BIG to be Southern. About half of it looks like Mexico and the rest looks like NEW MEXICO. That ain't Southern.
Rob's conveniently left out over a third of the state with this statement. East Texas looks like any other pine forest from Georgia to Louisiana. The Gulf Coast has plenty of swamp and big ol' oak trees covered in Spanish moss. It's true, once you cross over I-35 heading west, things tend to dry out a bit and the terrain gets a bit bumpy. Big is GOOD, though. Big means room to expand, room to move. This is why Texans are more friendly and laid back, we're not all packed in next to each other like lab rats. Oh, and only parts of the Panhandle and the Llano Estacado look like New Mexico!

Go to a Texas barbecue. They cook BEEF, not pork. That ain't Southern barbecue.
Yup, we're cooking beef here. As I said in this post earlier about eating Texas BBQ..."Next stop was Angelo's BBQ, for a plate of the best ribs on earth. I know that's a bold claim, but these are truly Ribs Of The Gods. No sauce necessary. So good you almost carry out the stripped bones to suck on the rest of the afternoon. Nothing compares to these ribs, not K.C. BBQ or Memphis 'cue. I won't even relate this Sacred Texas Ambrosia with the abominations done in the Carolinas, (Ed. Note: AND JAWJA!!) where Minions of Satan profane the Holy Pig by sprinkling vinegar on its cooked flesh in a debauched baptismal ritual."

What's with the cowboy hats? "Southern" is a cap that says "Red Man Chewing Tobacco" on the front. Texas is a cowboy hat on a geek who rides computers for a living and never saw a fucking cow in his life. He's gotta have those roach-kicker boots, too. (You know.. the ones with the high heels and the pointy toes, so you can kill a roach in the corner of the kitchen where no other shoe will reach.) Don't forget the string tie and the rodeo belt buckle, which will get you laughed clean out of any self-respecting Southern bar.
Dude, how 1980 of you... You don't see too many people dressing like they did in 'Urban Cowboy' here in Texas nowadays. Hell, even we call those big ol' beltbuckles "tombstones for dead dicks". Nope, more gimme caps are worn in Texas than Stetsons. As for the boots, well, hell, they just look good! Lots better than those wide-toed brogans covered in red clay that seem to comprise 90% of the footwear in Georgia!

Texans remember the Alamo. Southerners remember Robert E. Lee.
As well we should! Name one other state that successfully fought for its independence, then existed as an independent country. Hmmm? Anyone? Kinda quiet over there! Now, ol' Marse Robert rightfully deserves a place in our Pantheon of Heroes, but in Texas, that's a crowded hall. He's got to get cozy with Houston, Austin, Crockett, Bowie, Travis, Bonham, et al. We also got a few good generals in the War of Northern Aggression like John Bell Hood (who pulled a mess of Yanks out of Georgia, btw) and Kirby Smith (who whipped the tar out of Yankee troops from the Ozarks to the Rio Grande).

Texans speak Tex-Mex. Southerners speak Geechee.
All I'll say here is that Hispanics are poised to sweep past blacks as the largest minority ethnic group in the U.S. Better learn to habla that Espanol, Rob. Tex-Mex is gonna sweep the South in the next 30 years.

Texans are extremely egotistical. Southerners are worse.
Well, it ain't braggin' if it's true!

Texans WANT to be Southern, but they don't quite make the cut. Southerners are Southern.
Texans ARE Southern, but we're also Western. We're big enough to do both. We've got everything a person could want in life, forests, mountains, ocean, rivers, wide open plains. About the only thing we can't offer you here in Texas is sub-zero winters and snow skiiing.

The best part about Texas? Anyone can apply. Just move here, and assume the Texas attitude. You'll fit right in. Like Lyle Lovett sings, "That's right, you're not from Texas, but Texas wants you anyway!" You'll never be a Native Texan, but it's not like we charge extra for you assimilated furriners.

OK, I'm done preaching. All rise for El Capitan's Texas Benediction, and we'll go get some 'cue after the service.

Take off them Stetsons (or gimme caps) and bow your heads, just for a minute!

Blessed Motherland, Our beautiful state, hallowed be thy name!
Thy rivers run, under red-gold sun,
On Earth, as it is in Texas.
Give us this day our daily BBQ,
And forgive us our pride, as we forgive those born in lesser lands.
Lead us not into Oklahoma, and deliver us some Shiner,
For thou art our beloved Republic, with the power and the glory, for ever and ever,