Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Chili For Real Texans

You Cincinatti Punks Can Kiss My Texas Ass!

Kim du Toit posted a request for people to submit chili recipes to a buddy of his over in the UK who needed a good one for a chili contest.

I took a look at some of the submitted recipes, and was dismayed at the general pussificatiousness of them. They were either using ground beef, or tomatoes, or beans, or some other effed-up ingredients (orange juice? WTF????), and giving Texas chili a bad name. Heck, one doofus recommended using corn, chocolate and rice. Bastard ought to be shot.

Naturally, I had to correct the situation, and submitted one of my own, based on the recipes used by the "chili queens" of San Antonio way back when. I make it every so often, though my friend Rockhauler (who has eaten this, and since regrown the skin on his tongue) warns me that it's etching off the ceramic coating on my stewpot.

So, here's a real Texas chili recipe from a gen-u-wine native Texan, a real "bowl of red". Please note that the "red" comes purely from chilis, and not from tomatoes. Eat a big heaping bowl, then go get the bottle of Rolaids. You'll need 'em.

Oh, yeah... if you add beans to this you will burn in the everlasting fires of Perdition for all eternity. Beans in chili are an abomination before the Lord, and he will not tolerate it.

Seriously Hot Texas Chili

2 pounds of beef, cut in half-inch cubes
1 pound of pork shoulder, cut in half-inch cubes
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup lard
3 medium-sized onions, chopped
6 garlic cloves, minced
1 quart water
4 ancho chiles
1 serrano chile pepper
6 dried red cayenne chiles
1 tbsp comino (cumin) seeds, freshly ground
2 tbsp Mexican oregano
2 tbsp masa harina
Salt to taste

Flour the beef and pork cubes lightly, then put it in a heavy chili pot (no cast iron! Ceramic-lined or stainless steel!) with the lard and cook, stirring often, until the meat is getting to that greyish-brown stage. Add the onions and garlic and cook until they are translucent and almost caramelized. Add the water to the pot and simmer slowly while you prepare the chile peppers. Remove stems and seeds from chiles and chop very finely. Grind chiles in a blender (DO NOT inhale the powder while opening the blender lid!!) and add to the pot, along with the cumin, oregano and salt. Simmer another 2 hours. Skim off some of the fat, or your heart will explode. If the chili needs thickening, stir in the masa harina about 10 minutes before you serve the chili, otherwise omit.
Serve with chopped raw onions and oyster crackers for a garnish, maybe some shredded cheese.