Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, May 29, 2009

Increasing Intolerance

Yo, Ho, Blow The Man Down!

I've been fairly lucky in the operation, care & maintenance of my digestive tract. It's largely trouble-free, and has been for as long as I can recall. Regular as clockwork, and the only time things got backed up were years ago after an an upper-GI Xray test, where they made me drink what seemed to be liquid concrete. Oh, then there was the day I had a big bowl of ranch dressing, and ended up eating most of a head of cauliflower and all of a big broccoli stalk. I regretted that the next day.

Everyone gets the Tijuana Trots every so often, but for me, it usually takes just one dose of Imodium or a couple of swigs of Pepto to set things in order.

My friends have not been so lucky. One buddy of mine was stricken with Crohn's Disease, which causes your entire GI tract to get imflamed and evacuate the contents under pressure.

Another was severely lactose-intolerant, so much so that all I had to do was wave a slice of cheese around and he'd be shittin' kittens. One guy I went to college with had a zero-sum GI tract. If something went in one hole, something HAD to exit at the other end. I can't count how many times we'd be out for dinner, and he'd have to leave his meal cooling on the table while he went to drop a deuce.

I've got a relative that's pretty much addicted to laxatives. Not in a anorexic way, more of a "scour the pipes weekly" kind of way.

As I age, though, I'm noticing some of these maladies creeping up on me. I think I'm seeing the beginning stages of lactose intolerance. I can still eat ice cream and cheese, and every month or so I'll get the urge for a pint of whole milk, and suffer no real ill effects from drinking it. I'm a-feered my days of drinking a quart at a time are gone forever...

Monday was a holiday, and I was determined to do nothing other than watch movies and eat ice cream. I very rarely buy ice cream, since it tends to get eaten all at once, no matter the size of the container. Since it was a holiday weekend, though, and I was already in a pissy mood from missing a trip out to the Hill Country, I went into full-comfort-food mode.

So six pints of Blue Bell in assorted flavors were purchased and put in the freezer, and then after a bit of errand-running, I stopped at Taco Bell for some take-out burritos to eat while watching some flicks.

You can see where this is going, can't you?

OK, when you eat 4 beef & bean burritos and 3 soft tacos with sour cream, then over the course of an afternoon & evening, scarf down 3 pints of ice cream, the calamity in your GI tract will become the stuff of legend.

Tuesday, I'm back at work, and feeling decidedly out of sorts. No matter how I managed to sit, I was uncomfortable, and I had sharp pains bouncing through my gut. About 3 pm, the first eruptions began.

Lords and Ladies, there are farts, and then there are Taco Bell/Blue Bell milky-beany-cheesy-creamy farts. The kind of farts that don't peel paint off the walls, but will blow ragged holes in the seat of your britches. The kind of farts that cause you to levitate 3" over your chair seat.

Just out of courtesy's sake, I made a beeline for the bathroom, just in case there was a special delivery to go along with the methane expolosion.

No such luck, and when you expel that much cubic footage of gas into a porcelain bowl whilst locked in a 6x6 tiled room, well, there's a reason they call it a Thunder Mug. I had to get back in my fabric office chair just to muffle the sound...

Comedian Ron White has a bit about taking such a huge dump your pants fit better. In this case, after the storm has passed, not only did my pants fit better, I think I went down a full shoe size and hat size!

Quick product plug: Ozium 3.5 oz. air freshener aerosol spray - $3.99 at Walgreen's.