Son Of El Capitan's Mini-Reviews
Flog The Dead Horse Some More!
1) Pickle Juice Sport - Yup, there's a sports quencher drink based on the flavor of dill pickle juice... Saw it on the shelf at the convenience store, and just couldn't believe someone actually brought it to market. Naturally, I had to guinea pig myself and do a taste test. Reading their website is a bit like watching the movie 'Idiocracy'. Their main selling point seems to be "Pickle Juice Sport has got a sh!tload of electrolytes in it! Electrolytes are good!!!"
The taste? Horrible. Dill-flavored vinegar. Maybe if they based it on sweet pickle juice, they'd have a winner. As it is, it's barely tolerable ice-cold, and when it gets a few degrees warmer, the vinegar aroma fills the room you're in, and choking down a gulp is almost impossible.
I'll stick with Gatorade and a couple of salt pills, thanks very much...
2) Arby's - Man, I used to love Arby's. Now, they're almost as expensive as a sit-down cloth-napkin restaurant, and the people behind the counter at the one nearest to me are hoodlums & thugs. Seriously, the last time I saw that many gang tattoos, I was watching an episode of 'Oz'.
Arby's, please, drop your prices by about a dollar an item, and I might come by more often. As it is, a large-size combo costs about 8 bucks. Add a shake or a turnover, and I'm over a Hamilton into the deal. Just Too Much!
Also, enough with the gotdam tiny paper cups. Everyone else in creation has 32 oz. plastic or foam cups that don't soak the bottom out and leak on your cupholder. Look into it! BTW, enjoyed the turkey/bacon wrap.
3) Self-Stick "Forever" stamps - I'm thinking about a home-equity loan to buy a few thousand dollars worth of these, and 20 years from now when y'all are paying $50 to mail a first-class envelope, I'll be sitting pretty.
4) MytiBurger - This local burger shop has been around for longer than I have. In spite of it being a few minutes driving distance from the neighborhood I've lived in since high school, I'd never eaten there. I decided to remedy that fact, and found out I could have waited another decade without missing much.
The steak finger dinner was the typical freezer-to-fryer special. Fries just OK, cream gravy edible after adding mucho black pepper. Patty melt was a greasy mess inside, dry toast outside. Bonus points for 44 oz. foam cups and cubelet ice.
Do yourself a solid and go get a double-double with onion rings at Whatabuger instead.
5) Protein Bars - OK, I know eating healthy isn't always a culinary delight. In an effort to reduce my weekly intake of sausage, egg & cheese croissants & hash browns, I've been substituting the MET-Rx protein bars, which is cutting the calorie intake by more than half.
Look, I expect these bars to taste like ass, but do they have to be as heavy as a brick and just as easy to chew? Send the bars through that gizmo that puffs up Rice Krispies and Corn Pops. I don't care if it ends up being the size of my head, but I do need my teeth to still be usable in later years.
6) Lipton Brisk Diet Iced Tea - I'm not hip enough for my iced tea. I drink this stuff 'cause I can buy it at the local Quikee-Mart for a buck a liter, and it doesn't taste bad as long as it's cold.
I don't fit Lipton's target demographic, I fear. See, the labels got all these cool, hip people on it doing cool hip things. Well, it's some marketing weasels idea of cool & hip, but still...
You've got some black chick with an Angela Davis-style 'fro and huge Gucci shades, some vaguely Indo-Asian guy wearing a pukka-shell necklace and a wife beater t-shirt. There's some Samoan-looking dude looking to rock out with his cock out, and then there's the pimp-looking guy that's doing a rear-entry maneuver on his blond corn-rowed 'ho who's got her hands on his ass.
Nowhere on the label is a big pudgy guy schlepping a bag full of protein bars and science fiction novels... Oh well.
1) Pickle Juice Sport - Yup, there's a sports quencher drink based on the flavor of dill pickle juice... Saw it on the shelf at the convenience store, and just couldn't believe someone actually brought it to market. Naturally, I had to guinea pig myself and do a taste test. Reading their website is a bit like watching the movie 'Idiocracy'. Their main selling point seems to be "Pickle Juice Sport has got a sh!tload of electrolytes in it! Electrolytes are good!!!"
The taste? Horrible. Dill-flavored vinegar. Maybe if they based it on sweet pickle juice, they'd have a winner. As it is, it's barely tolerable ice-cold, and when it gets a few degrees warmer, the vinegar aroma fills the room you're in, and choking down a gulp is almost impossible.
I'll stick with Gatorade and a couple of salt pills, thanks very much...
2) Arby's - Man, I used to love Arby's. Now, they're almost as expensive as a sit-down cloth-napkin restaurant, and the people behind the counter at the one nearest to me are hoodlums & thugs. Seriously, the last time I saw that many gang tattoos, I was watching an episode of 'Oz'.
Arby's, please, drop your prices by about a dollar an item, and I might come by more often. As it is, a large-size combo costs about 8 bucks. Add a shake or a turnover, and I'm over a Hamilton into the deal. Just Too Much!
Also, enough with the gotdam tiny paper cups. Everyone else in creation has 32 oz. plastic or foam cups that don't soak the bottom out and leak on your cupholder. Look into it! BTW, enjoyed the turkey/bacon wrap.
3) Self-Stick "Forever" stamps - I'm thinking about a home-equity loan to buy a few thousand dollars worth of these, and 20 years from now when y'all are paying $50 to mail a first-class envelope, I'll be sitting pretty.
4) MytiBurger - This local burger shop has been around for longer than I have. In spite of it being a few minutes driving distance from the neighborhood I've lived in since high school, I'd never eaten there. I decided to remedy that fact, and found out I could have waited another decade without missing much.
The steak finger dinner was the typical freezer-to-fryer special. Fries just OK, cream gravy edible after adding mucho black pepper. Patty melt was a greasy mess inside, dry toast outside. Bonus points for 44 oz. foam cups and cubelet ice.
Do yourself a solid and go get a double-double with onion rings at Whatabuger instead.
5) Protein Bars - OK, I know eating healthy isn't always a culinary delight. In an effort to reduce my weekly intake of sausage, egg & cheese croissants & hash browns, I've been substituting the MET-Rx protein bars, which is cutting the calorie intake by more than half.
Look, I expect these bars to taste like ass, but do they have to be as heavy as a brick and just as easy to chew? Send the bars through that gizmo that puffs up Rice Krispies and Corn Pops. I don't care if it ends up being the size of my head, but I do need my teeth to still be usable in later years.
6) Lipton Brisk Diet Iced Tea - I'm not hip enough for my iced tea. I drink this stuff 'cause I can buy it at the local Quikee-Mart for a buck a liter, and it doesn't taste bad as long as it's cold.
I don't fit Lipton's target demographic, I fear. See, the labels got all these cool, hip people on it doing cool hip things. Well, it's some marketing weasels idea of cool & hip, but still...
You've got some black chick with an Angela Davis-style 'fro and huge Gucci shades, some vaguely Indo-Asian guy wearing a pukka-shell necklace and a wife beater t-shirt. There's some Samoan-looking dude looking to rock out with his cock out, and then there's the pimp-looking guy that's doing a rear-entry maneuver on his blond corn-rowed 'ho who's got her hands on his ass.
Nowhere on the label is a big pudgy guy schlepping a bag full of protein bars and science fiction novels... Oh well.
posted by El Capitan | 4:50 PM
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