Flying The Red-Eye

I Used To Get Red-Eye From More Enjoyable Means...

I crashed early last night. I've been feeling a bit blah the last few days, and didn't have the energy to stay up late websurfing.

I wake up at some wee hour of the morning, and stumble to the can to offload the dregs of the 44 oz. SuperGonzoGulp of Diet Coke I had with dinner. Along the way, both cats were evicted from my bedroom via the cunning strategy of tossing kittytreats down the hallway.

I can barely keep my eyes open. Hell, I can't hardly shut 'em either. Serious discomfort is emanating from my eyeballs.

That ring of high wattage bulbs around the vanity mirror lighting up after the trip down the pitch-dark hallway is like a spike right through my brain via the eye sockets. God knows why I still have 'em in there, there hasn't been a female setting foot in this bathroom, let alone applying makeup via the mirror, in ages.

My eyes look more like rotting Roma tomatoes set in some scabrous cavern. Both are swollen and bloodshot, and there's some nasty crud glopped in the corners of my eyelids.

Washing them with water didn't accomplish anything. Not a drop of Visine in the house, either. I stopped buying eyedrops around the same time I stopped buying rolling papers.

Sheer misery. Couldn't keep 'em open, but shutting my eyes hurt even worse. Finally I fell asleep, and woke up with nary a problem. Everything was back to normal.

I'm thinking Betsy Cat positioned herself in between my face and the electric fan, forcing a nonstop stream of cat dander into my sinuses for several hours. One of these days I'm gonna shave her and wrap her up in duct tape and solve that problem once & for all...