Fat Rats Shat Flat Hats

Sartorial Scribblings In A Satirical Style

I don't much care for berets.

Yeah, yeah, I know, they're worn by 82% of the world's military, including the most skilled, deadly and heroic outfits known to mankind.

It's just that aesthetics aside, they're one of the more useless items of headgear available. No brim to shield the sun, no trailing edge to keep your neck covered. A knit watch cap would do a better job of keeping your head warm, and a lowly boonie hat would be better in the rain. The only hat more functionally useless than a beret is the garrison cap (aka pisscutter or c**t cap).

I'm not even all that wowed by the looks of a beret. Ever since I saw this picture of Oolong the Rabbit, every time I see a person wearing a beret, I mentally substitute a bunny wearing a pancake on his head.



Making things worse are the people that wear military-style berets that just aren't suited to that style of hat. If you're an unwashed French painter, you can wear a floppy beret with the nipple on top and be perfectly OK. If you're a Scottish, you can wear their variety of beret, the tam o' shanter. (Not to be confused with the Tam O' Sixguns!)
If you're a scrawny black guitarist from Minneapolis, you can wear a raspberry beret. If you're fit and in shape, and have a lean & hungry look about you, you can wear the military-style beret and no one will say 'Boo'.

If, however, you resemble John Goodman after a cheesecake bender, perhaps you ought to look into a different hat choice than a military-style beret. You'll just end up looking like a poseur, no matter how well the beret fits.

And alas, it rarely fits. I can't count the times I see some doofus with his beret pulled so low it looks more like a chef's toque. It's not a condom, dude. Quit rolling it down!

Here's a handy guide to beret-wearing that I stumbled across. If you must wear a pancake on your head, heed these instructions!