What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
Do You Really Want To Know, Mom?
With the big 4-0 approaching, I've been getting pestered by Mom to let her know what I want as a birthday present.
I usually try to lowball Mom & Dad, because what I want and what they can afford are often separated by hundreds or thousands of dollars.
I've also got a few close friends who try to surprise me with something nifty, 'cause I can never really think of something I'd like when they ask what's on my list.
Well, I've actually given this some thought, in honor of it being my 40th trip around the sun this week. What can you get a man turning 40?
Something absolutely pointless and/or frivolous, that's what!!
Sure, I could use cash to fix the truck, and there's nagging bills outstanding, and I could stand to get some dental work done. But that's so boring and mundane, it just doesn't need to get mentioned in the same sentence as "birthday present".
No, what I'm wanting are things that make no practical sense at all. Things I'll get no use out of, and just clutter up the house and allow me to say "Yes, I own one!" Some of these items I've wanted for decades, others are more recent wishes.
So, that being said, here's my list:
(and THAT being said, let me also say that this is NOT a bleg or a gift solicitation! This list is for my amusement, and hopefully, for your amusement as well!)
#1 - GORILLA SUIT
Tops of my Want List for a long time. Being as large as I am, it's harder than it might seem to get one that'll fit. I may need to have a custom job run up.
#2 - STUFFED MOOSE HEAD
I don't have the room for a real one, so one of the stuffed animal variety will do just fine. If I can get one that looks just like Mr. Moose from the Captain Kangaroo Show, I will jump for joy!
#3 - BOOTSY COLLINS STAR SUNGLASSES
I was in 3rd or 4th grade, and Mom took me to the high school she was teaching at to let me watch their student talent show. A bunch of kids were doing Parliament/Funkadelic cover songs, and I absolutely had to have a pair of the Bootsy Collins shades.
#3A - MIRRORED CONTACT LENSES
What could be cooler than pulling off your Bootsy Collins shades and having your shades still on your eyeballs?
#4 - A BIG WHEEL
Never had one as a kid. No, I won't be able to ride it these days. I can, however, hang it on my wall as an objet d'art, and delight in teaching my niece and nephew valuable life lessons in impulse denial and patience by refusing to let them ride it.
#5 - BEAR PAW SLIPPERS
Another item I've always wanted, but never acquired.
#6 - JET SPRAY FOUNTAIN DRINK CHILLER
I meant to liberate one of these from Scout Camp before my final departure, but that would have gone against the Scout Law, wouldn't it?
#7 - A FRUIT BAT
Hey, I like bats. These are huge, and should scare my neighbors shitless.
#8 - A WHITE SUIT
For my occasional Tony Montana/Cash Bailey moments.
#9 - AN ICE MAKER/DISPENSER
You can never have too much ice on hand. I love a tall frosty drink full of ice. It also comes in handy when you need to chill a body down prior to dissection. You know what they say about chilled meat slicing easier...
#10 - A GIGANTIC SOMBRERO
When I finally get up to the Boomershoot, I want to be wearing one of these as a combination sunshade/"don't shoot me" warning flag. Plus, I can wave it wildly about and shout "OLÉ!" whenever I hit a reactive target.
#11 - A DONKEY
I'd take a mule, too. They're fun to have around. They can pull your cart, carry your stuff, and kick the crap out of wandering coyotes that try to molest your goats. They can't molest my goats! Only *I* can molest my goats!
#12 - GOATS
Oh, Yeah, gotta have some goats for cheese, milk and BBQ cabrito on the weekends. Also, they'll keep the yard mowed.
#13 - MOUNTED LONGHORNS
Gotta have a few of these! One for the truck, one for the den, one in the kitchen, one in the bathroom (towel rack), and one dangling from the bedroom ceiling like a trapeze. C'mere, ya purty li'l heifer! I got mah spurs on!
#14 - NATARAJA
Takes too long to explain... I'd like a large museum-quality bronze of the Dancing God.
#15 - A BAGPIPE
Because I'm much more considerate to my neighbors than they deserve. This squealer would bring that routine to a screeching halt...
And there you have it... El Capitan's 40th Birthday Wish list!!
With the big 4-0 approaching, I've been getting pestered by Mom to let her know what I want as a birthday present.
I usually try to lowball Mom & Dad, because what I want and what they can afford are often separated by hundreds or thousands of dollars.
I've also got a few close friends who try to surprise me with something nifty, 'cause I can never really think of something I'd like when they ask what's on my list.
Well, I've actually given this some thought, in honor of it being my 40th trip around the sun this week. What can you get a man turning 40?
Something absolutely pointless and/or frivolous, that's what!!
Sure, I could use cash to fix the truck, and there's nagging bills outstanding, and I could stand to get some dental work done. But that's so boring and mundane, it just doesn't need to get mentioned in the same sentence as "birthday present".
No, what I'm wanting are things that make no practical sense at all. Things I'll get no use out of, and just clutter up the house and allow me to say "Yes, I own one!" Some of these items I've wanted for decades, others are more recent wishes.
So, that being said, here's my list:
(and THAT being said, let me also say that this is NOT a bleg or a gift solicitation! This list is for my amusement, and hopefully, for your amusement as well!)
#1 - GORILLA SUIT
Tops of my Want List for a long time. Being as large as I am, it's harder than it might seem to get one that'll fit. I may need to have a custom job run up.
#2 - STUFFED MOOSE HEAD
I don't have the room for a real one, so one of the stuffed animal variety will do just fine. If I can get one that looks just like Mr. Moose from the Captain Kangaroo Show, I will jump for joy!
#3 - BOOTSY COLLINS STAR SUNGLASSES
I was in 3rd or 4th grade, and Mom took me to the high school she was teaching at to let me watch their student talent show. A bunch of kids were doing Parliament/Funkadelic cover songs, and I absolutely had to have a pair of the Bootsy Collins shades.
#3A - MIRRORED CONTACT LENSES
What could be cooler than pulling off your Bootsy Collins shades and having your shades still on your eyeballs?
#4 - A BIG WHEEL
Never had one as a kid. No, I won't be able to ride it these days. I can, however, hang it on my wall as an objet d'art, and delight in teaching my niece and nephew valuable life lessons in impulse denial and patience by refusing to let them ride it.
#5 - BEAR PAW SLIPPERS
Another item I've always wanted, but never acquired.
#6 - JET SPRAY FOUNTAIN DRINK CHILLER
I meant to liberate one of these from Scout Camp before my final departure, but that would have gone against the Scout Law, wouldn't it?
#7 - A FRUIT BAT
Hey, I like bats. These are huge, and should scare my neighbors shitless.
#8 - A WHITE SUIT
For my occasional Tony Montana/Cash Bailey moments.
#9 - AN ICE MAKER/DISPENSER
You can never have too much ice on hand. I love a tall frosty drink full of ice. It also comes in handy when you need to chill a body down prior to dissection. You know what they say about chilled meat slicing easier...
#10 - A GIGANTIC SOMBRERO
When I finally get up to the Boomershoot, I want to be wearing one of these as a combination sunshade/"don't shoot me" warning flag. Plus, I can wave it wildly about and shout "OLÉ!" whenever I hit a reactive target.
#11 - A DONKEY
I'd take a mule, too. They're fun to have around. They can pull your cart, carry your stuff, and kick the crap out of wandering coyotes that try to molest your goats. They can't molest my goats! Only *I* can molest my goats!
#12 - GOATS
Oh, Yeah, gotta have some goats for cheese, milk and BBQ cabrito on the weekends. Also, they'll keep the yard mowed.
#13 - MOUNTED LONGHORNS
Gotta have a few of these! One for the truck, one for the den, one in the kitchen, one in the bathroom (towel rack), and one dangling from the bedroom ceiling like a trapeze. C'mere, ya purty li'l heifer! I got mah spurs on!
#14 - NATARAJA
Takes too long to explain... I'd like a large museum-quality bronze of the Dancing God.
#15 - A BAGPIPE
Because I'm much more considerate to my neighbors than they deserve. This squealer would bring that routine to a screeching halt...
And there you have it... El Capitan's 40th Birthday Wish list!!
posted by El Capitan | 10:18 PM
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