Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

My Photo
Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

El Capitan's Fashion Tips

I May Have A New Career Here...

OK, I am not really a fashion-conscious person. I have never watched an episode of 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy', and the whole "metrosexual" trend kind of creeps me out. Normally all I require of my clothing is that it cover my expanding epidermis, and be reasonably clean and neat. Beyond that, I don't really pay attention to haute couture.

However, due to societal osmosis, or possibly my daily visit to The Manolo, I have begun to notice certain fashion faux pas that really need addressing. Some things are obvious even to the novice fashion observer. F'rinstance, if you are female, and starting to develop the chunkroll about the midsection, the tube top and/or camisole are no longer viable options for outdoor wear. For guys who sprout the bear pelt on back and shoulders, you lose your license to wear in public both tank tops and wifebeater undershirts. These simple rules are necessary for a harmonious and eye-pleasing society.

Other fashion errors are harder to spot, but for some reason I'm starting to pick up on them more and more. Here's a few I've seen lately, mostly on the METRO commuter buses:

If you are the young woman who unfortunately carries a few extra pounds and due to round cheeks and bulbous chin has a distressing resemblance to Mrs. Doubtfire, do NOT compound the similarity by wearing the granny-print dresses and the round-lensed eyeglasses! You need the dark slacks, the oval glasses and the snazzy blouses to adjust your image from frump to "Yeah, I'm big, but I look GOOD!"

If you are the young professional man taking your first job downtown, kudos to you for having the foresight to buy the $500 suit and the Johnston & Murphy wingtips. You almost look sharp! You completely blew the image, though, by attaching that $4.99 rayon tie to the ensemble.
Silk ties are expensive, but if you treat them well and do not douse them in your soup, they will last many years. For an Asst. Manager at Long John Silvers, yeah, a cheap tie will suffice. If you wear the Corporate Armor, though, spending less than $50 on a tie does you a disservice.

For the wimmens... I am not sure of the name of the fingernail polish style where the nail beds are painted in a clear gloss, and the nail tips are done in white. This is the "French Manicure", perhaps? OK, this looks good on your fingers, but you must NOT do this to your toes. It makes you look like you have not trimmed your toenails in months, and have huge talons hanging over the edge of your otherwise stylish sandals. Make this guy happy, and just paint 'em fire engine red.

If you are actively performing a clogging dance, then clogs are OK as footwear. At no other time are they acceptable. Ditto for Birkenstocks, unless you are at a Grateful Dead show, or shopping at Whole Foods Market. If you are still wearing those horrible "earth shoes", let me be the first to congratulate you for walking like a Holstein heifer since 1977.

I'm sure I'll think of more later. Perhaps ideas on which articles of clothing are most useful in concealing your .45 auto while at the beach.