Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Elusive Green Dragon

El Capitan's OTHER Crockpot Recipe

OK, this one's a hypothetical recipe. In other words, it's possible someone somewhere has made this recipe, but if they did, they're not admitting to it. God knows I'm not 'fessing up to anything.

Rumor has it this recipe was found scrawled on the back of a Grateful Dead set list torn off a stage monitor back in the mid 80's. Or, it was the result of several brainy stoners with too much money and free time. Hard to say, really.

OK, here's the obligatory disclaimer. COOKING WITH HIGH-PROOF ALCOHOL IS COMPLETLY EFFING INSANE!! DON'T DO IT! In fact, don't even read any further. Just say no. Go here, and give thanks you've got some self-control.

Still here? OK, it's your ass if you mess this up. You'll likely burn down your shack and live out your life inside a crispy yet oddly tender shell.

This recipe has allegedly been done over a bunsen burner, then a gas stove, then an electric "hotplate" burner. In neither case did the ChemLab/rent house/dorm room burn down, but that's due to being extremely lucky. Doing it in a Crockpot will take longer, but should achieve similar results with less risk of SUDDEN UNEXPLAINED DETONATIONS AND ALL-CONSUMING CONFLAGRATIONS!!!

Into a Crockpot, pour 750 ml lab-grade ethanol. If your Chemistry grad student buddy has graduated and no longer raids the ChemLab supply closet, then substitute 190 proof Everclear or similar high-proof ethanol. Don't use anything lower than 100 proof, and Bacardi 151 Rum is not recommended due to taste reasons. Stick with vodkas. To my knowledge, neither Slivovitz nor absinthe have been tried as the extracting liquid, but you're just asking for trouble there.

Turn on Crockpot set to low, cover, and seal lid with plastic wrap. You don't want all your alkyhol drifting off into the atmosphere as fumes. Oh, speaking of fumes... PUT OUT THAT G-DDAMNED CIGARETTE! PUT DOWN THE BONG, IDJIT!! No open flames anywhere near this stuff! Those fumes are flammable, @$$hole!

When your alcohol is quite warm (don't go for the boil, which is actually at 172 deg. F), carefully peel off the wrap, open the lid, and drop in about 1/2 ounce of your favorite green aromatic herb, finely chopped. Stems and seeds are OK. You can probably guess which herb I mean, and it ain't tarragon. Stir until it's well mixed, then cut off the heat, re-cover and let it steep.

After it's cooled, pour the liquid into a separate container, straining out the vegetation. Repeat the process with a second 750 ml bottle of alcohol, using the same batch of herb.

After the second steeping, you've gotten everything out of the herb worth getting. After straining, wrap the "tea leaves" in a coffee filter and go stash it in your boss's car. Combine the two brews into one container, preferably one with a tight fitting lid. Keep this stuff in the fridge.

Now, you've got 1/2 gallon, more or less, of a sickly green looking brew. If you're smart, you'll go pour it down the drain and avoid a lot of trouble. However, you've read this far, so your smart-meter might be on the low side!

You can toss back this stuff as shots, but bear in mind that if you do more than 2-3 ounces, you're gonna be hanging on to the carpet for dear life for the better part of 6-8 hours. You're getting all the benefits of high-proof alcohol, AND the added thrill of extracted THC. Oops, I meant oregano extract. Basically, you're drunk & stoned using the same liquid.

Now, rumor has it you can mix up an entire can (makes 2.5 gallons) of powdered Gatorade drink mix according to the can recipe, add enough crushed ice so it's slushy, then add in 32 oz. of simple syrup and the 1/2 gallon of your herb brew. That's got enough horsepower to get a whole herd of hippies turned on, tuned in and dropping out for several hours.

There it is, kiddies. The long-fabled recipe for Green Dragon. Approach with caution, and ingest at your peril!