Return Of The Booze Reviews
Where We Thrill In The Spill Of The Swill
My buddy Zibig and I drop by a local convenience store looking for a bit of liquid refreshment this evening. I had scoped out this store earlier, and noticed they had a world-class selection of godawful brewed beverages. Naturally, I had to lure Zibig in there so we could dare each other into sampling the worst stuff the beer trade had to offer.
We were not disappointed! There's truly some nasty hooch available out there.
Zibig availed himself of a huge bottle of Mickey's Malt Liquor. I've had Mickey's way too many times in the past, and the added attraction of having it served in a bottle the size of a WWII torpedo held no thrills for me. So, I left him to guzzle that one, and I went with a collection of smaller, yet no less pungent offerings.
First out of the gate was a 16 oz can of the pride of Milwaukee, Pabst Blue Ribbon. If you're looking for a cheap beer without any character, this is your baby. You'd best guzzle it fresh out of the ice chest, 'cause as soon as it starts to warm up, there's a somewhat skunky aroma that starts to waft up. Now, if this was bottled beer that had maybe sat in the sunlight, I could understand a bit of skunkiness. Out of a can, though?
Mediocre yet drinkable beer, boys & girls. El Capitan gives it only 4 pulltabs.
Next up was a local offering, a tall can of Lone Star. Oddly enough, Lone Star is now owned by the Pabst Brewing Company, which also owns Pearl beer. I haven't seen a can of Texas Pride in a long time, so it looks like all of the cheap Texas beer is now provided by Yankee brewers. Well, that explains why it sucks so bad. If you want a decent Texas brew, ya gotta go with a Shiner.
It's hard to describe just how bad this can of Lone Star was. Regional pride notwithstanding, I can honestly say I'd rather drink a can of Coors Light than try Lone Star again. It's a disgrace to the state's image, and the brewers should all have their heads on spikes outside the Alamo's walls. Pure, unadulterated horsepiss.
El Capitan gives it two pulltabs, and that's only because a dead mouse didn't roll out of the can into his mouth. They get an extra pulltab for good exterminators.
Next, to complete the Blue Velvet duo of beers, I went with a can of Heineken.
For the record, it was a hell of a lot better than the previous two, but it's still not what I consider to be a great beer. IMHO, Heineken is a beer calculated to be as inoffensive as possible in order to appeal to the widest audience. There's hardly a lick of hops in this brew, and it's almost sweet to the taste. Add to that a hefty price tag, and you get a beer custom made for hipsters who don't really like beer, but want to be seen drinking an import.
Frankly, I was bored with it after the 3rd sip. Give me an India Pale Ale any day over this kiddie crap.
Six pulltabs, but it really only deserves five. It gets the extra pulltab for coming in a big keg-shaped can that seemed to hold the cold better than a Foster's "oilcan".
The last one has to be seen to be believed. Every so often I'll buy some of the 'flavored malt beverages', just to see what they taste like. Most of 'em are pretty bad, but every so often one will surprise you by tasting OK. This was not one of those times...
When I saw the bottle on the way out, I knew I had to drop $1.39 on this beast. Here's the bottle in all its glory:
Heh. Pink Dragon! If the name doesn't get ya, the neon pink color will! I looked up their website, and rapidly discovered I'm NOT their target audience with this drink. I'm too male and too pale, which might explain why I thought this tasted like sweat from a pig's tail.
Supposedly, it's a 'exotic tropical/citrus blend'. Hmmm, I thought it tasted more like overly-sweet pink lemonade that someone had poured three ounces of rubbing alcohol into.
Not good, folks. Pass this one by! Go with the Smirnoff Ice if you want a frou-frou drink. Three pulltabs and a shot of bourbon to wash out the cloying taste.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more Booze Reviews, but don't hold your breath or anything!
My buddy Zibig and I drop by a local convenience store looking for a bit of liquid refreshment this evening. I had scoped out this store earlier, and noticed they had a world-class selection of godawful brewed beverages. Naturally, I had to lure Zibig in there so we could dare each other into sampling the worst stuff the beer trade had to offer.
We were not disappointed! There's truly some nasty hooch available out there.
Zibig availed himself of a huge bottle of Mickey's Malt Liquor. I've had Mickey's way too many times in the past, and the added attraction of having it served in a bottle the size of a WWII torpedo held no thrills for me. So, I left him to guzzle that one, and I went with a collection of smaller, yet no less pungent offerings.
First out of the gate was a 16 oz can of the pride of Milwaukee, Pabst Blue Ribbon. If you're looking for a cheap beer without any character, this is your baby. You'd best guzzle it fresh out of the ice chest, 'cause as soon as it starts to warm up, there's a somewhat skunky aroma that starts to waft up. Now, if this was bottled beer that had maybe sat in the sunlight, I could understand a bit of skunkiness. Out of a can, though?
Mediocre yet drinkable beer, boys & girls. El Capitan gives it only 4 pulltabs.
Next up was a local offering, a tall can of Lone Star. Oddly enough, Lone Star is now owned by the Pabst Brewing Company, which also owns Pearl beer. I haven't seen a can of Texas Pride in a long time, so it looks like all of the cheap Texas beer is now provided by Yankee brewers. Well, that explains why it sucks so bad. If you want a decent Texas brew, ya gotta go with a Shiner.
It's hard to describe just how bad this can of Lone Star was. Regional pride notwithstanding, I can honestly say I'd rather drink a can of Coors Light than try Lone Star again. It's a disgrace to the state's image, and the brewers should all have their heads on spikes outside the Alamo's walls. Pure, unadulterated horsepiss.
El Capitan gives it two pulltabs, and that's only because a dead mouse didn't roll out of the can into his mouth. They get an extra pulltab for good exterminators.
Next, to complete the Blue Velvet duo of beers, I went with a can of Heineken.
For the record, it was a hell of a lot better than the previous two, but it's still not what I consider to be a great beer. IMHO, Heineken is a beer calculated to be as inoffensive as possible in order to appeal to the widest audience. There's hardly a lick of hops in this brew, and it's almost sweet to the taste. Add to that a hefty price tag, and you get a beer custom made for hipsters who don't really like beer, but want to be seen drinking an import.
Frankly, I was bored with it after the 3rd sip. Give me an India Pale Ale any day over this kiddie crap.
Six pulltabs, but it really only deserves five. It gets the extra pulltab for coming in a big keg-shaped can that seemed to hold the cold better than a Foster's "oilcan".
The last one has to be seen to be believed. Every so often I'll buy some of the 'flavored malt beverages', just to see what they taste like. Most of 'em are pretty bad, but every so often one will surprise you by tasting OK. This was not one of those times...
When I saw the bottle on the way out, I knew I had to drop $1.39 on this beast. Here's the bottle in all its glory:
Heh. Pink Dragon! If the name doesn't get ya, the neon pink color will! I looked up their website, and rapidly discovered I'm NOT their target audience with this drink. I'm too male and too pale, which might explain why I thought this tasted like sweat from a pig's tail.
Supposedly, it's a 'exotic tropical/citrus blend'. Hmmm, I thought it tasted more like overly-sweet pink lemonade that someone had poured three ounces of rubbing alcohol into.
Not good, folks. Pass this one by! Go with the Smirnoff Ice if you want a frou-frou drink. Three pulltabs and a shot of bourbon to wash out the cloying taste.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more Booze Reviews, but don't hold your breath or anything!
posted by El Capitan | 10:57 PM
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