Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

My Photo
Location: Texas, United States

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Pineapple Bastards

Some People Will Do Anything To Make A Buck...

I'm in the local Walgreen's this morning buying some marmot oil, extract of iguana pudenda and the last dusty bottle of Romilar in existence, when I see a sign:


I'm a big fan of dried apricots and apples, and so I look a little closer. Hmmm.. kinda small boxes, only 5 ounces. The raisins and prunes looked really foul, as did the apricots. The only thing appetizing was the dried pineapple, 'cause it's really hard (I thought) to screw up dried pineapple.

Well, it was until now.

This wasn't just dried pineapple, it was mango-flavored dried pineapple. Why in the world would you take a perfectly tasty fruit and make it taste like another? I was soon to discover why.

Inside the box was not the usual assortment of wedge-shaped pineapple chunks. Nope, these were all fairly uniform oblong slices of a mango-colored substance. Looked kinda like carrots that had been chopped along the bias for stir-fry. How odd.

They tasted OK, strong mango flavor, if a bit fibrous in texture. Then, it hit me.

If you were to take the hard woody core of the pineapple, the part usually discarded, you could probably gin up a process where you slice it thin, douse it in a mixture of mango flavoring, sugar and some chemicals, then pop it in a pressure cooker for 18 hours until the vegetable fibers cooked down, you could then dry the chips and quite honestly sell it as dried pineapple. The mango flavoring replaces the natural flavoring cooked out of the fruit in the process of softening up the core.

You sneaky pineapple bastards. Y'all ought to be ashamed of yourselves!