Can't You Take A Hint??
Obtuseness Is A Legitimate Personality Trait!
Relationships are like getting injections of dopamine right to the brain, interrupted occasionally by having your 'nads massaged with a cheese grater. In otherwords, sheer bliss punctuated with extreme misery.
Army of Mom has a delightful post up today, which will no doubt get her booted from the Conniving Wimmens Testicle-Twisting Club for revealing deep dark secrets about relationships! Go read it. I'll wait.
She's absolutely right about which she speaks. Men don't take hints real well. Some things, we get perfectly well. F'rinstance... a deep sigh when we're driving through a nice neighborhood full of big houses means one thing... Get off your ass and find a better job, save more money, I'm tired of living in this rathole apartment! That one's easy enough.
Finding all your clothes on the front yard and the locks changed? Well, that one's pretty clear too.
Subtle hints? Not gonna happen. Let me give you an example of what I speak:
El Capitan and Significant Other 2.0 were wandering through a shopping mall. Over the course of 2 hours or so, we enter approximately 40 stores, and view literally hundreds of items offered for sale. On at least 1/4 of the items viewed, one of the following phrases was uttered by S.O. 2.0:
"That's pretty!"
"What do you think about this?"
"This would look really nice in the den."
"How do you like the color on this?"
"This is nice! Is it on sale?"
"Do you think this would go with (random clothing article)?"
"Take a look at this!"
"I wonder if they make this in a navy blue?"
"Do you think (random friend) would like this?"
OK, fast forward 4 months to S.O. 2.0's birthday. El Capitan drops a wad at the jewelry store for shiny baubles, only to have S.O. burst into tears, followed by throwing a walleyed conniption fit for not getting her what she asked for. After all, she'd specifically pointed it out! You horrible unfeeling brute!
Quit nodding your head in agreement, ladies...
What did she ask for? I'll give you a hint. It was one of those 200+ items commented on at the mall, and the key phrase I should have clued in on was one of the 9 phrases listed above. Yup, one phrase uttered 120 days previously was supposed to have conveyed her deep burning need to own the indicated item, lodge in my memory, and compel me to purcase said item months in the future. Had I just picked up on her hint, all would have been well.
Anyone ever learn a foreign language? In some languages, the tense or declension you use literally conveys the message. The word order and vocal inflection aren't as important as the form used.
What we need is a form of English that conveys the need to buy the correct things. I think I have an idea how to go about this...
"Hey, Male Person with boinking privileges! This object appeals to me! Purchase it at once, or lose those privileges!"
See? We'd listen to that...
So, here's some other phrases that might help improve the communication process:
NO "Have you ever been to Cancun?"
YES "We are NOT going to your mother's for Xmas!"
NO "I've had SUCH a hard day..."
YES "I want oral sex."
NO "This house is such a mess."
YES "Get your got-damn skivvies off the bathroom floor!"
NO "I fed Mr. Tiddles & Fuzziekins already."
YES "Your turn to scoop out the litterbox!"
NO "Can we cuddle?"
YES "You move over into the wet spot."
Relationships are like getting injections of dopamine right to the brain, interrupted occasionally by having your 'nads massaged with a cheese grater. In otherwords, sheer bliss punctuated with extreme misery.
Army of Mom has a delightful post up today, which will no doubt get her booted from the Conniving Wimmens Testicle-Twisting Club for revealing deep dark secrets about relationships! Go read it. I'll wait.
She's absolutely right about which she speaks. Men don't take hints real well. Some things, we get perfectly well. F'rinstance... a deep sigh when we're driving through a nice neighborhood full of big houses means one thing... Get off your ass and find a better job, save more money, I'm tired of living in this rathole apartment! That one's easy enough.
Finding all your clothes on the front yard and the locks changed? Well, that one's pretty clear too.
Subtle hints? Not gonna happen. Let me give you an example of what I speak:
El Capitan and Significant Other 2.0 were wandering through a shopping mall. Over the course of 2 hours or so, we enter approximately 40 stores, and view literally hundreds of items offered for sale. On at least 1/4 of the items viewed, one of the following phrases was uttered by S.O. 2.0:
"That's pretty!"
"What do you think about this?"
"This would look really nice in the den."
"How do you like the color on this?"
"This is nice! Is it on sale?"
"Do you think this would go with (random clothing article)?"
"Take a look at this!"
"I wonder if they make this in a navy blue?"
"Do you think (random friend) would like this?"
OK, fast forward 4 months to S.O. 2.0's birthday. El Capitan drops a wad at the jewelry store for shiny baubles, only to have S.O. burst into tears, followed by throwing a walleyed conniption fit for not getting her what she asked for. After all, she'd specifically pointed it out! You horrible unfeeling brute!
Quit nodding your head in agreement, ladies...
What did she ask for? I'll give you a hint. It was one of those 200+ items commented on at the mall, and the key phrase I should have clued in on was one of the 9 phrases listed above. Yup, one phrase uttered 120 days previously was supposed to have conveyed her deep burning need to own the indicated item, lodge in my memory, and compel me to purcase said item months in the future. Had I just picked up on her hint, all would have been well.
Anyone ever learn a foreign language? In some languages, the tense or declension you use literally conveys the message. The word order and vocal inflection aren't as important as the form used.
What we need is a form of English that conveys the need to buy the correct things. I think I have an idea how to go about this...
"Hey, Male Person with boinking privileges! This object appeals to me! Purchase it at once, or lose those privileges!"
See? We'd listen to that...
So, here's some other phrases that might help improve the communication process:
NO "Have you ever been to Cancun?"
YES "We are NOT going to your mother's for Xmas!"
NO "I've had SUCH a hard day..."
YES "I want oral sex."
NO "This house is such a mess."
YES "Get your got-damn skivvies off the bathroom floor!"
NO "I fed Mr. Tiddles & Fuzziekins already."
YES "Your turn to scoop out the litterbox!"
NO "Can we cuddle?"
YES "You move over into the wet spot."
posted by El Capitan | 4:35 PM
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