Do You Have A Nose For Science?
An Inquiry Into Snot And Phlegming
OK, let's say you've got a booger on your finger.
I won't inquire how it got there, that's not important. I can say with some authority that it's very likely that 99.99% of humans that possess both noses and fingers have been in this situation at some point in their lives.
Now, you don't want to go around all day with the booger on your finger. I mean, you can, but what an awful surprise for the next person you shake hands with!
No, you want to get rid of the booger. If you're of the prissy hygienic sort, you've probably had all your boogers surgically removed, but in an emergency, you'll find a tissue and dispose of said booger into the trash bin followed by a session of Purell hand sanitizing.
If you're a couch potato, odds are the booger will join its hundreds of nose-mates on the backside of the couch, barring the few that are wedged into the TV remote button pad.
If you're outside the house, or possess pets or small children suitable as moving targets, then the Booger-Flick is the preferred means of disposal. There's a problem with this method, which leads me to the main subject of this essay... How to get the got-damned booger off your finger!
See, on initial extraction, the booger is an amorphous mass that clings to as much finger real estate as possible. It's almost pointless to try and flick it off in this form.
What you need to do is reduce the surface area, the "booger footprint" as it were. Oftimes a transfer to another finger might be in order, if you're the type that pinky-picks your nostrils. Try as hard as you may, it's tough to get a good flick off the pinky.
Experienced Booger-Flickers know it's all about the Roll. You've got to get some circular action going between the thumb and the finger of choice, and reduce the surface area of the booger, and let it assume a spherical shape. That way, it minimizes the "booger footprint", and allows a rapid departure of the booger upon the Finger Flick.
This method is not foolproof. See, there's something that's been puzzling me about certain boogers. They just don't seem to want to let go. They cling to your epidermis like a Democrat clings to outdated social programs. You flick and flick and flick, and the booger just stubbornly refuses to launch itself towards the cat.
So, knowing that these tenacious boogers exist, and knowing how mystifying it is that a booger can be touching your finger by no more that a pinpoint, and still resist multiple flicks until you give up and wipe it on the curtains, my question for you is this...
Has any one mentioned this to 3M or the Elmer's Glue people? Where's our booger-based adhesive technology? I think we might have the next Superglue tucked up in our sinuses!
Your thoughts are welcome, especially concerning whether this is a solution that would require reagents and catalysts, or distillation, or some other refining means. Tapping into the toddler/preschool market would pretty much guarantee an unlimited supply of raw material...
OK, let's say you've got a booger on your finger.
I won't inquire how it got there, that's not important. I can say with some authority that it's very likely that 99.99% of humans that possess both noses and fingers have been in this situation at some point in their lives.
Now, you don't want to go around all day with the booger on your finger. I mean, you can, but what an awful surprise for the next person you shake hands with!
No, you want to get rid of the booger. If you're of the prissy hygienic sort, you've probably had all your boogers surgically removed, but in an emergency, you'll find a tissue and dispose of said booger into the trash bin followed by a session of Purell hand sanitizing.
If you're a couch potato, odds are the booger will join its hundreds of nose-mates on the backside of the couch, barring the few that are wedged into the TV remote button pad.
If you're outside the house, or possess pets or small children suitable as moving targets, then the Booger-Flick is the preferred means of disposal. There's a problem with this method, which leads me to the main subject of this essay... How to get the got-damned booger off your finger!
See, on initial extraction, the booger is an amorphous mass that clings to as much finger real estate as possible. It's almost pointless to try and flick it off in this form.
What you need to do is reduce the surface area, the "booger footprint" as it were. Oftimes a transfer to another finger might be in order, if you're the type that pinky-picks your nostrils. Try as hard as you may, it's tough to get a good flick off the pinky.
Experienced Booger-Flickers know it's all about the Roll. You've got to get some circular action going between the thumb and the finger of choice, and reduce the surface area of the booger, and let it assume a spherical shape. That way, it minimizes the "booger footprint", and allows a rapid departure of the booger upon the Finger Flick.
This method is not foolproof. See, there's something that's been puzzling me about certain boogers. They just don't seem to want to let go. They cling to your epidermis like a Democrat clings to outdated social programs. You flick and flick and flick, and the booger just stubbornly refuses to launch itself towards the cat.
So, knowing that these tenacious boogers exist, and knowing how mystifying it is that a booger can be touching your finger by no more that a pinpoint, and still resist multiple flicks until you give up and wipe it on the curtains, my question for you is this...
Has any one mentioned this to 3M or the Elmer's Glue people? Where's our booger-based adhesive technology? I think we might have the next Superglue tucked up in our sinuses!
Your thoughts are welcome, especially concerning whether this is a solution that would require reagents and catalysts, or distillation, or some other refining means. Tapping into the toddler/preschool market would pretty much guarantee an unlimited supply of raw material...
posted by El Capitan | 10:22 AM
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