Chocolate Coated Something

Is My Trust In Walgreens Misplaced?

I had to stop in at the pharmacy this morning for some industrial-strength taint cleanser and a new douchebag for my "little problem". OK, not really. All I needed were some AA batteries and disposable razors, but it's so much fun to make Army of Mom squirm!

As I get to the register, I'm assaulted by the "impulse buy" display next to the register. It's full of all kinds of crap I really don't need, but it's right there, and on sale, too!

I succumb to temptation, and buy a 99 cent bag of something called "Bridge Mix". It appears to contain various edibles swathed in dark & milk chocolate, perfect for nibbling on a day devoted to end-of-month report drudgery.

Upon opening the bag this afternoon, I've discovered that "Bridge Mix" is confectioner's shorthand for "Dump whatever leftovers we have in the chocolate bath, and toss it in a bag."

There's some nasty stuff in here. The chocolate covered peanuts and almonds are OK, as are the chunks of brazil nut and some sort of choco-mint fondue. Alas, there are no Crunchy Frogs, Ram's Bladder Cup, or Anthrax Ripple.

The really nasty ones are the fruit fondue flavors. There's just no good way to mix artificial raspberry, lime & orange cremes with dark chocolate. Ick Ick Ick. After a while, everything with a round or gumdrop shape gets the Squeeze Test. If it collapses, it's a fondue. Into the trash can with ye! Non-squeezable chockies have nuts inside, and are therefore edible.

Then, there's the chocolate covered raisins. I've never been a raisin fan. I'm of the opinion that the quickest way to fuck up an oatmeal cookie is to put raisins in the mix, and raisins in a tollhouse cookie merits the death penalty for the offending cook.

I've always wondered what will happen if there's ever a major raisin shortage. Perhaps the Phylloxera bug gets loose again and devastates vineyards. Maybe wine becomes more popular than beer, and there's no grapes left for drying into raisins.

At that point, what depraved depths will the candymakers sink to? I put forward this question... If they were to substitute sweetened bits of beetle larvae or saccharine-soaked caterpillars or honey-dipped grubs for the raisins in chocolate covered raisins, would you be able to tell the difference in a dark movie theater?

I think not!! I've SEEN what comes out of a can of chocolate-covered ants. They look JUST LIKE chocolate covered raisins!

Think about that with your next box of Raisinets!