O Come, All Ye Plagueful!

A Holiday Journey Through Emergency Rooms...

There's just something about me & vacations...

When the time comes to have a little break from work and relax with friends & family, I'm either deathly ill, get blindsided by financial woes, am besieged by inclement weather, have a car explode under me, or (usually) a combination of all of the above.

I'm not griping. Hell, I'm long past griping about it. Now I'm just trying to come to terms with it. Y'know, embrace your misfortune and make it your own, that sort of thing. Schedule vacations to leper colonies, maybe. Relax by driving in a Destruction Derby. Hang out by the highway onramp for a week with a sign saying "Will Blog for spare change".

This week off at Xmastime was interrupted by the sudden and freakish swelling of my neck & jawline. I'd already been fighting my way through a sinus & chest infection, and a battalion of the Evil Ooze germs took a shortcut via my lymph nodes or salivary glands, and set up shop inside my jawline glands.

At first it was barely noticeable, just a little tenderness, but in spite of my ingestion twice a day of antibiotic pills the size of a lady's Timex, the Ooze grewz.

Suddenly, I was wearing some big puffy cheeks, and looking a lot like Don Vito Corleone. This was amusing in its own way. I spent half a day making the cats offers they couldn't refuse, and cursing the Evil Don Emilio Bacteria.

Trouble was, the fever was growing along with my jawline. I kept dosing myself with alternate doses of Aleve & Motrin, and it leveled off at 102 degrees. The cheeks even deflated a little. I'd had swollen lymph nodes in the past, though never this severe. Usually, they just need time to clean themselves out.

Then something under my jaw REALLY went south. Imagine cutting a piece of kielbasa, heating it to 102F, then jamming an 8 inch length of it under the skin of your neck right beneath your jaw. That's what this thing feels like.

Mom suggested it might be mumps, which was worrisome. That's one of those maladies grown men don't need to get, lest it migrate to your 'nads and turn them into functionless crotch ornaments.

So, off to the Doc in the Box aka the Urgent Care Center. Nearest one on my health plan was 15 miles off in Katy, TX. Off I went.

BIG waste of time & money. After a $50 copay and 4 hours of wait time, their response was "Um, it's either inflamed salivary glands, lymph nodes, or mumps. We dunno. Go to the ER."

Gee, thanks... I knew that much coming in here...

Off to the ER. The Urgent Care squad wanted me to stay out in a Katy ER, so much so they implied they wouldn't give me a referral to my local hospital. "We're concerned about you driving back into the city!" I made it here, didn't I? Gimme the referral, Ace.

I was into a room at my local ER within 5 minutes of arriving. At three times the co-pay, I guess that's only fair.

More long hours in the ER spent poking, prodding, Xraying, testing, etc., and at the end they're not quite sure what it is, but I've got no fever & a strong white blood cell count, so they juice me up with giant syringe-loads of anti-bug juice and send me home for Xmas. I thought that was right neighborly of them!

And here I sit, at least until Friday, drinking lots of fluids and avoiding others lest I carry a travelling neck-swell-up-ing bug.

So, Merry Christmas to all of you from me and my huge swollen neck!