Surrounded By Gibbons

Monkey Business From Long Ago

There was a discussion around the lunch table a couple of days ago about taking little kids to the zoo, and how much fun it was watching the kids watch the animals.

My niece & nephew are still a bit young to take to the zoo, but I'd still bet they're easier to handle than a pack of 19 & 20 year olds stoned out of their gourds...

Let's take a trip back in time... (Wave hands in front of your face, make "DEEDLEDOO DEEDLEDOO DEEDLEDOO" noises...)

The year... 198...7? 88? Can't really remember. Not that important.

The participants... Can't really remember that 100%, either. Remember that "stoned out of their gourds" qualifier? Welcome to my post-teenage years.

I was there, Dan the Macrobiotic Man was there, The Cisco Kid was there, and I'm almost certain Zibig was there as well. Three out of four of us were completely blotto on several dozen lungfuls of the burning effluence of the marijohoonie, and I'm pretty sure Vitamin A might have played a significant role in the afternoon's proceedings as well.

How do these little adventures get started? Hard to say, really, but I have a distinct memory of the Cisco Kid saying "Hey, if y'all are gonna get loaded, why don't I drive you to the zoo?"

It's nice having a designated driver for your weed-fueled expeditions. Even more so when the driver is there to help make the trip a pleasant one.

Back in those days, the Houston Zoo was free of charge. You could just walk right in, and commence to staring at the animals. Usually, the animals would ignore you.

Then, one day you walk in with your brain pegged at 6000 RPM, and suddenly it seems when you stare at them, they're all staring back!

And plotting against you, as well...

First stop, the sea lions. What's not to like? Bark like a dog, swim like a fish. Oh, smell like a garbage scow. Ewwww...

We wandered among the exhibits, grooving on all the animals. Somewhere deep inside the zoo, we spotted a domestic cat wandering about, and for some reason, this intrigued us to no end. The sight of a housecat among all the exotic animals just overloaded our much-baked brains. Eventually Dan the Macrobiotic Man dubbed it the Patagonian Pygmy Panther, and we were finally cool with it being there.

Eventually, we reached the Monkey House, and paused by the gibbon exhibit. I can remember being entranced by the swinging apes. The conversation might have gone something like this...

Zibig - "Dude... that one's licking his balls..."

Dan - "Yeah, that's because he can. Wish I could do that..."

Me - "That monkey will bite you if you do. Check out that little one!"

Cisco Kid - (Has disappeared somewhere)

Zibig - "Check out the one swinging from the roof..."

Dan - "Where's Cisco?"

Me - "Wow. Gettin' some tasty tracers offa that ape every time he swings past..."

Zibig - "Fucking cheap-ass POS white blotter... I got nothing..."

Me - "Dude, relax. Let it happen... Go spark a bowl over behind the snack bar..."

Then, without warning, the gibbons attacked...

I don't know how it got started, but suddenly all the gibbons began this horrible hooting, loud enough to split your eardrums.

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Dan - "Oh, man... Bummer..."

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Me - "Who pissed in their Wheaties?"

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Zibig - "Fuck this noise... Let's go see the lions..."

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

So, we left the Monkey House. The Cisco Kid had reappeared, and off we went to the see the lions.

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Dan - "Goddammit, I still hear the gibbons!"

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Me - "Well, the lions are asleep. Let's go over to the bears."

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Zibig - "We must be 200 yards away. Loud-ass apes..."

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Cisco Kid - "(barely audible snerk)"

All through that damned zoo, we kept hearing those gibbons hooting. It was harshing the mellow something fierce...

We finally sought refuge inside the cool darkness of the Reptile House. Finally, the apes went silent, and we could grok with the iguanas and the Gila monsters.

Dan - "Dude, check out this snake!"

Cisco Kid - "Y'know, those come up through the sewers all the time."

Zibig - "Oh, fuck!" (Grabs his balls)

Dan - "Not here, dude! Over in Asia where they got no flush toilets!"

Me - "I wonder if we could grill that chameleon, I've got the serious munchies..."

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Dan - "Motherfu-... How can we still be hearing those ape bastards??"

Cisco Kid - "(slightly more audible snerk)"

Eventually, it was time to go. We'd peaked hours past, and wanted to be home before we came down completely.

All the way back to the car, we chatted idly about what all we'd seen, and the amazing vocal power of the gibbons.

We were somewhere between Rice Village and downtown when the unexpected happened...

Me - "Zibig, we going to your place?"

Cisco Kid - "Yeah, a dip in the pool would be nice"

Zibig - "OK, but if my folks are there, we gotta be cool"

Dan - "Anybody got a cigarette?"

Me - "Shit, I think I'm out..."

Gibbons - "OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!! OOOOOO!!"

Dan, Me, Zibig - "AAAAHHHHH!! BAD TRIP! BAD TRIP!!"

Cisco Kid - "(Explodes into laughter)"

Out of his shirt pocket, the Cisco Kid pulls out a tiny tape recorder cranked to max volume emitting those horrible gibbon sounds! He'd taped 20 or 30 seconds of the gibbon's chorus at the Monkey House!

All through the damned zoo he'd been surreptitiously pulling it out and dosing us with gibbonsong, and we were just too wrecked to figure it out!

So, the morals of the story...

1) Gibbons are LOUD!

2) Designated Drivers are devious...

3) Charging admission for zoos keeps wandering stoners out.