Where The Wild Things Are, Houston Edition

It's Either This, Or TPS Reports. You Choose...

It's long been a dream of mine to arrive at work in a gorilla suit.

(For maximum amusement, ya gotta pronounce it Go-rilla, like Ellie Mae Clampitt!)

I don't doubt I could get as much notoriety via a chicken suit, or even a Landshark outfit, but something about a full-body gorilla suit, complete with rubber go-rilla hands and big flappy go-rilla feet just tickles my funnybone.

I'd even wear a tie, and hang my ID lanyard around the neck. I'd probably have to pull off the head to get through security, but that'd be OK. I'm sure I'll be in the minority that finds the whole affair amusing, but even the sourpusses that inhabit these offices would have to admit there's nothing in the dress code that addresses the wearing of gorilla suits!

I would have an absolute ball doing my usual office routine, answering emails, taking phone calls, and having people do the world's biggest double-take as they walked by my office door. Going to lunch down in the tunnels would be a hoot as well.

Alas, quality gorilla suits run upwards of $400, so it's a dream I'll have to postpone for a while.

Here's how a day at the office in a gorilla suit might play out, using Maurice Sendak's 'Where The Wild Things Are' as inspiration...

The day El Capitan wore his gorilla suit and made mischief of one kind


and another


his boss called him "DUMBASS!"
and El Capitan said "LICK MY BANANA!"
so he was sent to his office without any lunch.


That very afternoon in El Capitan's office a stack of paperwork grew


and grew--


and grew until his file cabinets bulged and exploded
and the floors became a sea of photocopies and printed emails.


and The Man's flunky ambled by with a class facilitation request for El Cap.
So El Cap drove off through Houston's grimiest ghettoes.


and in and out of crappy neighborhoods
and almost out to Lake Houston
to where the wild things are.


And when he came to the godforsaken facility where the wild things are they roared their terrible roars and gnashed their meth-rotted teeth and squinted their yellow bloodshot eyes and whiffed their terrible smells and asked for tree fiddy.

till El Capitan said "CHILL!"
and tamed them with a magic trick
of staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once
whilst pulling out his magical switchblade
and they were frightened and called him the most wild thing of all.


and made him king of all wild things.
"And now," cried El Capitan, "get that filthy squeegee off my windshield!"


"Now go!" El Capitan said and sent the wild things off to Popeye's Chicken for a two piece & a biscuit.
and El Capitan the king of all wild things was lonely
and wanted to back amongst the educated and recently bathed.
Then even from far away from downtown's lofty towers
he could smell prosperity and hygiene
so he gladly got the hell out of where the wild things are.


But the wild things cried, "Oh please don't go--
we'll fix you up with an eightball and get you a clean 'ho!"
And El Capitan said, "No!"


The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their meth-rotted teeth and squinted their yellow bloodshot eyes and whiffed their terrible smells and again asked for tree fiddy. but El Capitan stepped into his pickup truck and gave them the finger.


and drove back over miles of bad road
and in and out of slums and squalor
and through an afternoon


and into the evening he arrived back at his very own office
where he found his lunch waiting for him


and it was still hot.