Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

And The Appeal Is What, Exactly??

Mysteries Of The Modern Age

Can someone please explain why the following items seem to be so popular these days?

1) Cupcakes - I didn't much care for these even as a kid. They were like a consolation prize compared to a slice of real cake. You always got crumbs everywhere when you peeled off the paper cup, and then what are you supposed to do with the paper afterwards? We've currently got three mobile cupcake vans in town, and God knows how many boutique cupcakeries. The fact that I'm not currently eating cake or cakelike products has no bearing on this, I just fail to see the appeal.

2) Jon & Kate Gosselin - I'd hate to see 8 kids orphaned, but I can't help thinking they might be better off if that nasty harridan and the gotch-gutted hipster were eaten by rabid hyenas.

3) Keith Olbermann - This guy could walk into an arena full of douchebags having an annual douchebag convention, and they'd throw him out for being too much of a douchebag.

4) Reality Shows - The formula is simple. Step one: Put X number of people in a house. Step Two: Turn on the cameras. Step 3: PROFIT! It's a sad commentary on our modern life that instead of interacting with friends and neighbors and living our own little dramas, instead we cocoon ourselves in front of wide-screen TVs and watch booger-eatin' morons annoy each other. Jesus Christ, people. Read a book or something...

5) Premium Vodka - If you're paying $50 for a bottle of Grey Goose or Belvedere or Ketel One, you're an idiot. Tell you what, ship me your empty bottles and $40 cash, and I'll refill them with $15 Monopolowa and you'll NEVER know the difference. Look, vodka is just ethyl alcohol and water. That's all. In fact, the government insists on it. Take a look at the BATF definition.
The standard of identity for vodka was promulgated in 1949, in T.D. 5707, 1949-2 C.B. 252. The standard for vodka provided that it was neutral spirits distilled from any material at or above 190 proof, reduced to not more than 110 proof and not less than 80 proof and, after such reduction in proof, so treated as to be without distinctive character, aroma, or taste. Although no explicit definition of the term "distinctive" could be found in the hearing record, the testimony indicates that vodka is to be as tasteless and odorless as possible.
So, claiming one tastes better than another is pretty much the placebo effect in action!

6) Bluetooth Headsets - Do you have any clue how rude you're being when you're yammering away on your cell phone constantly? Why even bother sitting down at the table in the breakroom? It's not like we'll be able to talk to you. I really needed to ask a question on the way out of the office yesterday. Too bad I couldn't get a word in edgewise, 'cause the plight of your cousin's ex-wife's mother's dog's hernia was just so goddamned important you had to jabber about it all the way out to the parking lot. Hey, the world's full of people standing right next to you who might have something to say. Take that fucking gizmo out of your ear and pay attention!

7) Trendy Food - Look, I'm sure your grass-fed hormone-free lamb chop on a bed of sauteed baby zucchini blossoms with a truffle oil & Vintage port reduction drizzle and foamed balsamic/EVOO over heirloom grape tomato slices is delicious. It's also the size of a matchbox. When I leave here, I'm gonna have to go home and heat up a can of soup 'CAUSE I'M STILL $%*#&@* HUNGRY! Tastes Great, Less Filling. For $80, I want to know I've eaten!

8) Chicken Wings - Less meat than a drumstick, mostly skin & bones and more trouble to eat than boiled crabs, and even messier. Look, just roast a chicken, cut it up and toss it in the sauce. I'd prefer it that way.

9) Flashy Rims - Yeah, you're stylin' with the $2000 rims on your $750 '87 Buick Electra. The way that back end's gushing smoke, maybe you could have spent some of that cash on new spark plugs and an oil change...

10) .45 GAP - Dude, just go ahead and get a Glock chambered in .40 S&W. If your hands are too small for a real .45 ACP, you're too scared of recoil to go with the 10mm, and your masculinity is threatened by carrying the 9mm EuroPellet, you'll at least have a round that starts with ".4" and it's cheaper, too.