Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Be Sure Your Sin Will Find You Out!

A Blast From The Past

Amazing what a little rooting around in the Google archives will dig up. Got to poking around for my old Usenet posts in the pre-blog days. Yes, that's what some of us did for amusement way back when.

I was nowhere near as prolific a poster back then, but I still turned out the occasional trifle. This one was from either alt.slack or alt.tasteless. Coulda been crossposted, I s'pose.

I'd completely forgotten that I wrote the silly thing...

In article <3FX8XA4.3BAXx76@yXXXX.XXX>, REDACTED

>>> There is one and only one original source for "666 - The Number of the Beast," and that is the fucking bible. Whatever stupid opinion you may have about the fucking bible, the fact is that it is the only original source of "666 - The Number of the Beast." ANYBODY who talks about it is either getting it from that one source or from someone who ultimately gets it from that source, and it doesn't originate anywhere else.<<<

In article <3FX8Xx4.3BAXXX@yXXXX.XXX>, El Capitan

Well, if you were to dig a little deeper and read the ancient writings of the Roman scholar Anus Maximus Syphiliticus, you would know that the origin for 666 was actually conceived by John (soon to become St. John the Divine, based on his sudden conversion to women's togas, bad makeup and ingesting dogshit) on a trip to Rome.

John and his crew were known to frequent the brothel of Nippilia Roseacea, located at DCLXVI Appian Way, Palatine Hill, Rome. John, to his great dismay, had attracted the attentions of Aemilia Posteria Baloonica, the heftiest whore Rome had seen since the days of Hannibal's ladder & elephant rental service for bachelor parties.

John would frequently get plowed on Falernian wine, and wake up pressed between the mammariae giganticii of Aemilia, whom he began referring to as "Bestia Obesia", or "Fat Beast". The Beast would mark him with her initials written in squid ink on his forehead while he slept, forcing him to have to pay for her unwanted services the following morning, hence, the "Mark of the Beast".

Soon, John's comrades began to kid him about visiting the brothel, and the Via Appia address of DCLXVI (inlaid in an understated yet unbelieveably obscene wall mural mosaic outside the brothel gates) became known as "The Number of the Beast."

Many years later, John began to experience flashbacks and hallucinations brought on by PCSD (Post-Crucifixion Stress Disorder) and conjured up visions of "Bestia Obesia", which made their way into his Revelations.

And that's the way it happened.

El Capitanus Megaschlongicus