Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sugar Rush

Beware The Beaver!

I have seen the face of the coming Apocalypse... and it has buckteeth...

My sister's family visited this weekend, and left behind a treasure trove of the multi-colored and weirdly sized foodstuffs that small children eat nowadays. All manner of squeezable yogurts, juice boxes and fruity gummy things.

And, of course, the Beaver Nuggets.

Buc-ee's is a local truckstop/watering hole/gas station/redneck resupply in these parts. You won't find them near the city, usually. You'll be out on the highway on the middle of nowhere, and start seeing these billboards with a cartoon beaver advertising beef jerky, clean restrooms and cheap gas 50 miles down the road.

Once you crest the hill and see the Beaveral City, it's quite the attraction. 24 gas pumps in front of a huge store that sells all manner of roadfood and hillbilly tchotchkies. A cold drink fountain 30 feet long. Three cows worth of beef jerky. You can buy just about anything, including BBQ smokers and 10,000 pounds of ice, if you're so inclined.

And, of course, the aforementioned Beaver Nuggets.

Do you remember the breakfast cereal called Kellogg's Sugar Corn Pops? They probably call it Super Golden Pops now, following the great Cereal Sugar Label purge of the 80's. OK, Beaver Nuggets are a lot like those Corn Pops, only sugarier. And tastier. Probably not so good in milk, though.

List of ingredients starts as follows: Sugar, Corn Meal, Corn Syrup, Canola Oil, Molasses, etc.

My sister left a bag behind. I made the mistake of tasting just one.

Now, the bag has mysteriously emptied, and I'm pretty certain that with the raw amount of sugar energizing my system, I can change TV channels without the remote, and bend spoons with my brain. I'm afraid to look outside lest I cause a passing squirrel to combust under my sugar-hyped gaze.

Damn, you beaver! Your nuggets should be regulated by the Atomic Energy Commission!

If you'll excuse me, I need to go hide in a closet and twitch randomly for a while...