Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Monday, May 23, 2005

It's All Aboot The Duct Tape!

Greetings, my little chickadees.

El Capitan has a splitting headache, and 4 hours of work left. He is not in much of a blogging mood, so while waiting for the Motrin to kick in, he's gonna post a few quotes from his favorite (and only) TV show from Northern Canuckistan. Then, he will go hide in the bathroom with the lights off for his lunch hour lest his cranium explode.

The Red Green Show is a long-running sketch comedy from our neighbors to the north. The shows are set in the Possum Lodge at Possum Lake, near the wonderful town of Port Asbestos. Try to imagine combining a fishing show, a home repair show, a splash of maple-syrup coated Oprah, and have all that wrapped up in lots and lots of duct tape.

I first ran across it on the PBS station up in Dallas, and still try to catch a few episodes here & there when I can. Naturally, I am stymied in this attempt in Houston, as our local PBS station leads the free world in Extreme Suckitude. Their idea of a comedy show is asking me to donate money every 4 months when they don't show a single BritCom. Heh. As if.

So, if you have a chance to watch Red Green, grab your roll of duct tape and give it a go. It never fails to make me laugh.

Here's some selected quotations from past shows.

Dalton Humphries: Well, your dad taught you about the birds and the bees, didn't he?

Red Green: No, he just gave me a book by Mickey Spillane called "Kiss Me Deadly" and he said this is what married people do. I thought he meant shoot each other and have car chases.
Red Green: [singing] Oh, I know a guy with a car named Sue, he was the butt of many jokes / He had named his car after his wife, 'Cause it's hard to start and it smokes.
Harold Green: Where does cheese come from, anyway?

Red Green: I'm not sure but I think butter comes from leaving milk out too long.

Harold Green: Maybe cheese is butter that has been left out too long...

Red Green: Yeah, could be... but I always thought cheese was a urine product. No, maybe that's cheez-whiz.
Red Green: Men are like gas, they take up the space available.
Reg Hunter: "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word meaning "I don't hunt so good."
Red Green: Remember, you may have to grow old, but you don't have to mature.
[the "Men Anonymous" pledge, or the Man's Prayer]
All: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.
Red Green: So I guess the moral here is "Never throw a used fuel pump from a Russian Rocket Missile into Possum Lake."
Red Green: The Red Green Show is kind of like the flu; not everybody gets it.
Red Green: If my dog had eaten as much homework as I said he did, he'd be passing firelogs!
Glen Braxton: It is physically impossible to drink a 5-gallon pail full of water, while lying down.
Earl Battersby: We now have a drive-thru window to serve all your live bait needs. But we've had to go to containers; people feel just a bit skittish about driving through a school zone with a lap full of frogs.
Red Green: [singing] Oh, they're weighin' the fish at the fish weigh-in, down at Mercury Creek / The prize is a boat and a bucket of bugs for the biggest fish of the week / I caught me a nice little sunfish, it's gonna make me a winner / Not from the size of the fish itself, but the ball bearings I fed it for dinner.
Red Green: We now come to the part of the show called "If it ain't broke, you're not trying!"
Red Green: Well, I'm not gonna be calling the U.S. Air Force, Harold. What do I say? We've got a missile? They take that as a threat, we're in real trouble.
Harold Green: Well, then, contact the Canadian Air Force.
Red Green: Harold, it's after six; he's gone home.
Red Green: Now, I know a lot of you teenagers don't like to hear advice, but communication is an important part of life. And besides, who cares what *you* think?