Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Sunday, June 05, 2005

The Great Cat Treat Challenge

The Foolish Things I Do For Amusement...

Cats are finicky, no doubt about it. Some will happily gorge themselves on cat food that other cats turn their noses up at. You never know how they'll react until the 'moment of truth', when you drop the plate in front of them.

Fortunately, my cats Betsy Cat and Pookie Cat agree on the food I give them. Since Betsy Cat is a solid furball shaped like a Maine Coon Cat, I feed her Iams Hairball Control formula, which does seem to reduce the amount of moist mouse-shaped lumps I find underfoot. Usually in bare feet, I might add.

Pookie Cat, a calico with thick fur herself, also eats it with a gusto, which greatly reduces the hassle of having to maintain two separate food bowls and feeding times.

It's in the area of cat treats, though, that their tastes diverge. Pookie Cat seems to prefer the crunchy kind, whereas Betsy Cat usually likes the moist kind. I can't seem to find one that will be eaten by both of them. Usually, I keep a spare package of each type in reserve, but every so often I'll run out of one, and then I've got a pissed off kittycat in the house 'cause I'm feeding the other one treats, but not to her. This seems to always lead to the aggrieved party crapping over the back edge of the litter pan instead of inside it, or overturning a flower pot. Vindictive little minxes!

So, in an effort to find a common cat treat solution, I went to PetSmart and got 8 different types. We're gonna have us a little Cat Treat Taste-Off to see which one they'll both eat, and you're invited to watch.

To make this even more amusing (for you, not for me, I'm guessing...) I'm gonna sample the wares myself. After all, if I'm gonna feed it to my cats, I oughta be able to eat it myself. I'm just thankful I don't feed them canned cat food. No f#$&%ng way could I stomach a spoonful of gopher lungs and trout lips.

The process is pretty simple. I'll toss down a treat of each type in front of both cats, and see if they'll eat it. Bonus points if they beg for more. I'll also record what my reaction is, and post pictures (or a reasonable facsimile) of all the participants during the process.

For the record, I will be using ice water to cleanse the palate between treats, backed up by some dark rum if I need to rapidly disinfect and deaden the palate.

Here are the participants: Betsy Cat, Pookie Cat, myself.

Here's the lineup:

OK, Off we go!

Purina Moist AquariYums:

Betsy Cat: Two Paws Up!!
Pookie Cat: Wouldn't touch it.
El Capitan: Smells like old sneakers. Oh, god.. this is awful. It tastes like you'd expect a spoonful of maggots to taste after you scraped 'em off a dead carp. Suddenly this idea got a lot less funny. I don't know if I can do 7 more. Rum was needed here.

Purina Crunchy AquariYums:

Betsy Cat: Ate 'em like she was starving, which I know NOT to be the case...
Pookie Cat: Ate 'em up. Asked for more. I'll be damned...
El Capitan: Ehh, pretty bad, but not gag-inducing. Tastes like a 10 year old Triscuit. With 10 year old cheese spread on top.

Purina Shrimp & Tuna Whisker Lickin's:

These are Pookie's regular treat. Betsy will eat them if she's in the mood.
Betsy Cat: Two Paws Up!
Pookie Cat: Two Paws Up!
El Capitan: No fish taste to speak of. Not half bad. I mean, they won't replace Cheetos or anything, but I'd eat these before resorting to cannibalism.

Pounce Moist Chicken Flavored Treats:

These are Betsy's regular treat. Pookie hates 'em.
Betsy Cat: Two Paws Up! Besty loves these things.
Pookie Cat: Won't even sniff at it. This bodes ill for my tasting...
El Capitan: Gahhhh! Chicken soaked in lye! Where's that bitter aftertaste coming from? This one's about 12 kinds of nasty.

Purina Roasted Chicken Purr-fections:

I'm so scared of this one... "tasty crunchy outside... rich creamy inside". I can see my innards being yakked up on this one.
Betsy Cat: Nosed at them a while, then got down to business. Ate 4 of them.
Pookie Cat: Turned up her dainty little nose and gave me the evil eye for having the nerve to offer 'em.
El Capitan: Kinda grainy-corny tasting. No noticeable chicken taste. Hell, a little cream of chicken soup and 30 min in the oven and these would make a decent casserole. If you're a dog, maybe.

Pounce Crunchy Ocean Whitefish & Crab:

"Now with MORE CRAB!" Gee, I can't wait. An extra bushel basket of ground-up carapaces & bellyplates makes all the difference in the world!
Betsy Cat: Ate every one I gave her. Still wants more. What a pig.
Pookie Cat: No dice. She'd rather gnaw a plastic bag.
El Capitan: Hmmm... which one is the crab, the red ones or the white ones? Oh, Christ, I think I'm gonna hurl... Whose crazy idea was this??? They must have used crab lips and assholes on this one, and forgot to boil them first. I think I'm dying here.

Whiskas Temptations Stix:

They're a treat! They're a cat toy! It's two kinds of fun in one! Actually, they look like mini Slim Jims. Guess they're for redneck cats. (note: After reading the package, I learned I was supposed to break these up before feeding them to the cats. Betsy managed to swallow one whole, gagging it down. She came back for more, though.)
Betsy Cat: She's hooked for life. I just gotta remember to chop these up.
Pookie Cat: She's mortally afraid of these. She tries to suffocate herself in a plastic bag to escape the stench.
El Capitan: These do NOT taste like a Slim Jim. They taste more like Fat Jim's unwashed asscrack. I had to spit this one out double-quick to prevent a dry-heave. I think I'm scarred for life. Rum is not helping.

Whiskas Tasty Chicken Temptations:

Betsy Cat: Two Paws Up! This damn cat eats EVERYTHING!
Pookie Cat: Won't even go near them when I toss 'em near her.
El Capitan: Another 'soft center, crunchy outside' type. Sigh... at least it's tiny. About the size of half a Chiclet. Tastes like a crouton made out of dark rye bread. Yeah, you could live on 'em, if you had to.

So, what have we learned?

First, I've got too much time on my hands.
Second, these cats eat some *nasty* stuff!
Third, I now have this uncontrollable urge to go crap in the neighbor kid's sandbox and go lay on top of his mom's car after whizzing on the hubcaps.