Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, August 19, 2005

I've Found Religion!

I Never Really Lost It, Now That I Think About It...

After dabbling in the Church Of Internal Combustion, where I've muttered thousands of prayers to Our Lady Of Blessed Acceleration, I slowly migrated towards a more peaceful (well, quieter, anyway) belief structure once I quit driving 70's muscle cars.

Next up was a stint of Frisbeetarianism, where the only real belief was that when you die, your soul gets tossed up on the garage roof and stays there forever. It was comforting, but lacked that sense of the miraculous. I needed something more.

I debated trying out Mithraism ("Gimmee that ol' time religion!"), but couldn't swing the tariff for the obligatory sacrifice of the Sacred Bull every full moon, and the neighbors would really freak out if I started leaving the hide & horns out by the curb for heavy trash pickup day.

Asatru had potential. After all, a religion that mostly features swilling alcoholic beverages while boasting of your achievements sounded pretty cool. There were too damned many Neo-Nazis hanging around, though. Nazis really piss me off. Especially Illinois Nazis.

I thought about converting to Judaism. I figured since I was already equipped with a turtleneck instead of an anteater, I was already halfway there. I'm sure I'd feel obligated to visit Israel if I did convert, though, and that whole workin' on a kibbutz thing is *so* not me. Shooting PLO terrorists? No prob! Can't swing a hoe worth a damn, though.

This week, I may have finally found the religion that's been eluding me.

Conceived as an adjunct to Intelligent Design (the hot new fad for the folks who are mortally offended by the thought of possibly evolving from hairy ape-like hominids), this new religion is known as.... Pastafarianism!

Pastafarianism, also known as Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, emerged from a letter sent to the Kansas School Board in response to their decision to allow Intelligent Design to be presented as an equally valid theory alongside evolution in science classes.

Pastafarianism is not a refutation of Intelligent Design, but instead a competing theory. Instead of believing in an Invisible Man In The Sky as the Creator, Pastafarians believe that the universe was really created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Here's a recent illustration of the Flying Spaghetti Monster:

As an added bonus, the official uniform of Pastafarianism is pirate regalia, which is a huge plus for me, being a Baboon Pirate and all.

See, Pastafarianism contends that the rise of global temperatures is in direct correlation to the shrinking numbers of pirates worldwide, shown in this graph:

Obviously, we need more pirates running around, and if we all have to be Touched By His Noodly Appendage to accomplish that, so be it!

Here's more tenets of Pastafarianism:

The Universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster.
All evidence pointing towards evolution was put in place by His Noodly Appendage.
Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct consequence of the decline in numbers of pirates since the 1800s.

Codes of conduct:
Prayers are ended with the word RAmen rather than Amen.
Followers are expected to dress in full pirate regalia.

Benefits of conversion:
Like the great noodles they worship, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists have flimsy moral standards.
Promise of a stripper factory and a beer volcano in Heaven.
Religious holiday every Friday.
Many convenient houses of worship offer a delectible smorgasboard of antipasti, pizza, and several pasta entrees.

The Prayer:
(or "How great Thou art... with parsley")
Our FSM, who art on a gianormic, invisible plate in the sky,
"well drained" be Thy mane.
Thy colander come, Thy will be dry, yet stick to the fridge door,
or on the floor, as it comes fresh from the pot.
Don't hold it against us when we dare to eat breadsticks,
but forgive us our leftovers for food-fighting,
as we give 'er to those who food-fight against us.
And lead us not to over-do it,
but, if so, deliver us from Domino's.
For thine is but boiling, at par-boil, to al-dente,
for less than ten minutes.
Let's eat!

So, there it is. My new religion. I'll let y'all know how it works out. Right now, I'm needing to run to the store to get a pound of so of the Eucharist, preferably the angel-hair style, and a quart of Holy Ragu. I'll slowly stir the Deity, while chanting "Two, Four, Six, Eight! Time To Transubstantiate!!!"