Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

My Photo
Location: Texas, United States

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Oh, One More Thing...

The Black Hole Of Ultimate Suckularity

I saw the trailer for Doom: The Movie. It's hard to imagine a film that is such a reeking pile of turdage that it threatens to dethrone Battlefield Earth as the reigning champeen of all things that are foul and reprehensible about the Hollywood system.

I'd hoped that roomfuls of screenwriters high on coke were a thing of the past, and we would no longer be plagued by crap like this. Who else but people whacked out on Peruvian Marching Powder would imagine that moviegoers would be interested in watching a movie that spends a good deal of time in the First Person Shooter mode, where the camera shows the POV of the "gameplayer", even down to watching the reloads and using the chainsaw, fer crap's sake.

Second, Doom: The Game is how old? 12 years? 14? I can't even remember the last computer I used to play Doom, much less when I played the game itself. I seem to recall playing it over a modem connection with my friend Kyle when he lived across the street, and that has to be a solid decade in the past. Who the heck even cares about Doom anymore? Make no mistake, this craptacular flick is NOT based on last year's Doom 3 release.

What, they couldn't get the rights for Quake? Medal of Honor? Ghost Recon? Did they even try to find a game-based script that's just a little more relevant? Probably not. This has all the earmarks of something that's been bouncing from studio to studio for 10 years, enduring numerous rewrites and committee treatments until some schmuck finally agreed to greenlight the project.

For the love of all that's holy, avoid this nasty abomination like the bubonic plague. Let's aim for a national gross revenue of less than $20,000 ('cause there's always the 13 year old boy audience that'll watch anything) and with any luck, the producers of Doom: The Movie will be crucified next to the Hollywood sign as a warning to others.