Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Monday, August 21, 2006

At Baboon Pirates, Quality Is Job #1!!

Seeking High Quality Women and Low Quality Skanks. I Ain't Picky.

By now most of you have probably seen the latest internet celebrity. Her name's "Jacqueline Rampant Ego Mackie Arrogant Bitch Paisley Ball-Stomping Harpy Passey", or something close to that.

Her site appears to me to be a colossal case of bait & switch. Her advertised picture looks good, but digging deeper in her site reveals the truth... as Ace said, she's really Rudy Giuliani in drag. Actually, she looks kinda like my friend Cris from high school band, only less pleasant, and a smaller rack...

Many bloggers and humor sites have already taken her to task for her overweening ego, so I'll not repeat what's been said before.

I will, however, use her incredibly useful method for attracting a mate, in hopes of finally getting the woman of quality I know I so rightly deserve.

So, without further ado, here goes:

I am a very high-quality man. I know that sounds arrogant, but let’s consider the facts:

1. I’m not slim. (whereas 43% of American men age 20 to 74 are slim and well built, they're largely assholes who'll pork anything that's breathing. I, OTOH, will probably not budge off the couch more than once or twice a month in search of sex, so you've got that to look forward to. Also, if I try to run out on you, I'm pretty easy to catch.)

2. I’m reasonably attractive (More than 86% of the women who meet me for the first time do not projectile-vomit at the sight of me, and since I started trimming my beard, children rarely run screaming anymore.)

3. I’m relatively young (when compared to petroleum reserve leases, vintage bottles of Chateau Latour, and continental drift rates.)

4. I’m intelligent (I've yet to be caught cheating on my taxes, and I can regularly outwit most 4 legged animals. Except for wombats and hedgehogs, the clever bastards...)

5. I’m educated (Whereas lots of people have one bachelor’s degree, I have TWO, and I use NEITHER ONE in my chosen career. Mostly, 'cause if I did use 'em, I'd be wearing a paper hat and asking if you wanted fries with that burger.)

6. I have my financial shit together (I've got 8 boxes of comics as a retirement fund, and I only buy Lotto tickets when it's over 40 million dollars! No use wasting time on the small change jackpots!!)

7. I have a strong libido and love having sex (Assuming you look like Monica Bellucci. Otherwise, I'll go with what I said in Item #1.)

So, there you have it, ladies! I've just got QUALITY stamped all over me! The line forms on the left! No pushing!!